Through the Looking Glass

While others waste their time conspiracy-mongering about the Obama birth certificate, a great and hideous cabal works its nefarious will to alter the United States in ways we cannot possibly imagine, spearheaded by the Republican arch villain Karl Rove.

I speak, of course, about the ongoing efforts to sell southern California to China, which is happening under our noses and with the express written consent of the NFL.

When I tell people about this conspiracy, they inevitably pass through three phases: disbelief, followed by ridicule, and finally spittle-flecked outrage at this plan.

Read on and prepare your salivary glands, my friends.

Here are the facts:

California is impoverished, and is in fact paying bills by sending misspelled IOUs written on used cocktail napkins that have been coated in the Ebola virus in an attempt to either discredit or slay their creditors.

California’s Republican governor is a foreigner famous for having come from a communist country in the east.

The US is deeply indebted to China, and is taking on more and more debt every day to fund Obama’s lavish plans to socialize everything from health care to underwear (or didn’t you read the Boxer-Reid bill ‘Fruit of the Loom Relief Act of 2009’?).

Sarah Palin is doing everything in her power (faking pregnancies, resigning as governor, and even giving lapdances to Bigfeet) in an attempt to draw public attention northwards on orders of her Rovian master.

Obama is a lousy sportsman and has long harbored an intense disdain for surfing, ever since a group of surfers beat him up in junior high school, which is why he encouraged North Korea to nuke his home state of Hawaii (plot only foiled by the timely intervention of Kim Jong-Il’s bout of Explosive Flatulence). With southern Cal out of the way, there will be no surfing enclaves left.

No NFL teams of note reside in southern California, and the NFL is desperate to go global despite the obvious barriers to playing football outside of the US, most notably the rampant mental deficiencies in other cultures that make them enjoy soccer (which is erroneously translated as football in most other languages).

Obama’s secretary of state has close contacts with numerous Chinese officials and previously helped sell them other important US landmarks, such as the White House.

The Chinese recently toured Southern California with a torch to check it out, not unlike a prospective homeowner looking in the crawl space of a property with a flashlight. Before you scoff, remember that in many third-world countries a torch is just like a flashlight, and San Francisco is very much like a crawl space, only it smells worse.

At this point, as the spittle collects in the corner of your mouth, you might be wondering why Karl Rove wants to carve Chinafornia out of the southernmost part of the Golden State. The reason is quite simple: to create a permanent Republican majority. With those leftists gathered on the southern part of the state now getting what they deserve (re: communist enslavement), the northern part of the state will swing right and suddenly the guaranteed 55 Electoral College votes for the Democrats will disappear.

Illegal immigrants from Mexico will now be China’s problem, not ours. China will likely handle them in the respectful, humane way that they handle other problems, which will satisfy Rove’s dark thirst for blood.

Even the Democrats gain something, which is why they are supporting this vile effort: they’ll be rid of Nancy Pelosi.

Cultists, the NFL, and you

Some people worry about foreign strife, while others are kept up at night by a tanking economy. But unlike such ephemeral concerns, the thing that worries me is that a current NFL personality will start up a cult of personality that will end up making the Manson Family look like the Simpsons.

Okay, that was a bad analogy, because the Simpsons are awful, and just watching them will make you want to gouge your eyes out. How about they make the Manson Family look like the Osmond Family?

You're probably thinking to yourself: there goes Plebian, being crazy and worrying about something that could never possibly happen, and making up exaggerated scenarios for comedic effect.

Well, you've got some nerve, you know that?

Anyways, think about all the cult-like leaders currently roaming the landscape in the NFL right now. Think about the disproportionate influence that previous NFL personalities have held over this country's culture in the past. Why, Jim Brown alone was responsible for 23% of all Blaxploitation films in the early 70's.

Here are the guys I'm keeping an eye on:

Brett Favre

I once had a sportswriter friend who criticized Brett Favre at a Sports Illustrated Christmas party, saying that he threw too many interceptions and his personality was essentially Terrell Owens, only without the charm. They never found the guy's body.

Really, has anybody ever enjoyed the free pass from criticism that Favre has enjoyed throughout his career? From flagrantly mispronouncing his name to screwing his former team (in a plethora of ways), Favre can do no wrong for fans and the media bobbleheads.

How can I get to be Favrian? "Well, you cost the company six gagillion dollars, but it was a gutsy move to gamble all our money on 00 on the roulette wheel, so I'll let it pass. Just try to be more careful in the future, okay?"

Cult-O-Meter Risk: LOW. If he did start a cult, it'd probably get intercepted by the Feds pretty quickly.

