AFL: Where Even the Owners are Better

Joseph Santoloquito has penned a mastery of Ars Apologia today on ESPN.com in a love note to the AFL, something which should be entered into marketing textbooks as an example of how to preserve value in the face of adversity.

The column gushes about Philadelphia Soul owner Jon Bon Jovi, full of passion for his beloved team, and starts with him willing them to prevail over the Georgia Force in their first game in the action-packed, don’t-miss-a-minute AFL season. By the way, have you purchased your AFL jerseys yet?

At one point a break goes against his team, and Bon Jovi responds with typical high-minded reserve: he flips off the referees. The gesture was caught by ESPN2 cameras, which broadcast it to the hundreds of family and friends of the players watching the game.

Santoloquito sets out to explain to us that that’s okay, because Bon Jovi “has a passion for the Arena League.” Bon Jovi has built up a model franchise, you see, the envy of the league, and we should expect him to be emotionally involved in the games. For his part, Bon Jovi later offered this explanation of his gesture:

"I didn't understand the ruling and [ESPN2 announcer Mike Greenberg] straightened it out for me after I flipped the bird. [Bergeron] did have possession. He did recover the ball. I reacted to something I didn't know the ruling of. The Georgia Force are a class act. I apologize for the middle finger thing. I didn't understand the rule. Simple as that. We'll be back next week."

Oh, well, that’s okay then. He flipped because he misunderstood the rule. It pretty much explains everything, doesn’t it? By this logic, Bon Jovi reserves the right to flip in the future. What sort of incidents warrant bird-flipping, in Bon Jovi’s estimation? Does he think the referees are purposefully trying to screw his team? As a reporter, Santoloquito doesn’t ask these question. I guess they didn’t occur to him.

We learn in this paean to Bon Jovi that he once bought his football team shoulder pads, he picked out the numbers for the cheerleaders, he cares for his team, and he’s got a fierce glare and wills his team to win. Read the article: I didn’t make any of those up.

Compare, if you will, this puff piece to the outcry against Michael Vick when he gave booing fans in Atlanta the same salute. Where was the explanation that Vick just wanted to win, was frustrated, was full of passion and vigor and just let fly without thinking? Not many places that I remember. I can’t fact-check, because the relevant articles have all disappeared into the ESPN server behind the “Insider” login, and I’m not an Insider. I did manage to find several articles ridiculing him, which I think is probably a more appropriate response. But I seem to remember one columnist (Woj? Hill?) criticizing him fiercely.

None of that from Santoloquito, who is wasting his talents writing about small-time miscreants like Jon Bon Jovi. He ought to be penning odes for truly vile characters, because he certainly shows a talent for it here.

I can’t imagine why the ESPN reaction would be so different to the two scenarios, but as chance would have it the Soul is also the same team that has Ron Jaworski, ESPN NFL analyst, as president. Also as chance would have it, the AFL is part owned by ESPN. And the ESPN.com AFL web page is currently playing host to webisodes about some Soul superfans as well, in another startling one-in-million stroke of luck. What a coincidence!

Santoloquito also makes sure to give us in passing the AFL Cavalcade of Stars. No, not the players, the owners:

While he is not the only famous face among the owners -- there's Tim McGraw in Nashville, John Elway in Denver, Mike Ditka in Chicago and Deion Sanders in Austin as well as NFL owners such as Jerry Jones (Dallas), Tom Benson (New Orleans), Bud Adams (Nashville) and Arthur Blank (Georgia) -- Bon Jovi undoubtably has the highest Q rating.

I suppose the referees should be honored to have been flipped off by the owner with the highest Q rating. Maybe they could make it part of the pregame show at every stadium, a forty-foot-tall Bon Jovi on the Jumbotron with the “Official’s Salute” right before the coin toss.

Look, I expect ESPN to be biased and to push hard to get the maximum return on their investment in the AFL. I would also expect them, with the resources of the ABC/Disney megalith behind them, to be just a little more subtle about it.

Bush to Appoint Tsar Czar

Confused by the proliferation of Czars throughout the US government, and worried about possible Royalist uprisings in the near future, President Bush today announced that he plans to appoint a Tsar Czar to control the proliferation of these experts.

In a White House press conference, he explained. “Listen, we’ve got drug czars, bioterrorism tsars, education czars, social security tsars, a proposed Iraq war czar, internet pron tsars, anti-bioterrorism czars, and immigration tsars. It’s too much for one person to keep track of. So what I need is a Tsar Czar, to better wrangle them up and control them.”

