According to the title of this story, the approval ratings for President Bush and Congress have hit the bottom. How can they possibly know this?
They’ve got ten more months together! If Congress pushes through a bill that gives every taxpayer a gold-plated toilet, then Bush vetoes it because it doesn’t have the $600 billion child-lunch-voucher program he wanted, I’m guessing that approval ratings would go down again.
The AP has no faith in the ability of these two to dig through solid rock in an effort to find zero.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Dissatisfied Customer Returns Book
An unnamed customer today returned the only copy of Douglas Schoen’s book Declaring Independence that has not been sold to Michael Bloomberg or one of his cronies, marking a desperate turning point for what had been billed as “a groundbreaking work preparing the route to the presidency for America’s most self-delusional billionaire.”
The book has sold well to Bloomberg and his hangers-on, whose efforts have rocketed it up to almost 12,500th on the best-sellers list. Rumors that Bloomberg purchased several thousand copies to hand out to people on streetcorners have not been confirmed.
The customer said that he thought the book was about the Declaration of Independence, and in his return mentioned that “if I wanted to wear a bib and be spoon-fed pabulum, I’d join one of those creepy men-in-diapers clubs.”
Schoen was not available for comment because he was polishing his cult statue of Bloomberg, who has been called “the greatest nanny since Mary Poppins.”
The book has sold well to Bloomberg and his hangers-on, whose efforts have rocketed it up to almost 12,500th on the best-sellers list. Rumors that Bloomberg purchased several thousand copies to hand out to people on streetcorners have not been confirmed.
The customer said that he thought the book was about the Declaration of Independence, and in his return mentioned that “if I wanted to wear a bib and be spoon-fed pabulum, I’d join one of those creepy men-in-diapers clubs.”
Schoen was not available for comment because he was polishing his cult statue of Bloomberg, who has been called “the greatest nanny since Mary Poppins.”
Thursday, February 7, 2008
McCain’s VP Candidate
While others are walking the well-trod paths to determine who eventual GOP nominee and presidential election runner-up John McCain will choose as his VP nominee, I remind you that this man is unconventional. Unpredictable. A maverick, as Ace of Spades might say.
So we need to look further afield for his VP candidate:
Romnar the Romulan
Pros: To casual observers Romulans look just like Vulcans, who are widely accepted in the Federation as being members in good standing. Good grasp of galactic economics, one of McCain’s weak points. Can resonate well with the parts of the electorate that McCain feels are alien.
Cons: Everybody knows they’re weird and part of some mysterious cabal.
Odds: 3 to 1
Huckleberry Hound
Pros: Polls well in the south, loved by anime-hating conservatives, has endorsement of noted action movie and TV star Hong Kong Phooey.
Cons: Is a dipshit.
Odds: 5 to 1
Hillary Clinton
Pros: McCain genuinely likes and respects her, and many conservatives consider her to be equivalent to McCain anyways.
Cons: May be the other nominee.
Odds: 10 to 1
Charles Foster Kane
Pros: Media magnate, and McCain has always gotten along well with the media.
Cons: Emotionally crippled since Frosty the Snowman stole his sleigh and used it to rob a liquor store.
Odds: 12 to 1
Mario
Pros: Knows how to handle stressful situations, from barrel-throwing monkeys to fire-breathing steel-shelled turtle kings.
Cons: NYT hates him, which might imperil McCain’s aspiration to get their endorsement for president. His position on monkey taunting may not match well with McCain’s opposition to torture.
Odds: 15 to 1
Snowguera
Pros: Supports John McCain’s position on anthropomorphic global warming.
Cons: Plotting to destroy civilization via glacial doom.
Odds: 16 to 1
Scarlett Johansson
Pros: Will bring some much-needed youth to the ticket, as well as adding some schwing! to their appearances to help offset McCain’s grim visage. Not shy about showing her assets.
Cons: Late-night strategy sessions are sure to cause trouble at home.
Odds: 18 to 1
Fred Thompson
Pros: Will bring conservatives back into the fold behind his campaign, is an able debater capable of outperforming his Democratic counterpart.