Norv Turner

Everybody knows Norv Turner's downsides: he looks like a creepy neighbor you expect to turn up on one of those "Wanted" posters in the post office, his only claim to coaching genius is being lucky enough to have Troy Aikman, Emmet Smith, and Michael Irvin on his offense, and his teams are perennially tagged as "underachieving" without anyone ever pausing to think that maybe it reflects on him.

The potential upside to having Norv Turner as your coach? You'll get a new coach within a few years who can rebuild the shattered husk of a team he leaves behind. Note that this didn't work out so well for Oakland, though.

One amusing thing is watching sportswriters and bloggers continue to labor to find excuses for why San Diego "underachieves" without throwing up their hands and saying "look, obviously, the guy sucks as a coach."

Cult-O-Meter Risk: NEGATIVE. Turner would probably take over a successful cult, but then run it into the ground and end up turning all the members Presbyterian or something. Any chance we can get him into Scientology?

Heath Shuler

How is it that an average college quarterback for Tennessee got so heavily drafted, deep-sixed his own career with an ill-advised holdout, flamed out in the NFL, then got elected as a Representative for North Carolina, and is now being touted for the Senate?

I dunno, but it doesn't happen without some really creepy explanation involving either pictures, fraud, or mass hysteria. And great cults are built on all of those things.

Plus, the chant factor for his name is pretty high: "Shuuuuulllleeeeer." Go on, say it. Just not while smoking dope, or you'll end up peeling him grapes in your underwear. And trust me, that's no picnic.

Cult-O-Meter Risk: MEDIUM. Did you know that he has a realty business based in Tennessee, yet is a Representative from North Carolina? If he starts nosing around Guyana, we'll bump him up to SEVERE immediately.

Tony Romo

Not only does he have Favrian-level apologists who never point out that he chokes in big games, and not only does he have movie-star good looks, and not only does he have hagiographic media coverage, he has the praise of Jessica Simpson, saying that he's "calmed her down."

Anybody who can calm down a Hollywood Starlet has Rasputian powers beyond wildest imaginings.

And that's without starting to discuss T.O. shedding great big tears over him.

Cult-O-Meter Risk: BE AFRAID. Be very afraid.

The Canton Connection, Part 2

In New Hampshire we were witness to Diebold rigging an election to bring Hillary Clinton a much-needed victory. This perfidy was accomplished by using the NFL as a go-between for both contact and financial support.

Now, though, we have seen the depths to which the NFL is willing to stoop in order to help Hillary Clinton become president: they’ve rigged the Super Bowl! You didn’t really believe that the mighty Patriots could only score 14 points against the Giants and lose, did you?

How did they do this, you ask? It’s quite simple. Did you notice during the game that the shots of Peyton Manning in the second half looked remarkably like the ones from the first half? And that Peyton was both in the Giants locker room and inexplicably fatigued-looking after the game? This is because the Manning that threw the dramatic pass to get out of 3rd and 5 was Peyton himself! How else can you explain jittery Eli becoming cool-hand Luke in the Superbowl?

Their other action was far more diabolical. Bill Bellicheck coached the entire game inexplicably attired in a red sweatshirt, rather than his trademark raggedy gray hoodie. Is there any surprise, then, that he struggled to find his coaching mojo and was distracted enough that he went for it on 4th and 13? This is the work of evil: stealing a man’s security hoodie just to win a football game.

Should we be surprised that as a young woman Hillary interned for the father of current NFL commissioner Roger Goodell? We should not: this conspiracy has been decades in the making, and it is like an onion: the more layers you peel back, the more it stinks.

But why would the NFL rig the Superbowl to allow the underdog Giants to win? How could this profit their preferred candidate? It is because of history, and the strange power of the Superbowl to affect the presidential election.

It is a fact that when the AFC wins the Superbowl, the Presidency changes parties (with one sinister exception). It is also a fact that when the NFC wins the Superbowl, the incumbent almost always cruises to victory.

The exception is this: George Bush won in 2000 when the NFC was victorious, and he won again in 2004 when the AFC won, which is all the more reason to cast doubt upon his hanging chads and electoral shenanigans. Everyone knows that Karl Rove has no respect for real election laws; we should not expect him to respect metaphysical ones, either.

What does this mean for the 2008 election?

One must always ask: who gains? How could Hillary gain by an NFC win, instead of an AFC win, if an NFC win is good for the incumbent?

The only candidate to ever successfully change the party of the Presidency during an NFC victory is Bill Clinton. The only candidate who is running that has presidential experience is Hillary Clinton, through her co-candidate and sometimes spouse, Bill Clinton.