One of the areas of concentration will be clarification of the difference between a czar and a tsar. “It’s a little-known fact that this is a Russian word,” explained noted linguist Noam Chomsky. “And it’s little-known because most Americans are stupid, boorish creatures that need to be controlled by the intelligentsia. I look forward to us assimilating more Russian customs as time goes on.”

Barack Obama’s suit gave the Democratic response to the President’s news conference. “I just hope everybody knows that my first act as, hopefully, president will be to name a Hope Tsar, who hopefully will help restore hope to those who are hopeless. Oh, and I hope to be able to cancel Fox News, which I hope doesn’t air my comments to the bitter, hopeless people who watch it.”

Some Democrats were critical of the plan. Senator Ted Kennedy complained “I hear about tsar this, czar that, but nobody ever brings me any vodka back. It’s a shame.”

Nancy Pelosi criticized the administration for trying to draw attention away from its many scandals. “This is just another attempt for the president to appoint a scapegoat to blame without having to go through Congress, just like he did with Sam Fox or Alberto Gonzales. The constitution has appointed us gatekeepers to his staff, and he really should respect that.”

Asked about the constitution’s design for foreign affairs, Pelosi had no comment.

GGW Producer: I’m a journalist too!

Following the release of Josh Wolf, Girls Gone Wild producer Joe Francis today announced from jail that he was also a journalist and should be freed. Francis is in jail for contempt of court in Panama City, Florida, and has also been accused of soliciting underage girls to appear in his videos, drug and bribery charges, and tax evasion.

“I didn’t know that being a journalist gave you a license to do illegal stuff, so I never brought it up,” said Francis. “My real crime, if you want to call it that, is to be an outstanding journalist who publishes his own video newspaper on the spread of nakedness to college coeds. The big media saw me as a threat, so they used their cronies in the courts to have me locked up. Can I help it if I have a really good distribution system for my articles?”

Asked about the other allegations, Francis dismissed them as the work of an overzealous prosecutor. “The guys that are after me make Mike Nifong look like Jack McCoy, if that gives you any idea of their integrity. It’s all a pack of lies. But to make all this go away, I’m more than happy to post unedited footage to my website to get out of jail and give the feds free copies.”

VA Tech Thoughts

Thoughts and prayers to all the students and staff at Virginia Tech. Too serious a thing to be blogging light-heartedly without saying something.

Our trip to the Discount Zoo

Today, just to show what a good father I am, I took my kids to the Discount Zoo. Sure, it doesn't have all the fancy animals or big restaurants of a normal zoo, but the it's the kind of zoo experience that kids are sure to remember. How is the Discount Zoo different than the regular zoo?

Well, in the discount zoo the animals are always on exhibit and never hiding in their cage. (Hint: look closely at the rabbits)













You don't get the same top-notch statues that you might get at other zoos, like lions and tigers and bears. You get a clapped-out statue of a guy on a camel.













The animals aren't quite as exotic, or as active, as the animals in more traditional zoos.













Like many zoos, there's a slight animal mortality problem.














But a trip to the animal nursery always lifts the spirits of young and old alike. Just look at that cute baby walrus!













Unfortunately, since it's in a bad part of town there's a problem with pornographic billboards. I managed to shield the children's eyes from this filth, though.













(Editor's note: these are actual pictures from a zoo; bonus points for guessing which one!)

ESPN to 49 States: You Suck

Okay, it's really something less than 49 states, since not every one has a baseball team. But with their Week 2 power rankings of baseball teams, ESPN has "calculated" that the two NY teams are 1-2. It appears this is based on advanced statistical calculations, such as OBS, ROTFL and NYRULEZ, since neither team is at the top of their league and the Mets dropped 2-3 to the Braves, who have a better record to boot.

But don't worry, in true ESPN form they've insulted your intelligence with a weak disclaimer! Just read:

Believe it or not, a large faction of us here in Bristol, Conn., really don't believe New York or Boston is at the center of the baseball universe. Really.

Well, I certainly feel better. And they italicized two words, so sincerity just oozes through the formatting.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain with the vested interest in the Subway series and the much-beloved New York-Boston feud!

We can be sure that the list is correct, because it was from this website that we heard last year all about how the NL champion would surely fall in 4 games to the mighty AL champion in the World Series. So it's not like they could possibly miss something.

Will badmouth for traffic!

Following this graph posted by Bill Hobbes about traffic at Katherine Coble's website, and pursuant to my public and forestated goals, I would like it to be known that this blogspace is available to bad-mouth, slander, harass, libel, or otherwise disturb any prominent individuals who would be willing to publicly threaten and harass me in order to increase my traffic.

