The “Aged Sports Stars that Fascinate the Media and Bore the Rest of Us” home has one less resident now that Roger Clemens has signed with the Yankees for six hundred million dollars and three Hawaiian Islands. The media is breathless with anticipation of his plowing down AL hitters like so much dried-out wheat.
Admit it: how many of you are hoping he fails, has an 11.4 ERA, and the Yankees miss the playoffs? I don’t wish the guy any ill, but this act is getting tiresome.
Of course, he could be stubborn like Brett Favre, who has thrown 62 interceptions in the last two seasons and still comes back to play football. But at least Favre has taken several concussions that impaired his judgment.
What’s Clemens’ excuse? Oh, yeah, HGH. I mean, of course, His Great Heater. It’s not like I’m implying anything there.
Monday, May 7, 2007
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Now, I don't follow the news too closely. But apparently either Prince Harry or Harry Potter is going to get married (not sure which one), and these are the pictures of the women that he could marry. Only, I'm not too sure who they are.
Juding by the microphone and the pose, in the top left we have Michael Jackson, although I thought his hair was darker than that. In the top right is someone who appears to be wearing a Nike hat, so I guess it's a sportswoman, but I have no idea who. I'm pretty sure it's not Michelle Wie or Danica Patrick, nude racing hottie.
On the lower row it gets confusing. On the left we have the cartoon version of Phoebe Cates from Friends, as played by Lisa Kudrow. That's what makes me think it's Harry Potter getting married, since Prince Harry would need to marry a real woman. Of course, his mother didn't marry a real man, so I suppose he has family experience with this sort of thing.
And on the lower right there's a picture of Paris Hilton, in her black headband as she heads off to 45 days in the hoosegow. Will he still love her when she gets out? Only time will tell.
They stole my Bigfoot!
These guys ripped me off on their Bigfoot story. So, should I be honored to have been aped? Upset at having been copied?
Nah, I'm just a little irked that they did it so poorly. Ah, well,what're you gonna do?
Remember: Daily Dollop is the #1 source for Bigfoot news and updates. Everybody else is just derivative.
Nah, I'm just a little irked that they did it so poorly. Ah, well,what're you gonna do?
Remember: Daily Dollop is the #1 source for Bigfoot news and updates. Everybody else is just derivative.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Eagles Acquire Vick in Trade
Flanked by GM Tom Heckert and coach Andy Reid, Eagles Owner Jeffrey Lurie proudly announced Saturday that the Philadelphia Eagles had traded for embattled Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick. In return the Eagles traded away their legal team, renowned throughout the league for triumphing over Drew Rosenhaus in the Terrell Owens dismissal fiasco of 2005.
“It’s a great day for the team and for the city of Philadelphia,” Reid said at the press conference. “We took a lot of heat for not addressing our needs at running back during the draft, and now we’ve got one of the premier running backs in the league.”
The Falcons were also pleased, with general manager Rich McKay saying via statement that “We’re going to put their experience to work right away clearing up legal troubles for Ricky Williams and get him over here from the Dolphins to address our need at running back. Then we’ll see about getting out of our lease so we can move from Atlanta to Los Angeles.”
Lurie dismissed concerns over Vick’s troubled past. “Those bible-thumping rednecks in Atlanta might look askance at fine young man like Vick, but not here. Here in Philly we can appreciate a man who can sponsor a good dog fight. I’ve already asked Tom [Heckert] to contact the Phillies about having a charity dog-on-cock fight this summer, and they’ve been very receptive.”
Heckert added “From boxing to Santa Claus, nobody appreciates blood sport like Philly fans.”
Reached for comment in Thailand, where he was watching the World Ultimate Fighting Championship, Vick said he was pleased with the trade. “I’ve often wondered what I could do in a really premiere offense, surrounded by a good line and great receivers, and now I’ll get to find out. Plus, I won’t have to throw the ball any more, which seems like it will do my numbers a lot of good.”
“It’s a great day for the team and for the city of Philadelphia,” Reid said at the press conference. “We took a lot of heat for not addressing our needs at running back during the draft, and now we’ve got one of the premier running backs in the league.”
The Falcons were also pleased, with general manager Rich McKay saying via statement that “We’re going to put their experience to work right away clearing up legal troubles for Ricky Williams and get him over here from the Dolphins to address our need at running back. Then we’ll see about getting out of our lease so we can move from Atlanta to Los Angeles.”
Lurie dismissed concerns over Vick’s troubled past. “Those bible-thumping rednecks in Atlanta might look askance at fine young man like Vick, but not here. Here in Philly we can appreciate a man who can sponsor a good dog fight. I’ve already asked Tom [Heckert] to contact the Phillies about having a charity dog-on-cock fight this summer, and they’ve been very receptive.”