If the AFC won, then she surely would be doomed: the incumbent (her husband) would have been lost and the presidential party either change (to Barack Obama) or stay in Republican hands (via the machinations of Karl Rove). But with an NFC victory intact, the Clintons’ electoral good-luck charm is secured and the only incumbent eligible to run can breathe a little easier.

I ask again: can any of us hope to stand against this sinister confluence of political corruption, big business, and major sports?

The Canton Connection

While some have hinted that Diebold was involved in the inexplicably misforecast New Hampshire election, no one has provided any sort of evidence of why Diebold would take such an egregious risk, nor which other parties may have been involved in the nefarious scheme. No one until now, that is. The fact is this:

Diebold conspired to rig the New Hampshire election for Hillary Clinton so that the Democrat momentum would swing in her favor and she could fight her way back to the nomination. From there, it’s on to a general election where Diebold will once again deliver polling-inaccurate results, leading to a coronation in 2009 of the second Clinton administration.

Diebold is headquartered in Canton, Ohio. You know what else is headquartered in Canton, Ohio? The NFL hall of fame. Hillary Clinton is a senator from New York. You know who has their business offices in New York? The NFL.

Why does the NFL want to have Clinton as president? It’s very simple: they are currently under pressure to increase medical benefits to retired players, which could wind up costing them billions of dollars. The entire organization will go bankrupt buying titanium hips and glass eyes.

If Clinton is president, she’ll push for mandatory universal health care, first of all for those who need it most: the retired. So the NFL’s billion-dollar problem suddenly disappears, just like Obama voters on a frigid New Hampshire morning.

Clinton probably told the NFL this: either you get Diebold to help me in New Hampshire, or I’ll make sure a Senatorial subcommittee speaks to every crippled player it can find and soaks you for billions of dollars of damages.

Can America possibly hope to stand against a conspiracy which involves big government, big sports, and Carter-approved voting machines? Or have we already lost?

Vast Conspiracy Strikes Again

Not content to simply ruin Iraq, rig elections, and spy on Ross Perot's daughter's wedding, now the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy has begun rigging primaries as well.

How else can we explain the suspicious stories suddenly plaguing the otherwise unstoppable juggernaut that is the Hillary Clinton campaign? Are we to believe that some low-ranking Maid-Rite waitress (named, suspiciously enough, Esterday, as if she sprung like Athena from the mind of some religious nutter) really didn't receive a tip from the most munificent candidate ever to walk this country?

Of course Hillary Clinton left a tip. All good people know that either she left a tip directly, or her staffer left a $100 bill (of course the standard currency of tips, the Ben Franklin), or it was put on the credit card, like 99% of diner tips, or those other jealous harpies at the restaurant pocketed it and didn't give the waitress her fair share. After all, $100 is double the tax on a bill of $157, right? It's all clearly just a simple misunderstanding, as the story makes abundantly clear.

But a far more likely (and sinister) explanation is that this so-called 'waitress' is just a lying plant put there to derail Hillary. Consider other, more nefarious ongoings over the past few weeks of the campaign:

And are we really to believe that John Edwards, whose wife is gravely ill with cancer (not that they're using it as a campaign ploy), fooled around with a staffer? Especially when his wife is such a wonderful human being, even though she's gravely ill with cancer. John Edwards is an upstanding pillar of the community, who bravely forges on with his bid to make America a more humane place, even though it tears him apart that he can't be with his wife, who is gravely ill with cancer.

Barack Obama didn't send a letter he promised to send? More like the conspiracy, which of course controls the US Post Office, redirected the letter in order to enrage his constituents, which apparently has a large portion of irrational people who expect that someone campaigning for president has time to send them personal correspondence. And be sure to watch your inbox for signs that you've won the e-mail lottery giveaway.

The conspiracy is so deep that it has convinced Osama bin Laden to take responsibility for 9/11, when all right-thinking persons (such as Ron Paul) know that it was controlled demolition by the American Society of Podiatrists that brought down the twin towers. But they smear Paul by making him look irrational in order to provide excuses for their ongoing war against the moderate, civilized, middle east.

And last, but certainly not least, the conspiracy has arranged for Pat Robertson to endorse Rudy Giuliani, the 'Madden' cover-jinx of political endorsements.

What does the conspiracy want? They want a Chris Dodd-Mitt Romney election. Dodd's lack of charisma and Romney's weird Mormonism will drive voters to the dark-horse candidate they've been grooming for years, public-safety 'expert' Ralph Nader, who will immediately plunge the country into a new Dark Ages.

Thus paving the way for a tyrannical Jeb Bush administration in 2012 that will cut taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule the US like a king.

BEWARE THE CABAL!