And as an added bonus, I am happy to provide the following "starter attacks" for you to choose from! Choose from such exciting, exotic character attacks as:

• Intimate relationship with a goat
• Stole money from a retirement community via rigged macarena contests
• Embezzled crack money from a children's charity
• Arrested in Wendy's parking lot driving naked
• Starting cult of personality
• Caught manscaping in public restroom (for men or women!)
• Was born a hermaphrodite
• Seal hunts without a license
• Real name is Jamie Rumpcheeks
• Caught cruising Piggly-Wiggly looking for discount prostitutes

And many, many more! Just send me an e-mail and I'll get to work on your personally written attack post today!

Tarantino to direct Scooby Doo meets Batman

As part of a continuing bid to educate filmgoers about the glory of the 1970’s and thus validate his recent flops, Quentin Tarantino agreed today to direct the R-Rated remake of seventies film classic “Scooby Doo Meets Batman.” Once again George Clooney will be stepping into the role of Batman, this time with everyone’s favorite crime-solving Great Dane by his side. The Scooby Doo gang have all agreed to return to their traditional roles, and Robin will be played by Topher Grace.

“I’ve got a lot of surprises in store for both franchises.” Tarantino promised. “I had to agree not to kill off any of the main Scooby Doo characters or Batman, but I did get producers to agree to that long-awaited Velma nude scene. And the forty-five minute torture scene of Robin is really going to be a first for modern films.”

The plot will be familiar to fans of Scooby Doo: while camping in the woods the gang comes across Batman and Robin as they search for the secret hideout of Joker and Penguin, who have abducted a scientist who has invented a flying suit. The Joker will be played by Tarantino favorite John Travolta, and in a ‘Get Shorty’ reunion Danny DeVito has agreed to reprise his portrayal of the Penguin. In a surprise addition to the story, John Leguizamo will provide the voice of Scooby’s nephew Scrappy.

In a slight departure from the original movie the scientist will be played by a woman, Halle Berry, who in the story has been surgically altered to have rockets instead of arms and can fire bullets from her eyeballs by picking her nose.

The studio said it was still searching for someone to play the breakdancing assassin after Samuel L. Jackson turned them down because of conflicts with his upcoming film, ‘Shaft 2: Shafting Talk Radio.’

TN Placement Firm Offers Seminar

Famed Tennessee placement firm KL Jirk Associates, hoping to capitalize on recent publicity about similar business practices, is offering a one-day seminar titled “Recruitment in the 21st Century: Innovations in Scamming.”

An outline of the topics to be covered:

Housewives and Nagging: Making it work for your business
Why keep a relationship between the job seeker and the recruiter professional? Be sure to involve the seeker’s spouse or significant other, particularly if it’s a housewife who doesn’t work. Because those uneducated housewives can be your best friend, nagging at their husband to make sure to meet your outrageous fee demands and take the first rotten job you find for them. Plus, a special sidebar on “Blogging Housewives: Bad Juju.”

Percentages and Wiggle Room: Perspectives on Promises
Have you ever gotten caught ‘promising’ to do something for a client? How embarrassing! This will help you to be sure to couch your statements in bland percentages, like “I’m ninety percent sure that…” and other such meaningless pap.

Hysterical Pitches: Going Beyond “It’s Tough Out There!”
Everybody knows that when unemployment is at rock bottom and skilled workers are commanding premiums, the job market tilts in favor of workers. So as a recruitment professional, you need a top-notch gloom and doom speech to get them to open up their wallets and fork over some cash to you.

Public Records and Fee Setting: A Practical Guide
Worried about leaving prospective client’s money on the table? Worry no more! We’ll show you where and how to look when it comes time to write up the prospective job-seeker’s bill.

A Look at Synonyms
Some would say scam, rip-off, and execrable thug. With our mastery of words, we’d say new business practices, opportunity, and “placement counselor”.

Legal Threats and Harassment of the Helpless: A Shyster’s Perspective
With special guest speaker Loady Panka of Thug and Balless Law Offices
Sometimes when you’re caught, scapegoating and blame-shifting just don’t work. That’s when it’s important to call in the legal heavy artillery and start threatening people until they do what you want. Because if there’s anything America loves, it’s a shady company that threatens the little guy with lawyers when they’re caught.

Be sure to sign up today! The fee for this valuable seminar is only $2500, with an additional “Lab Charge” equivalent to your latest tax return or inheritance receipt, whichever is larger.

Presented By:
KL Jirk Associates are renowned throughout the industry for their innovative billing, customer harassment, doom-mongering, manipulation, and poor judgment. They hope to set the standard for poor recruiter behavior.