Heckert added “From boxing to Santa Claus, nobody appreciates blood sport like Philly fans.”
Reached for comment in Thailand, where he was watching the World Ultimate Fighting Championship, Vick said he was pleased with the trade. “I’ve often wondered what I could do in a really premiere offense, surrounded by a good line and great receivers, and now I’ll get to find out. Plus, I won’t have to throw the ball any more, which seems like it will do my numbers a lot of good.”
Friday, May 4, 2007
Fistfight Mars Republican Debate
Inside the debate room the comments were kept restrained, if sometimes aggressive, by the candidates. But afterwards at the post-debate party, sponsored by RIAA and attended by all ten Republican candidates, a fistfight started as the candidates announced their campaign theme songs.
It started out simply enough, with John McCain announcing that he had selected Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” as his theme song, and further announcing that to expand on his comments from the debate he hoped to “bomb any country that the good people of the United States feel fit to turn me loose on, including Canada.”
Next, Mitt Romney selected John Travolta's "Let Her In," surprising few. Third was Rudy Giuliani, selecting Whitney Houston’s love ballad “I Will Always Love You.” He explained by noting “It’s not so much for the song, but for that movie, which right now kid of reminds me of my campaign: gliding silently through the icy waters, totally unstoppable, full of people with hopes and dreams for a better future.”
Duncan Hunter announced that his theme song was Jimi Hendrix’ rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”, after which Sam Brownback selected the 1976 musak version of the Beatles song “Lucy in the Sky.” Somewhat perturbed that his song had been taken by Brownback, Jim Gilmore chose instead to select the song “Bittersweet Symphony”, which unfortunately cannot be played because of copyright reasons.
Mike Huckabee selected the “Emergency Broadcast Signal,” only slightly less annoying than his prattle during the debate. Tom Tancredo surprised the crowd by selecting Judas Priests’ “Mob Rules”, which he says exemplifies the kind of border control he envisions once he is president.
The fistfight broke out when Ron Paul became enraged that Tommy Thompson, who stepped in front of him at the podium, claimed the Spice Girls hit “Wannabe” as his campaign theme song. Paul, calling himself “the only true Wannabe candidate in the election” punched Thompson, and the two had to be separated.
McCain, who held Paul while the other candidates held back an enraged Thompson, told them to stop or he’d “kick their butts to the gates of hell.”
It started out simply enough, with John McCain announcing that he had selected Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries” as his theme song, and further announcing that to expand on his comments from the debate he hoped to “bomb any country that the good people of the United States feel fit to turn me loose on, including Canada.”
Next, Mitt Romney selected John Travolta's "Let Her In," surprising few. Third was Rudy Giuliani, selecting Whitney Houston’s love ballad “I Will Always Love You.” He explained by noting “It’s not so much for the song, but for that movie, which right now kid of reminds me of my campaign: gliding silently through the icy waters, totally unstoppable, full of people with hopes and dreams for a better future.”
Duncan Hunter announced that his theme song was Jimi Hendrix’ rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner”, after which Sam Brownback selected the 1976 musak version of the Beatles song “Lucy in the Sky.” Somewhat perturbed that his song had been taken by Brownback, Jim Gilmore chose instead to select the song “Bittersweet Symphony”, which unfortunately cannot be played because of copyright reasons.
Mike Huckabee selected the “Emergency Broadcast Signal,” only slightly less annoying than his prattle during the debate. Tom Tancredo surprised the crowd by selecting Judas Priests’ “Mob Rules”, which he says exemplifies the kind of border control he envisions once he is president.
The fistfight broke out when Ron Paul became enraged that Tommy Thompson, who stepped in front of him at the podium, claimed the Spice Girls hit “Wannabe” as his campaign theme song. Paul, calling himself “the only true Wannabe candidate in the election” punched Thompson, and the two had to be separated.
McCain, who held Paul while the other candidates held back an enraged Thompson, told them to stop or he’d “kick their butts to the gates of hell.”
Kudos to Pearlman
If you're going to rip somebody, you have to be sure to point out when they get it right, as Jeff Pearlman does in this column. So go read it, then turn your computer off and take his advice. It'll all be here when you get back.
Paging Doctor Mickey
I see that the vast right-wing hit machine has spun into overdrive over on Don Surber's blog, denouncing the government’s 3-day healthcare research conference at Disneyworld. But it’s clear that they don’t know the first thing about healthcare or Disney. If they did, then they’d be cheering this as an example of government prioritizing at its finest.
Complaint #1: It’s too expensive.
Reality: Did you know that a top-of-the-line room at the deluxe resorts in Disney costs about 850 dollars a night? The lowest quoted room rate at the Swan and Dolphin resorts costs just a fraction of that, at only 245 dollars per night. And with more flights than ever between Washington and Orlando, airfare is practically negligible, as is transportation to the park if you register with Disney’s “Ticket to the World” package. So forget this as a legitimate beef.