The Sheboygan Hillbillies

(to the tune of The Ballad of Jed Clampett)

Come and listen to a story 'bout a mayor named Perez,
And the Sheboygan city attorney, who are both chuckle-heads,
Didn't like a critic who was linking to the cops,
So they sent her a letter telling her she had to stop.

No linking!
Police investigating.
Gonna get you, they said.

Well, the first thing you know the blog-sphere's in a roar.
Lots of happy lawyers were banging at her door.
said the first amendment makes her criticisms free,
And the mayor and his cronies can't take her liberty.

Postings, there were.
Hundreds of 'em.
Lots of criticism.

Now, the mayor and his cronies have said don't you never-mind.
They sent another letter saying everything is fine.
But the one thing about it all that surely gets their gall,
Is that Jeni and her lawyers now can cut off all their balls!

Y'all link back now,
You hear?

A Wiser Choice for Mayor

Norv Turner: Threat to World Peace

A recent article posits that Norv Turner is responsible for the decline and fall of both the Chargers and the 49ers, and I can fully believe this. Such is the man’s manifest incompetence that he can ruin one franchise with his presence and another with his absence.

But why stop there? His machinations stretch far beyond the football field. Witness, if you dare, the far-reaching effects of what I call…

THE TURNER ZONE

Veganism
Norv Turner was born in 1952. You know what else was born this year? Vegans, spawned by the first Vegan lifestyle manual, “How Live in Harmony with Gaea” by Darlene Redcrotch. Filled with helpful hints like “shaving supports the evil patrimony”, it encouraged a generation of granola girls to be hairier than a buffalo and smell like a sasquatch fart. Would such a tome of manifest evil get published in a world without Norv Turner? Well, it surely never was before.

Second Palestinian Intifada
Turner’s disastrous 2000 season as Washington head coach so totally demoralized and distracted Washington politicians that they were completely incapable of defusing and preventing the second Palestinian Intifada in 2000. Would Arafat have dared to so completely disregard the Noble Peace Prize and the Oslo Accords if he thought Bill Clinton hadn’t been preoccupied with the slow-motion horror show that was the 2000 Redskins? I doubt it.

Countless 2007 Fantasy Football-Related Suicides
For years LT has been a stat machine for fantasy football freaks, and suddenly he falls into the Turner Zone and is never heard from again (62 yards and 1 TD so far this season). All over America, fantasy owners with LT are being barraged by semi-literate geek rants from the other dorks in their leagues, whose nasally chortling will eventually drive them to autoerotic asphyxiation as the only means of escape.

The Gay Phenomenon in Iran
Heartthrob and all-around good guy Iranian president Ahemenidijad assures us that “this gay phenomenon in Iran does not exist.” Why not? Because they’ve all moved to San Francisco, center of the worldwide gay community, in a show of solidarity for the beleaguered 49ers fans who have had to suffer under Norv Turner the past few years. If only Norv Turner hadn’t ruined them, then Iran would be a more cosmopolitan society today.

Nate Newton’s 2,645 tons of Pot
Nate Newton had to play, year after year, on a Cowboys team whose offense was headed up by Turner. The stress eventually got to him and he had to start smoking marijuana almost constantly in order to help keep himself mellow. Plus, he put on a lot of weight, going from JJ to Fat Albert over his NFL career. Won’t somebody please think of the children?

The 1917 Bolshevik Revolution
Some of you may object that this happened years before Turner was born, but I would ask you this: has any person ever more strongly resembled Russian mystic Rasputin than Norv Turner? Think on it: has a mysterious hold over those in command, uses sinister powers to destroy and ruin those around him, and seems to survive wounds which would kill any ordinary man. If he’s not Rasputin, he’s football’s nearest equivalent.

Ruh-Roh, Raggy's a Commie!

When you watch Scooby-Doo, do you enjoy a simple cartoon about a band of mystery-solving teenagers and their dog? If so, then you’re an idiot. Scooby-Doo is one of the vilest poisons ever to seep into the cultural fabric of this country, worse than the Teletubbies and Howdy Doody combined.

And I’m not even talking about the drug references. I’m talking about something far more serious: communism. Scooby-Doo looks like it was written straight out of a KGB handbook on insidious propaganda. And now that Vladimir Putin has dissolved his government and gone dictator like his BFF Hugo Chavez, we need to get serious about defending this country from communism again.

Which means we need to get rid of Scooby-Doo. For those of you who doubt, I present the following evidence:

Exhibit A: The Characters

Freddy and Velma are the ‘workers’ of the show who are continually glorified for their intelligence and poise under fire. Idealized versions of what the true human potential, working for the greater good of the group, can really achieve. And who are they named after? Fredrich Engels, who co-wrote Marx’ book Das Kapital, and Velma Marx, Karl Marx’ grandmother and a formative influence in his life. The commies that wrote this show knew they couldn’t get away with dressing them in red, so they put them in orange (Velma’s shirt, Freddy’s ascot).