Cons: Gone fishin’ for the last six months or so.
Odds: 20 to 1
Zombie Ronald Reagan
Pros: Conservatives will vote for anything that has Reagan attached to it. They voted for the first Bush, didn’t they?
Cons: Influence of voodoo hounjins on McCain/Zombie Reagan ticket may turn off some on the religious right.
Odds: 50 to 1
Lou Dobbs
Pros: Would love to use the bully pulpit to help John McCain get even with those Wall Street fat-cat bastards.
Cons: Show only reaches about 500,000 retired cranks.
Odds: 75 to 1
Mr. Popo
Pros: Will help McCain to counter what is sure to be seen by some as a disadvantage for not having a woman or minority at the top of the ticket.
Cons: Many would consider his inclusion pandering at best, racist at worst.
Odds: 100 to 1
Ron Paul
Pros: Sure to bring in 100% of the lunatic/ racist/ conspiracist vote.
Cons: McCain’s mother keeps confusing him with William McKinley because of his affection for the gold standard.
Odds: 1000 to 1
So we need to look further afield for his VP candidate:
Romnar the RomulanPros: To casual observers Romulans look just like Vulcans, who are widely accepted in the Federation as being members in good standing. Good grasp of galactic economics, one of McCain’s weak points. Can resonate well with the parts of the electorate that McCain feels are alien.
Cons: Everybody knows they’re weird and part of some mysterious cabal.
Odds: 3 to 1
Huckleberry HoundPros: Polls well in the south, loved by anime-hating conservatives, has endorsement of noted action movie and TV star Hong Kong Phooey.
Cons: Is a dipshit.
Odds: 5 to 1
Hillary ClintonPros: McCain genuinely likes and respects her, and many conservatives consider her to be equivalent to McCain anyways.
Cons: May be the other nominee.
Odds: 10 to 1
Charles Foster KanePros: Media magnate, and McCain has always gotten along well with the media.
Cons: Emotionally crippled since Frosty the Snowman stole his sleigh and used it to rob a liquor store.
Odds: 12 to 1
MarioPros: Knows how to handle stressful situations, from barrel-throwing monkeys to fire-breathing steel-shelled turtle kings.
Cons: NYT hates him, which might imperil McCain’s aspiration to get their endorsement for president. His position on monkey taunting may not match well with McCain’s opposition to torture.
Odds: 15 to 1
SnowgueraPros: Supports John McCain’s position on anthropomorphic global warming.
Cons: Plotting to destroy civilization via glacial doom.
Odds: 16 to 1
Scarlett JohanssonPros: Will bring some much-needed youth to the ticket, as well as adding some schwing! to their appearances to help offset McCain’s grim visage. Not shy about showing her assets.
Cons: Late-night strategy sessions are sure to cause trouble at home.
Odds: 18 to 1
Fred ThompsonPros: Will bring conservatives back into the fold behind his campaign, is an able debater capable of outperforming his Democratic counterpart.
Cons: Gone fishin’ for the last six months or so.
Odds: 20 to 1
Zombie Ronald ReaganPros: Conservatives will vote for anything that has Reagan attached to it. They voted for the first Bush, didn’t they?
Cons: Influence of voodoo hounjins on McCain/Zombie Reagan ticket may turn off some on the religious right.
Odds: 50 to 1
Lou DobbsPros: Would love to use the bully pulpit to help John McCain get even with those Wall Street fat-cat bastards.
Cons: Show only reaches about 500,000 retired cranks.
Odds: 75 to 1
Mr. PopoPros: Will help McCain to counter what is sure to be seen by some as a disadvantage for not having a woman or minority at the top of the ticket.
Cons: Many would consider his inclusion pandering at best, racist at worst.
Odds: 100 to 1
Ron PaulPros: Sure to bring in 100% of the lunatic/ racist/ conspiracist vote.
Cons: McCain’s mother keeps confusing him with William McKinley because of his affection for the gold standard.
Odds: 1000 to 1
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Scientists Fear Snowguera
As unusual winter weather grips much of the world, even halting Olympic preparation in China, some scientists have begun to question if this indicates a new monster will soon be appearing on the horizon to menace humanity.