Thug And Balless Law Offices has no professional ethics or decency, and are proud of their long history of dealing with corrupt businesses that are an embarrassment to the community.

Imus + Rocker = Pearlman

Once again ESPN.com exposes us to their columnist version of Gollum, hate-filled narcissist Jeff Pearlman. And once again Pearlman is radiating stupidity, leaving all who are exposed to his column just a little bit poorer for the experience.

Just to review, in the past Mr. Pearlman has:

written expansively (and poorly) about how he hates Barry Bonds (also available in paperback!).

written expansively (and poorly) about how he hates John Rocker (with pretty good reason, one might add).

written expansively (and poorly) about how athletes should stay out of politics, except for the ones who receive Pearlman’s “Good Thoughtkeeping” seal of approval (which devolves into a diatribe against Christians).

written expansively (and poorly) about how intolerant athletes are against gays (which again devolves into a diatribe against Christians).

Today we’re treated to an expansive (and poorly written) diatribe about how Bonds will cheapen the memory of Jackie Robinson by wearing #42 (which, surprisingly enough, does not devolve into a diatribe against Christians).

Leave aside the rich, post-Imus irony of a white guy telling a black guy how to honor the sacrifices of his black forerunners, and forget for a moment Pearlman’s concerted efforts to demonize Bonds, and consider the crux of Pearlman’s aggravation at Bonds wearing Robinson’s number:

Now in his 22nd major league season, Bonds' track record in areas of race and sports is, to be polite, abysmal.

Bonds hasn’t done enough, in Pearlman’s opinion, to help black people. No word on whether or not the other black ballplayers in MLB pass muster with Pearlman for their track records; one must assume that they do, since they are spared criticism.

As evidence of Bonds’ crimes against his race, Pearlman trots out only one piece of damning evidence: Bonds once (gasp! horror!) supported “ultra-Conservative” Republican Pete Wilson for governor of California.

But there’s no further proof from lazy Pearlman, only some anecdotal evidence that Bonds is, at worst, selfish and doesn’t help anybody. You could even call Bonds egalitarian in the way that he doesn’t let race impact his self-absorption and he blows off pretty much everybody regardless of age, race, or gender.

I’ll let Pearlman, in high dudgeon now, express his distress:

So, again, how does Bonds break the all-time home run record with a straight face? How can he speak of "the great Hank Aaron" (as he does) while doing everything in his power to expunge his name from the record books?

What would Hysterical J have him do? Stop short of the home run record out of respect? Barry Bonds passing Hank Aaron is no more an effort to “expunge his name” than when Aaron passed Ruth. We can degrade Bonds’ achievement because of the steroids issue, and that is a legitimate discussion. But that’s not the argument Pearlman makes! Pearlman’s argument is that Bonds hasn’t “earned” the honor of #42 by taking enough appropriate actions on behalf of other black athletes.

Bonds, to mercifully shorten Pearlman’s thesis, isn’t a good enough black person to wear Robinson’s number. I wonder what Jackie Robinson would have thought about that viewpoint, that there are black people who are worthy to honor him and those who aren’t? I wonder if there are any terms for this kind of thinking, perhaps one that starts with “R”?

Now let’s check out the third link above, where Pearlman weighs in on which group he feels is least qualified to lead society:

But when push comes to shove, no population in society is less qualified to guide voters than pro athletes. Not doctors, not lawyers, not garbagemen, dogcatchers, dishwashers, librarians, sportswriters -- no one. Unlike, say, normal people, America's professional sports stars reside in a universe that is pure Fantasy Island.

Pearlman is pillorying Bonds for not following Pearlman’s own advice! I think this is called a catch-22, but I’m not sure if that term is appropriate here. Rampant hypocrisy might fit better.

The fact is Pearlman doesn’t like Bonds, so he issues this denunciation with shotgun-precision insults designed to make us feel that Bonds is a loutish, awful brute. Bonds’ real crime, and the real crime for most of Pearlman’s targets, is that he disagrees with Pearlman. And this font of wisdom will not suffer disagreement lightly.

Which is what really irks me about Pearlman: a common theme is his grudge against athletes, Christians, Barry Bonds, Republicans, John Rocker, sportswriters, and a host of other inappropriate groups because they’re not tolerant enough. But Pearlman himself is an archetype of intolerance and bigotry through his habitual and reflexive anti-Christian slander. It’s in these thoughtless caricatures that Pearlman truly reveals the depth and wisdom of his soul.

Which is why it’s fitting that Pearlman is forever linked with Rocker. They share the same frame of mind, even if they don’t agree on some of the particulars.