Daphne represents the ‘unallied nations’ with her on-again off-again relationship with Fred, her vacillations, and her preoccupation with material goods. Whenever she falls too far under the sway of capitalists she becomes Danger-Prone Daphne and has some sort of terrible incident befall her. But in the end she must realize the error of her ways and return to serving her red masters. Daphne wears purple because it’s a natural transition between blue (individual liberty) and red (communism).

Shaggy and Scooby of course represent the USA (their names being alliterative of Stars and Stripes, and Shaggy’s real surname Rogers being the same surname as Captain America). Gluttonous, cowardly, and gangly, these two are the worst kind of stereotypes about the US.

Exhibit B: Every episode is a de-facto indictment of US policies

The basic setup is always the same: gang finds mystery; Shaggy and Scooby panic, run around, eat a lot, and cause all kinds of trouble; Velma solves the mystery; and finally Freddy comes up with a trap that is ruined by Shaggy and Scooby’s incompetence. In the end, the bad guy is caught through sheer chance alone, usually in spite of (not because of) Shaggy and Scooby’s bungling.

The moral of the story is this: if only the rest of the world would stop allowing the United States to blunder around wrecking everything, the communists could solve all their problems.

Exhibit C: Heavily prominent communist imagery

Is it an accident that Shaggy went from wearing the color of money (green) to the color of the proletariat (red) as the show went on? I don’t think so. This is intended to show that, no matter how wretched a capitalist you are today, you too can embrace communism.

The mystery machine is plastered with hippy symbolism, intended to convince youth that war is wrong under any circumstances and that the giant red military monster should be allowed to swallow entire nations with nary a hint of protest from the US. “If the country’s a-rocking, don’t come a-knocking.”

Finally, the belligerent, tough-talking, dunder-headed sack of crap called Scrappy was created as a stand-in for the US congress and made his debut on the anniversary of Joe McCarthy’s first House Subcommittee on Unamerican Activities hearing, and was always intended to make children despise the government and trust in ‘Big Brother’, aka Scooby Doo, aka communism.

Exhibit D: Look at the bad guys

Every bad guy in Scooby Doo is an indictment of capitalism, decrying the vileness of personal initiave and individual freedom. They're poor charicatures of the "Capitalist Robber-Barons" of the 19th century:

The Creeper? Bank executive turned crook, just like all the rest of them. And who finally caught him? The blue-collar security guard, who bravely risked life and limb to expose the villainous plutocrat.

Dr. Jekyll’s Ghost? An indictment of the American health care system, which spawns quack doctors who eventually go on jewelry heists and frame their proletariat maids.

Werewolf? Sheep rustler who was trying to subvert the good of the many for his own personal gain, thus proving that collective agriculture is vastly superior to individual enterprise.

The Carnival of Terror robot? Technology run amok; remember that soviet scientists were always lagging behind, so they had to convince us that technology was worthless or likely to backfire and murder our children at the amusement parks.

Black Knight? Blatant anti-royalist screed that also gets its digs in against the intelligentsia with its image of the rogue university professor running amok.

The Phantom Shadows? Two incompetent lawyers, the moral of this story was that US laws are worthless and administered by incompetents for the gain of corrupted money from a bygone era.

Exhibit E: Scooby Snacks

While rampant shortages were common in the soviet system, they wanted us to believe that someday things would be so bad under capitalism that people would not only be forced to eat dog treats, they would have one they preferred above the rest! Why didn’t the other gang members ever eat Scooby snacks?

Because they were well taken-care-of in their communist paradise, that’s why.

So don’t fool yourself. These new Scooby-Doos may have Smash Mouth and be well-drawn, but you have to ask yourself: has the commie Great Dane really changed his spots?

I don’t think so.

How BDS is like Alzheimer’s

BDS (Bush Derangement Syndrome) has very predictable stages, and they are pretty similar to Alzheimer’s. Consider the progress of these brain maladies:

Stage 1 - Warning Signs: First your loved one begins displaying symptoms which, singly, can be easily dismissed: forgetting the names of acquaintances, or perhaps making disparaging commentary that’s only peripherally related to the topic at hand. For example, in a discussion of the economy, the columnist says that since Bush is beholden to businesses he will push tax cuts no matter how much they damage the economy.

You shake your head and hope that this is just a normal sign of aging or sucking up to his liberal boss. But secretly, you worry that this is a harbinger of worse times to come.