Now, a researcher in Greenland has announced that a terrible threat to the world has indeed arisen, released from the ice in the Arctic by the receding glaciers. It has been dubbed Snowguera, which is Inuit for “Big Snow Monster.”
“It’s like a Yeti on steroids, only without the home run record,” said Rob Hvörkenvatterstallenheimer. “We heard about it two months ago, but just last week a local person snapped a picture of it before disappeared under the ice. At the time it was only ten feet tall, but we understand now it’s quickly grown to 30 stories tall and has a tail festooned with ice spikes from Pleistocene-era glaciers.”
Now, a researcher in Greenland has announced that a terrible threat to the world has indeed arisen, released from the ice in the Arctic by the receding glaciers. It has been dubbed Snowguera, which is Inuit for “Big Snow Monster.”
“It’s like a Yeti on steroids, only without the home run record,” said Rob Hvörkenvatterstallenheimer. “We heard about it two months ago, but just last week a local person snapped a picture of it before disappeared under the ice. At the time it was only ten feet tall, but we understand now it’s quickly grown to 30 stories tall and has a tail festooned with ice spikes from Pleistocene-era glaciers.”
Only Known picture of Snowguera, who will soon end civilizationThe monster was released by global warming caused by SUVs, and climatologists feared that it would quickly begin trying to freeze the world to simulate its preferred environment. Researchers said that the icy monster’s grip over the weather has caused bizarre wintry weather throughout the world, including snow in the Middle East.
Gigantozoologist Timothy Lapenday said “my guess is it’s trying to goad a lesser monster like Mothra or Baragon into a fight so it can eat them and absorb their power. Then it will go after the big prey, like Godzilla, and if it succeeds we’ll all be popsicle appetizers for the offspring of this menace.”
Former vice president John K. Mondale told reporters in Hawaii from the latest GMA conference that he blamed President Bush for the problem. “If he’d ratified the Kong Pact, then we’d have hundreds of giant monkeys paddling around in the Arctic sea right now searching for Snowguera. But it’s all alone up there feasting on dead polar bears and drowned baby seals, getting bigger and bigger every day. When will humanity learn to trust large governmental bureaucracies to protect them from this kind of menace?”
Other scientists suggested that the photo was a fake, but Hvörkenvatterstallenheimer scoffed at the suggestion. “I’m a scientist. I can tell the difference between faddish nonsense and real data.”
Candidates Spend for Economy’s Sake
Putative Republican nominee John McCain might not know much about the economy, but the other presidential campaigns this week have shown that they have not only the knowledge but the experience to put the struggling US economy back on its feet.
Hillary Clinton, hoarsely bawling her eyes out at a campaign appearance, said that the close race was designed to “make sure we pump the millions of dollars of donations that we’ve collected into local media markets, where like seeds in the ground they will grow into massive revenue streams.”
At a separate event, Barack Obama repeated his campaign theme of hope and change. “I hope that this money can help change the hopelessness of local advertisers by giving them the ability to make changes to their equipment that will hopefully help them change the nature of the future to make it more hopeful.”
Campaign spending thus far has been over one hundred million dollars, much of it spent to employ sob-story actors, video montage preparers, and menacing-sounding voiceover specialists who otherwise struggle to earn a living between major sporting events. Much of the money has been collected from individual donors, many of whom work in totally unrelated industries, making it one of the largest charitable donations in US history.
John Edwards, until recently a Democratic candidate, said that he took credit for the focus on starving actors. “I was the one who started the drumbeat about poverty,” Edwards said. “Without me they’d be hoarding their money and spending it on giant mansions and private jets and stuff.”
A spokesman for Mike Huckabee, preening in the glow of unexpected campaign victories throughout the South, reiterated the former governor’s commitment to stimulating the economy. “Mike Huckabee knows that only massive campaign spending will get the economy back on track, so he will continue to derail Mitt Romney’s support and force Romney to pay out his own fortune as a stimulus package instead of him hoarding it for the betterment of some sinister, Salt Lake-based religious cabal.”