Verdict: Just more right-wing spin.
Complaint #2: Health-care officials have their own offices
Reality: It’s a well-known fact that people can’t concentrate on cross-functional teams if they’re in a distracting environment. And what environment is more distracting than Washington, with constant subpoenas, phone calls from home, and lurid text messages from closeted homosexual representatives? The placid shores of Lake Disney are the ideal place to have this calm, relaxing look at fixing the nation’s health care woes, located in a serene wilderness ideal for contemplation. It’s as if Emerson or Thoreau decided to focus on health care.
Verdict: Necessary to focus.
Complaint #3: There’s no connection between Disneyworld and health care
Reality: When was the last time you heard of a Disney employee getting hurt? Me neither. And they wear those heavy costumes, in Florida, in the summer. They work near dangerous rides. They deal with children. So obviously this is a model system. Why not learn from the best? Also, it’s not like there are broken hospitals in the Washington area that need fixing or anything.
Verdict: Just more hot air from the so-called "Porkbusters", like we’ve come to expect.
Complaint #4: “It’s like the nomenklatura going to the Black Sea.”
Reality: I have no idea what that comment means, so clearly it’s false and inflammatory.
Verdict: Obfuscation with over-education does not give validation.
Surber winds up his absurd piece by saying ”this is just a taste of what government-run healthcare will look like.” To which I say: good! I love to go to Disneyworld. It’s the happiest, and healthiest, place on Earth!
Complaint #1: It’s too expensive.
Reality: Did you know that a top-of-the-line room at the deluxe resorts in Disney costs about 850 dollars a night? The lowest quoted room rate at the Swan and Dolphin resorts costs just a fraction of that, at only 245 dollars per night. And with more flights than ever between Washington and Orlando, airfare is practically negligible, as is transportation to the park if you register with Disney’s “Ticket to the World” package. So forget this as a legitimate beef.
Verdict: Just more right-wing spin.
Complaint #2: Health-care officials have their own offices
Reality: It’s a well-known fact that people can’t concentrate on cross-functional teams if they’re in a distracting environment. And what environment is more distracting than Washington, with constant subpoenas, phone calls from home, and lurid text messages from closeted homosexual representatives? The placid shores of Lake Disney are the ideal place to have this calm, relaxing look at fixing the nation’s health care woes, located in a serene wilderness ideal for contemplation. It’s as if Emerson or Thoreau decided to focus on health care.
Verdict: Necessary to focus.
Complaint #3: There’s no connection between Disneyworld and health care
Reality: When was the last time you heard of a Disney employee getting hurt? Me neither. And they wear those heavy costumes, in Florida, in the summer. They work near dangerous rides. They deal with children. So obviously this is a model system. Why not learn from the best? Also, it’s not like there are broken hospitals in the Washington area that need fixing or anything.
Verdict: Just more hot air from the so-called "Porkbusters", like we’ve come to expect.
Complaint #4: “It’s like the nomenklatura going to the Black Sea.”
Reality: I have no idea what that comment means, so clearly it’s false and inflammatory.
Verdict: Obfuscation with over-education does not give validation.
Surber winds up his absurd piece by saying ”this is just a taste of what government-run healthcare will look like.” To which I say: good! I love to go to Disneyworld. It’s the happiest, and healthiest, place on Earth!
101st Post!
This is my one hundred and first post. I'm quite certain nobody but me cares about this milestone. Yay, me!
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Uncle Ben, Climate Criminal
The European Court of First Instance issued a warrant today for the arrest of Uncle Ben, the rice magnate who made headlines recently when it was revealed that he was one of the greatest climate criminals in history.
“Everyone had certain obligations to meet under Kyoto, and instead of trying to meet his obligations Uncle Ben chose to turn the world into his own personal greenhouse,” said noted Environmental Champion Al Gore. “Deadly tsunamis, hurricane Katrina, droughts, floods, hard freezes this winter in the US, and the general decline of contestants on American Idol can all be laid at his doorstep.”
“It’s clear that this American businessman is history’s greatest monster,” said French presidential hopeful Segolene Royal. “When he’s not discriminating against poor youths or forcing the oppressed to work their 36th hour, my opponent Nicolas Sarkozy likes to socialize with filth like this. Remember that a vote for him is a vote to flood the Netherlands, where it’s legal to buy pot, which you’ll need to cope with the stress after Sarkozy makes it possible for your employer to fire you in very limited circumstances after your fifth offense.”
Gore said the methane emissions from the fields were only the tip of Ben’s melting climate iceberg. “It takes a lot of heat to boil the water to cook the rice. How much additional CO2 has been emitted preparing this inefficient dish? In my opinion, this man and his loathsome crop can both be consigned to the dustbin of history.”