Stage 2 – Rapid Decline: Now your loved one has begun more and more to change from the person that you knew, with frequent mood swings, loss of capability to do day-to-day tasks, and increasingly non-sequiter remarks about how evil Bush is. One sign might be that in a wine tasting column, the writer mentions that the vintage was “harder to swallow than Bush’s excuses about why he allowed thousands to die in hurricane Katrina without him lifting a hand.”

You begin to reorganize your life in order to keep a close eye on your loved one, look into possible treatment options, and begin scanning competitors to find a more even-keeled commentator.

Stage 3 – The Alarm Clock in the Refrigerator: Your loved one just isn’t the person you knew, engages in increasingly bizarre, erratic, and dangerous behavior, and repeats intellectually fraudulent claims that don’t pass even the barest scrutiny as if they were sacred and profane truths. When your favorite sports columnist tells you that Paul Wolfowitz was the architect of the greatest foreign policy disaster in US history and that the World Bank smear campaign against him was justified because he was an evil man, you’ve entered Stage 3.

Now it’s time to move your loved one into a care facility, enjoy the little remaining “good time” that you have with them, and develop other interests to avoid the contaminated sufferer until after the 2008 elections (possibly longer).

Stage 4 – A New Beginning: Your loved one no longer knows you, and every time you’re with them you’re amazed at how far they’ve slipped; you try other columnists but the sorrow of what you’ve lost brings you back occasionally to your first love. But it never works out the way you’d like, and you end up reading a 6,000-word screed on why Bush is worse than Hitler and how he’s turned the US into a world pariah that can only be redeemed by turning him over to the World Court in The Hague and allowing the Democrats to socialize health care.

Until science has a cure for this grave disorder, we’ll just continue to suffer along with those we once held dear as they slip into denial, disgruntlement, and finally dementia.

That’s true for Alzheimer’s, too.

John "Tyler" Edwards

I've finally figured out John Edwards' secret plan to be president. It's not that he's a whiny, self-absorbed phony who thinks he can bitch and moan his way to president. No, it's that he's a shrewd student of history and the laws of probability. John Edwards hopes to be the next John Tyler.

Fact: Tyler was elected VP to a wildly popular war hero, William Harrison (Tippecanoe)
Edwards hopes to be vice president to the nearest thing Democrats have to a war hero, Hillary Clinton, who voted for the Iraq war and speaks moderately about it.

Fact: Tippecanoe caught pneumonia after a four-hour inauguration speech in the rain without a hat
Edwards knows that Clinton will ramble on and on at her inauguration, for hours. And if that doesn't get her ill, Edwards is banking on those VP death squads that have served Dick Cheney so well.

Fact: John Tyler split with his party after being president
Edwards has split from his party by submerging himself into the netroots

Fact: John Tyler was the first VP to seize the presidency, nearly splitting the country in two
Edwards would also like to split the country in two, then take all the money from one and put it in his own pocket (the famous "two Americas" theme)

Fact: John Tyler was put on the ticket because he cried when Henry Clay didn't get the nomination
Edwards is right now touring the country crying because Ann Coulter was mean to him

Can there be any doubt that Edwards is hoping to be the next Tyler?

Michael Vick succumbs to conspiracy

Isn’t it just a little too convenient for Falcons owner Arthur Blank that the “Michael Vick Problem” suddenly handled itself without him having to dirty his hands? Does anybody else smell a rat?

Let me explain: Vick was one of the most popular NFL QBs, an advertising and jersey-sales superstar with appeal to people throughout the country. But the reality is that he’s a career sub-55% passer with a 1.4 TD:INT ratio. Being the most exciting runner in the game doesn’t compensate for being an average QB.

But what could Blank do? He couldn’t get rid of Vick; he’d never unload Vick’s contract, and just letting him go would outrage Atlanta fans and cost him ticket sales. So the owner was saddled with a QB he felt couldn’t take the team all the way. This also makes fans mad. So Blank is in a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.

Enter the dogfighters. This group of lowlife scum comes in and sets up camp around Vick and his clean-as-a-whistle Bad Newz Kennels. They build black-painted sheds behind a house that Vick owns and plant evidence there. Fake witnesses, false stories, and even some ill-conceived commentary by other players all convene to make Vick look worse than the love child of Rosie O’Donnell and George W. Bush.

The trap is sprung. Vick is no match for the fury of PETA and the Humane Society combined. Flatulent sports reporters dig their teeth into the story, each of them mindful of how much everybody loves dogs. Who among us didn’t shed a tear when Peter King’s dog died, or read Old Yeller in school?