Hillary Clinton, hoarsely bawling her eyes out at a campaign appearance, said that the close race was designed to “make sure we pump the millions of dollars of donations that we’ve collected into local media markets, where like seeds in the ground they will grow into massive revenue streams.”
At a separate event, Barack Obama repeated his campaign theme of hope and change. “I hope that this money can help change the hopelessness of local advertisers by giving them the ability to make changes to their equipment that will hopefully help them change the nature of the future to make it more hopeful.”
Campaign spending thus far has been over one hundred million dollars, much of it spent to employ sob-story actors, video montage preparers, and menacing-sounding voiceover specialists who otherwise struggle to earn a living between major sporting events. Much of the money has been collected from individual donors, many of whom work in totally unrelated industries, making it one of the largest charitable donations in US history.
John Edwards, until recently a Democratic candidate, said that he took credit for the focus on starving actors. “I was the one who started the drumbeat about poverty,” Edwards said. “Without me they’d be hoarding their money and spending it on giant mansions and private jets and stuff.”
A spokesman for Mike Huckabee, preening in the glow of unexpected campaign victories throughout the South, reiterated the former governor’s commitment to stimulating the economy. “Mike Huckabee knows that only massive campaign spending will get the economy back on track, so he will continue to derail Mitt Romney’s support and force Romney to pay out his own fortune as a stimulus package instead of him hoarding it for the betterment of some sinister, Salt Lake-based religious cabal.”
Mass. ACLU: Conservative = Nazi
I’m sorry, I found this too funny not to mention. In the comments of the Massachusetts ACLU’s post about Brandeis University, one of the commenters accuses the ACLU of not defending conservatives from free-speech infringements by Universities.
As a defense, a poster replies:
But the Nazis? They call themselves the National Socialists; it’s right in the link that he provides to the Wikipedia entry! They’re hardly conservatives. I think there's even a mildly successful book on this at Amazon.
If somebody says conservative and these are the examples that spring to your mind, perhaps you’re not being very open-minded.
Just a thought.
As a defense, a poster replies:
The ACLU does defend conservative speakers. Just to name a couple examples, we've defended the antigay Westboro Baptist Church, and we've even defended the free speech rights of NazisNot to draw too fine a point, but the lunatics at Westboro are hardly lockstep conservatives, since they picket not just gays but also Iraq war dead. They're universally despised by everybody, left right and center. But since religious=conservatives for most people, I could see where you could make this (specious) claim.
But the Nazis? They call themselves the National Socialists; it’s right in the link that he provides to the Wikipedia entry! They’re hardly conservatives. I think there's even a mildly successful book on this at Amazon.
If somebody says conservative and these are the examples that spring to your mind, perhaps you’re not being very open-minded.
Just a thought.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
The Canton Connection, Part 2
In New Hampshire we were witness to Diebold rigging an election to bring Hillary Clinton a much-needed victory. This perfidy was accomplished by using the NFL as a go-between for both contact and financial support.
Now, though, we have seen the depths to which the NFL is willing to stoop in order to help Hillary Clinton become president: they’ve rigged the Super Bowl! You didn’t really believe that the mighty Patriots could only score 14 points against the Giants and lose, did you?
How did they do this, you ask? It’s quite simple. Did you notice during the game that the shots of Peyton Manning in the second half looked remarkably like the ones from the first half? And that Peyton was both in the Giants locker room and inexplicably fatigued-looking after the game? This is because the Manning that threw the dramatic pass to get out of 3rd and 5 was Peyton himself! How else can you explain jittery Eli becoming cool-hand Luke in the Superbowl?
Their other action was far more diabolical. Bill Bellicheck coached the entire game inexplicably attired in a red sweatshirt, rather than his trademark raggedy gray hoodie. Is there any surprise, then, that he struggled to find his coaching mojo and was distracted enough that he went for it on 4th and 13? This is the work of evil: stealing a man’s security hoodie just to win a football game.
Should we be surprised that as a young woman Hillary interned for the father of current NFL commissioner Roger Goodell? We should not: this conspiracy has been decades in the making, and it is like an onion: the more layers you peel back, the more it stinks.