American officials denied knowledge of where Ben was, although Europeans expressed skepticism that such a famous icon as Uncle Ben could travel unknown inside the country. Judge Wallace Williams hinted that he was being protected by the Bush administration. “This administration’s contempt for world opinion is legendary: cancelling Kyoto, putting pimps in charge of the World Bank, and attacking other countries unprovoked when a polite but firm letter would work just as well. Why not hide a supervillain like Uncle Ben?”
Other sources hinted at a more personal motive for hiding the businessman. One Court official, who was not authorized to speak to the media, said that “Uncle Ben has long had a very close, very personal affair with Condoleeza Rice. If I were looking for him, I’d check at her house first.”
“Everyone had certain obligations to meet under Kyoto, and instead of trying to meet his obligations Uncle Ben chose to turn the world into his own personal greenhouse,” said noted Environmental Champion Al Gore. “Deadly tsunamis, hurricane Katrina, droughts, floods, hard freezes this winter in the US, and the general decline of contestants on American Idol can all be laid at his doorstep.”
“It’s clear that this American businessman is history’s greatest monster,” said French presidential hopeful Segolene Royal. “When he’s not discriminating against poor youths or forcing the oppressed to work their 36th hour, my opponent Nicolas Sarkozy likes to socialize with filth like this. Remember that a vote for him is a vote to flood the Netherlands, where it’s legal to buy pot, which you’ll need to cope with the stress after Sarkozy makes it possible for your employer to fire you in very limited circumstances after your fifth offense.”
Gore said the methane emissions from the fields were only the tip of Ben’s melting climate iceberg. “It takes a lot of heat to boil the water to cook the rice. How much additional CO2 has been emitted preparing this inefficient dish? In my opinion, this man and his loathsome crop can both be consigned to the dustbin of history.”
American officials denied knowledge of where Ben was, although Europeans expressed skepticism that such a famous icon as Uncle Ben could travel unknown inside the country. Judge Wallace Williams hinted that he was being protected by the Bush administration. “This administration’s contempt for world opinion is legendary: cancelling Kyoto, putting pimps in charge of the World Bank, and attacking other countries unprovoked when a polite but firm letter would work just as well. Why not hide a supervillain like Uncle Ben?”
Other sources hinted at a more personal motive for hiding the businessman. One Court official, who was not authorized to speak to the media, said that “Uncle Ben has long had a very close, very personal affair with Condoleeza Rice. If I were looking for him, I’d check at her house first.”
Yankees fire first scapegoat
The New York Yankees Thursday swung into action and fired the first scapegoat for their rapidly deteriorating season, first-year conditioning coach Marty Miller. GM Brian Cashman made the decision on Wednesday, saying that “it’s pretty clear that it was him or somebody else, and I’m somebody else, so I decided it better be him.”
No word yet on who the Yankees hoped to hire, but a luck-bringing Troll doll and an out-of-work mime coach named Mister Blister were rumored to be high on the Yankees’ list as possible replacements. The troll doll currently works for five-time BINGO champion Helen Neidenmacken, who was demanding a six-million-dollar signing bonus.
Mister Blister was available following the collapse of the NHL as a major league sport.
A spokesperson for George Steinbrenner denied rumors that the team had recently hired a voodoo priestess and was putting chicken blood in player’s ointments as a way to ward off evil spirits.
“There’s no truth to this rumor that we’ve run out and hired a voodoo priestess to help us find good karma.” Said the spokesperson through a statement. “We hired Madam Shabooboo four years ago, and her services have been invaluable. If her Schilling doll had worked just a little better in 2004, we’d have no complaints at all. As it is, we’ve been very pleased with her rituals, which do not involve chicken blood. It’s goat’s blood.”
No word yet on who the Yankees hoped to hire, but a luck-bringing Troll doll and an out-of-work mime coach named Mister Blister were rumored to be high on the Yankees’ list as possible replacements. The troll doll currently works for five-time BINGO champion Helen Neidenmacken, who was demanding a six-million-dollar signing bonus.
Mister Blister was available following the collapse of the NHL as a major league sport.
A spokesperson for George Steinbrenner denied rumors that the team had recently hired a voodoo priestess and was putting chicken blood in player’s ointments as a way to ward off evil spirits.
“There’s no truth to this rumor that we’ve run out and hired a voodoo priestess to help us find good karma.” Said the spokesperson through a statement. “We hired Madam Shabooboo four years ago, and her services have been invaluable. If her Schilling doll had worked just a little better in 2004, we’d have no complaints at all. As it is, we’ve been very pleased with her rituals, which do not involve chicken blood. It’s goat’s blood.”
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