It’s the perfect storm of righteous outrage mixed with ignorant bloviation. Soon the damage is done and Vick’s career is put to sleep. Blank and the Falcons are now free to draft wonderboy Brian Brohm, one of new coach Bobby Petrino’s old college QB’s from that famed cradle of quarterbacks, University of Louisville. As Hannibal used to say on A-Team, I love it when a plan comes together.

You’d better believe Green Bay chairman Bob Harlan is watching this carefully, and will soon be in contact with Blank to figure out how he, too, can move a tired old obstacle out of the path to success for his beleaguered Packers.

Until next time, keep watching the skis!

Unified Conspiracy Theory

From noted conspiracy unravelers John Conners and Rosie O’Donnel comes a shocking bombshell that threatens to tear America apart by revealing the true inner workings of American politics for the past 50 years. Be warned: your life may never be the same!

Read, if you dare, the nefarious timeline of the sinister Cabal:

1946: Several Freemasons discover ancient Templar writings handed down from the time of Jesus in a Nazi storehouse in Berlin which detail the perfect government. However, these writings have been suppressed by the Catholic Church because they challenge the power of the pope. Inspired, they form the Cabal, an organization dedicated to the implementation of this perfect form of government, which is actually a form of tyranny too frightening to imagine.
1948: Alger Hiss is framed by the Cabal for being a Soviet spy to raise Richard Nixon’s public profile and provide him with a leg up to be president two decades later.
1952: The Cabal kidnaps a young prodigy and raises him to be a political Savant, capable of political prognostication and propagandic pontification beyond what the world has ever seen. They dub him Karl Rove.
1958: The John Burch society is founded with the aims to combat communism and the spread of socialism, but is in reality a front group for the Cabal, who want to install a king to rule over the United States. They use the society in coming years to denounce their enemies.
1963: John F. Kennedy is assassinated after he refuses to accept the kingship of the United States. Standing on the grassy knoll, and the true assassin, is noted marksman Dick Cheney.
1964: The Warren commission erases all record of the assassination documents, including the infamous “Dallas Interview” where Oswald stated “I just did what Dick told me.”
1967: The crew of Apollo 1 is killed to keep them from revealing that the videos of the moon landing were faked.
1968: Robert Kennedy is assassinated after also refusing to accept the crown of the United States. Spurned by the greater of the two parties, the conspirators turn to the Republicans.
1968: Richard Nixon agrees to help the Cabal with their nefarious scheme, and proposes the Bush family as a likely group from which to select a monarch. Nixon later orders records of meetings between the Democrats and the Cabal destroyed, which goes wrong in the infamous ‘Watergate’ affair several years later.
1969: in order to demonstrate American technical prowess to the rest of the world, videos purporting to show a “moon landing” are broadcast around the world. This effort is ultimately successful, as no one since has ever realized that America does not possess any high-tech capability beyond Al Gore’s later invention of the Internet.
1973: The Supreme Court decides in favor of abortion in Roe v. Wade, ensuring that the supply of people who would be against the Cabal will be curtailed.
1973: Formation of the Trilateral Commission, which has as its goal the replication of the Cabal in every nation throughout the world and establishment of a “World Emperor.”
1975: Jimmy Hoffa refuses to use union money to support criminal endeavors and is murdered by the Cabal.
1980: Well-meaning but politically naive politician Ronald Reagan is selected as the front man to move the Bush family to greater national prominence.
1986: Dan Rather, long a thorn in the side of the Cabal, narrowly misses having his brain scrambled by a prototype space laser. It instead hits a nearby bystander, who begins to yell “Kenneth, what is the frequency?” and attacks Rather. Rather begins to wear a tin-foil hat in private to deflect the space rays. To prevent a recurrence, the Cabal begins Project Needle, implanting microchips into the populace of the United States via annual innoculations and during blood drives For this reason, children are forced to be vaccinated despite serious medical risks, which are all covered up by the AMA for the Cabal.
1991: The Cabal orders the Soviet Union to disband so that George HW Bush can take credit, which they do, and he does.
1992: In order to throw investigators off their trail, the Cabal rigs the election to promote little-known Arkansas governor and democrat Bill Clinton to the presidency. To cover their tracks they use millionaire H. Ross Perot to siphon votes from George HW Bush. When he threatens to reveal their scheme, the Cabal drives Perot mad using their sophisticated space laser to alter his brain chemistry.
1993: Vince Foster is assassinated after threatening to publicize his role in falsifying the Clintons’ tax return for the Whitewater real estate dealings, which was used by the Cabal to repay the Clintons in return for their silence regarding the conspiracy’s aid in the 1992 campaign.
1994: McDonald’s begins offering supersize meals to encourage obesity, making the American populace less capable of throwing off their oppressors in the future.