But why would the NFL rig the Superbowl to allow the underdog Giants to win? How could this profit their preferred candidate? It is because of history, and the strange power of the Superbowl to affect the presidential election.
It is a fact that when the AFC wins the Superbowl, the Presidency changes parties (with one sinister exception). It is also a fact that when the NFC wins the Superbowl, the incumbent almost always cruises to victory.
The exception is this: George Bush won in 2000 when the NFC was victorious, and he won again in 2004 when the AFC won, which is all the more reason to cast doubt upon his hanging chads and electoral shenanigans. Everyone knows that Karl Rove has no respect for real election laws; we should not expect him to respect metaphysical ones, either.
What does this mean for the 2008 election?
One must always ask: who gains? How could Hillary gain by an NFC win, instead of an AFC win, if an NFC win is good for the incumbent?
The only candidate to ever successfully change the party of the Presidency during an NFC victory is Bill Clinton. The only candidate who is running that has presidential experience is Hillary Clinton, through her co-candidate and sometimes spouse, Bill Clinton.
If the AFC won, then she surely would be doomed: the incumbent (her husband) would have been lost and the presidential party either change (to Barack Obama) or stay in Republican hands (via the machinations of Karl Rove). But with an NFC victory intact, the Clintons’ electoral good-luck charm is secured and the only incumbent eligible to run can breathe a little easier.
I ask again: can any of us hope to stand against this sinister confluence of political corruption, big business, and major sports?
Now, though, we have seen the depths to which the NFL is willing to stoop in order to help Hillary Clinton become president: they’ve rigged the Super Bowl! You didn’t really believe that the mighty Patriots could only score 14 points against the Giants and lose, did you?
How did they do this, you ask? It’s quite simple. Did you notice during the game that the shots of Peyton Manning in the second half looked remarkably like the ones from the first half? And that Peyton was both in the Giants locker room and inexplicably fatigued-looking after the game? This is because the Manning that threw the dramatic pass to get out of 3rd and 5 was Peyton himself! How else can you explain jittery Eli becoming cool-hand Luke in the Superbowl?
Their other action was far more diabolical. Bill Bellicheck coached the entire game inexplicably attired in a red sweatshirt, rather than his trademark raggedy gray hoodie. Is there any surprise, then, that he struggled to find his coaching mojo and was distracted enough that he went for it on 4th and 13? This is the work of evil: stealing a man’s security hoodie just to win a football game.
Should we be surprised that as a young woman Hillary interned for the father of current NFL commissioner Roger Goodell? We should not: this conspiracy has been decades in the making, and it is like an onion: the more layers you peel back, the more it stinks.
But why would the NFL rig the Superbowl to allow the underdog Giants to win? How could this profit their preferred candidate? It is because of history, and the strange power of the Superbowl to affect the presidential election.
It is a fact that when the AFC wins the Superbowl, the Presidency changes parties (with one sinister exception). It is also a fact that when the NFC wins the Superbowl, the incumbent almost always cruises to victory.
The exception is this: George Bush won in 2000 when the NFC was victorious, and he won again in 2004 when the AFC won, which is all the more reason to cast doubt upon his hanging chads and electoral shenanigans. Everyone knows that Karl Rove has no respect for real election laws; we should not expect him to respect metaphysical ones, either.
What does this mean for the 2008 election?
One must always ask: who gains? How could Hillary gain by an NFC win, instead of an AFC win, if an NFC win is good for the incumbent?
The only candidate to ever successfully change the party of the Presidency during an NFC victory is Bill Clinton. The only candidate who is running that has presidential experience is Hillary Clinton, through her co-candidate and sometimes spouse, Bill Clinton.
If the AFC won, then she surely would be doomed: the incumbent (her husband) would have been lost and the presidential party either change (to Barack Obama) or stay in Republican hands (via the machinations of Karl Rove). But with an NFC victory intact, the Clintons’ electoral good-luck charm is secured and the only incumbent eligible to run can breathe a little easier.
I ask again: can any of us hope to stand against this sinister confluence of political corruption, big business, and major sports?