1995: Dick Cheney takes over the industrial group Halliburton, which secretly owns 49% of every major oil company in the world. This company funnels money from massive government contracts back into the Republican Party, funding their electoral successes for the next decade.
1998: A Bush family member is placed in Florida’s governorship to ensure that he can help rig the coming presidential election. He begins by ensuring that loyal party members are in place in all potentially disputed Florida counties.
1999: Newt Gingrich is driven from power because of his ludicrous nickname and failure to accept a Bush as future regent.
2000: After clumsily rigging the vote against super-genius sexpot Al Gore, the Bush family must undertake its most ambitious project yet to secure their hold on America: project Iraqi Quagmire. However, low gas prices have hampered funds from Halliburton and the Cabal must search for other sources of funding.
2001: Dennis Tito becomes the first ‘Space Tourist.’ Unknown to the tourists, they are killed in the space station and replaced with cybernetic replicates who will do the will of the Cabal in the future, thus ensuring that the elite of the world will support the nefarious goals of the Cabal when the time comes.
2001: After 70 years of existence, Enron is revealed as a giant corporate shell game. Billions of dollars go missing and the retirements of countless millions of Americans are wiped out, thus ensuring longer working careers and reduced public confidence in the federal government. Sarbanes-Oxley is drafted to reduce the power of the business sector, viewed as a threat by the Cabal.
2001: Using funds from the Enron collapse, the Cabal plants explosive devices in the World Trade Center using the well-known techniques of destroying 100-storey buildings. These are detonated so as to minimize loss of life, and advanced holographic projectors fool the populace of NY into believing that two planes struck the towers. A second controlled explosion in Washington convinces people that this is part of an attack by a previously-unknown group of ragtag terrorists. In fact, three planeloads of people were taken to an orbital base to provide genetic material for advanced bio-manipulation experiments. A fourth plane, which crashed in Pennsylvania, is a fortuitous coincidence that the evil Cabal capitalizes on.
2002: The space laser has no impact on George Soros, who is already mad as a hatter. After listening to him for a while, the Cabal decides he will pose no problem and encourages him to speak publicly.
2003: To spike oil prices, thus ensuring record profits for refineries and thus Halliburton, the US declares war on Iraq. The cover story is WMD, but there are no WMD other than the ones that the US uses on Iraqi baby-milk factories.
2004: Once again the Cabal rigs an election, but this time it is the Democratic nomination that must be secured in order to bring plan supporter John Kerry out of the primaries as the nominee. They destroy true democrat Howard Dean via space laser, causing him to howl in fury, and Kerry purposefully runs such an inept campaign that he loses to the most politically vulnerable sitting president in the last 100 years.
2004: Trusted broadcaster Dan Rather is discredited by phony documents provided by republican strategist Karl Rove, with assistance from double-secret Cabal operative Mary Mapes. The real reason Rather is discredited is because he has eyewitness testimony to a meeting between the Cabal and the Bush family discussing their plans for world domination, but now will never be believed.
2005: The Cabal organizes a diverse group of semi-literate cranks into something called the Huffington Post in order to spew vitriol across the Internet.
2005: Using their powerful weather machine the Cabal creates a huge hurricane, then bombs the levees to flood New Orleans. The 2006 NFL season is then rigged so that the Saints make the playoffs, ensuring good season ticket sales for the team. This is not part of the overall plan but is good for a lark.
2005/2006: Two Supreme Court justices are removed from the bench in order to place Cabal high-level operatives in their place, one of them as head of the court, thus ensuring court support for the coming New World Order.
2006: In order to suppress Democrat turnout in 2008 the Cabal arranges for an incompetent group of democrats led by a gaggle of screeching morons to take over congress and the Senate. Cabal turncoat Joseph Lieberman stands ready to switch sides if necessary to tip the balance back to the Republicans. Public discontent with congress begins to mount.
2006: Saddam Hussein, victim of the same brain-scrambling ray that hit Ross Perot, is hanged after a farce trial despite his clear innocence. Also, former Enron chief Ken Lay is the first person assassinated by a cybernetic replicate created in the space lab built in 2001.
2007: A misfire by the space laser costs the Cabal one of their most valuable propaganda agents, Ann Coulter. Or does it?
2007: Every conceivable candidate and their dog starts their presidential campaign too early, thus leaving an opening in 2008 for the fatigued voting populace to sweep into power the man the Cabal long ago chose as heir to the throne of the United States.
2008: Jeb Bush declares himself Emperor of the United States immediately after his inauguration with approval from the Supreme Court and popular acclaim following the most incompetently corrupt congress in history, signaling the end of freedom and liberty and the realization of the goal of the Cabal.