Magnetic North is not Profitable
This item caught my interest:
Who’d be stupid enough to get that kind of return on an investment, other than a movie studio?
TOKYO (AFP) - The magical compass in the blockbuster fantasy film "The Golden Compass" has taken real shape, with a Japanese jeweller unveiling a 30-million-yen (281,400-dollar) version made of gold…Of course they’re not going to sell it! To remain faithful to the movie they’d have to sell it for about 40% of what it cost to make it (110,000 dollars).
The company said it had no plans to sell the compass, which was worth 30 million yen.
Who’d be stupid enough to get that kind of return on an investment, other than a movie studio?
Monday, February 4, 2008
Court Case Tests Town’s Tolerance
PULASKI, TN – A controversial court case has bitterly divided this once tight-knit community in the hills of Tennessee, which is known for the high quality of its apple pies and as the birthplace of the Ku Klux Klan.
The incident occurred six weeks ago at Mount Jezebel Women’s Prison, a minimum-security prison that recently served as the backdrop for “Caged Heat 4: Good Behavior.” Four inmates were competing to win the prison Scrabble tournament when one of them, Janet “Ice-Nipple” Foxington, accused her opponent Cathy Gasser of changing the point value of a “K” from 5 to 8 in order to capitalize on a triple word score.
Gasser, who is nine months pregnant, became incensed and rammed her scrabble tray into Foxington’s left breast. The attack ruptured Foxington’s silicon enhancement, recently inserted under the prison’s self-esteem enhancement program, spraying three other inmates and causing eye damage.
Guards were ultimately forced to turn high-pressure hoses onto the melee to restore the yard to order. Prison officials said that there were no other reported injuries, although the violence did mar the end of “Bring your Child to the Yard” day.
Gasser was already upset by Foxington’s use of the word ‘bastard’ the previous turn as well her opponents’ use of the words ‘whore’ and ‘lascivious.’ Although she complained, the tournament judge had allowed all of the words. Gasser had just played ‘kat’ before the stabbing.
The case has aroused passions in Pulaski, where Scrabble joins church and racially-motivated hate crimes as the foundation for the community. Many of the residents want to see Gasser receive a strict sentence for defacing a tile in play, with some suggesting that her unborn child should be treated as an accomplice and tried as an adult.
“There is no acceptable excuse, pardon, or reprieve that can be imagined for such a malevolent crime,” said Mervin P. ‘Scooter’ Pugnam. “To carve a new point value in a tile is unimaginably vile.”
Others felt that Gasser was pushed into the crime by Foxington. Typical of their opinion was Gasser’s mother, Vonda K. Whatworthy, who said “How can they expect her and her baby to look the other way when they’re calling her a whore and making up words like luscibulous!”
The prison warden and only male staffer, Warden Roscoe Coaltrain, said he was sorry that the incident marred the image of his prison. “We run a clean facility here, without a hint of scandal besides the inexplicably high number of pregnancies among inmates. But I blame the ‘Poontang Phantom’ that roams the prison at night, handing out cases of cigarettes for sexual favors. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. Nobody has ever seen the so-called Phantom. And I have to chase off meddling teens all the time to keep it that way.”
The case was due to be heard this week by Judge Chamberlain Haller, but had to be postponed. A court statement said that “despite everyone dressing up in their best sweatpants, we cannot continue without Ms. Gasser, who is giving birth. Also, Warden Coaltrain is not available to testify because he also has business at the county hospital.”
[Editor: very loosely based on a true story]
Patriots Sign Last Available Manning
In his first public comments following the Patriots’ disappointing Superbowl loss, Bill Bellicheck announced that he was activating Plan M, which he described as “a way for us to harness the power of the Mannings for good instead of for evil.”
“Who beat us last year?” Bellicheck, still inexplicably attired in his blood-red hoodie instead of the trademark gray, asked a roomful of reporters too frightened to interrupt him. “Who beat us in the Superbowl? Those punk Manning kids, that’s who. But they have another brother, Cooper, who’s undrafted and available. So we’ve traded his employer five hundred thousand dollars for him, and we’ll be suiting him up this fall. To make cap room, we’re going to cut Troy Brown again and try to re-sign him for a Sizzler coupon book.”
Cooper Manning, who is a receiver, retired from football in 1992 because of health issues. Tedy Bruschi has been assigned by the Patriots to begin harassing Manning and telling him “if I can come back from a stroke, you can stop being a pussy and suit up too.”
Patriots star QB Tom Brady was excited about the new receiver. “Our receiving corps really fell apart in the playoffs, and we’re looking forward to having Coop out there to haul in those passes during crunch time, just like his brothers came up clutch and ended our seasons the last two years.”
Randy Moss, the former malcontent who has been a model citizen for the Patriots, was initially unhappy with the signing, but changed his attitude after the Bellicheck Mind Control Device took over his cerebrum. “It is good for the team,” he said in an ominous monotone. “I am looking forward to it.”
The signing sent a ripple through the sports-talk industry, still atwitter over the Patriots collapse in SB XLII. SI’s Peter King wrote that “It’s almost as exciting as the news that Brett Favre is beginning to think about discussing when he and his wife will talk about his possible consideration of retirement!”
Patriots super-fan and ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons announced he “will have a permanent woody from now until the next crushing Patriots loss late in 2008” and announced the “Bill Simmons Face” which “is the face that I make when hung over from drinking to forget the loss of a once-in-a-lifetime perfect season to a QB I detest while surfing the net on the toilet constipated from too much cheese dip and discovering that your wife forecasts football games better than you do.”
Not to be outdone, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder announced that he’d offered Archie Manning $50 million to come out of retirement as quarterback/offensive coordinator, but that the elder Manning “kicked me in the nuts and told me to get lost.”
Undeterred, Snyder upped his offer to $75 million and said that “if I quite every time I got kicked in the nuts, I’d never have gotten married.” He is currently awaiting a response from Archie while wearing a cup.
“Who beat us last year?” Bellicheck, still inexplicably attired in his blood-red hoodie instead of the trademark gray, asked a roomful of reporters too frightened to interrupt him. “Who beat us in the Superbowl? Those punk Manning kids, that’s who. But they have another brother, Cooper, who’s undrafted and available. So we’ve traded his employer five hundred thousand dollars for him, and we’ll be suiting him up this fall. To make cap room, we’re going to cut Troy Brown again and try to re-sign him for a Sizzler coupon book.”
Cooper Manning, who is a receiver, retired from football in 1992 because of health issues. Tedy Bruschi has been assigned by the Patriots to begin harassing Manning and telling him “if I can come back from a stroke, you can stop being a pussy and suit up too.”
Patriots star QB Tom Brady was excited about the new receiver. “Our receiving corps really fell apart in the playoffs, and we’re looking forward to having Coop out there to haul in those passes during crunch time, just like his brothers came up clutch and ended our seasons the last two years.”
Randy Moss, the former malcontent who has been a model citizen for the Patriots, was initially unhappy with the signing, but changed his attitude after the Bellicheck Mind Control Device took over his cerebrum. “It is good for the team,” he said in an ominous monotone. “I am looking forward to it.”
The signing sent a ripple through the sports-talk industry, still atwitter over the Patriots collapse in SB XLII. SI’s Peter King wrote that “It’s almost as exciting as the news that Brett Favre is beginning to think about discussing when he and his wife will talk about his possible consideration of retirement!”
Patriots super-fan and ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons announced he “will have a permanent woody from now until the next crushing Patriots loss late in 2008” and announced the “Bill Simmons Face” which “is the face that I make when hung over from drinking to forget the loss of a once-in-a-lifetime perfect season to a QB I detest while surfing the net on the toilet constipated from too much cheese dip and discovering that your wife forecasts football games better than you do.”
Not to be outdone, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder announced that he’d offered Archie Manning $50 million to come out of retirement as quarterback/offensive coordinator, but that the elder Manning “kicked me in the nuts and told me to get lost.”
Undeterred, Snyder upped his offer to $75 million and said that “if I quite every time I got kicked in the nuts, I’d never have gotten married.” He is currently awaiting a response from Archie while wearing a cup.
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