Congressionalmania

My brother, who has never blogged in his life, scored tickets to be in the online gallery for the live premiere of the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show. So he’s decided to start up his own blog so he can weblog the event. Not only do mom and dad love him best, he’s an asshole.

Meanwhile, as per his great idea last week, I’m set to liveblog the Congressional Hearings on Professional Wrestling on C-Span. I guess after they reformed baseball they figure they can clean up the sewer of gutter trash and ‘roid-heads that is professional wrestling. I’ve got my TiVo ready so I can make sure I get the quotes right. This should be great. Not.

I hope Victoria’s Secret debuts the new Kathy Bates thong.

Liveblog of the April 14 Congressional Hearings on Professional Wrestling:

10:30 AM: I just realized that if it weren't for the word "Professional" this would be the CHOW hearings. Instead it's CHOPW. Way to screw up the acronym, Congress. Anyway this appears to be a mixed committee of Representitives and Senators, which I didn't even think they did. But apparently everybody wants to be seen grilling the steroid freaks of wrestling, because all the big names are in the room. Ted Kennedy, Pelosi, Lieberman, Waxman, Arlen Specter, and even Larry Craig. Huh, you'd think he might want to stay away from issues involving big, sweaty men engaged in homo-erotic grappling. Or maybe not.

10:50 AM: They finally got through the introductions of the panelists and witnesses. We’ve got some real “celebrities” here today. Did you know that Hulk Hogan is now balder than George Costanza? He’s almost as buff, too. What’s the point of this, again? Anybody who’s seen a Slim Jim commercial knows that Macho Man Randy Savage is strung out on ‘roids. It’s not a “yes/no” question, it’s a “how much” question.

11:03 AM: First question comes from Teddy Kennedy, who needs the early slot because he’ll be getting plastered at lunch. His question (and I’ll take out the numerous “Ah” and “er” and other stumbles to save space): “How is it that Randy Orton is able to purposefully disqualify himself in No Way Out 2008, lose the match, and yet retain his title? Don’t you think you owe it to fans to have meaningful penalties when competitors seek to game the rules?” What the hell? I guess Ted had lunch early today or something. For the first time ever Vince McMahon is speechless, as is his lawyer, who had doubtless expected a different line of questioning.

11:05 AM: Thirty-five minutes into it and we get our first reference to wrestling as a sport, with no laughter from the gallery. Speaking of which, how did these seedy crackpots get past security in the capitol?

11:06: Ted cuts off Vince, asking him if it’s reasonable that a person could lose a match but retain his championship. Waxman adds that he wants to know what the difference between the different championship belts is. But Vince doesn’t get a word out; instead Specter answers for him, telling the others that “we’re not here to determine how Wrestling structures its championship system, which is no more convoluted than the BCS.”

11:11 AM: Pelosi is drilling McMahon and asking if he thinks the WWE Divas are good role models for girls. “I find it commendable that they enter the ring to defend their allies, but don’t you think they deserve costumes that don’t fly apart and reveal their breasts to forty million people?” She draws a comparison to Janet Jackson more torturous than the final scene of Braveheart, but Specter jumps on her with both feet telling her this is Pay-Per-View and not subject to the FCC.

11:15 AM: Have you ever noticed that Pelosi looks like she’s wearing a Nancy Pelosi plastic mask? Kind of like Mike Myers and the William Shatner mask in Halloween, only Myers is more competent about his business. Still, there’s been about two minutes of silence as she and Specter glower at each other across the room.

11:16 AM: Vince McMahon tries to be the voice of reason and promises that “at the WWE we push the envelope, but always keep it within acceptable social norms.” When Vince freaking McMahon is the voice of reason, the crazy train is off the rails, my friends.

11:34 AM: Well, this is the one hour point, and we’re almost to the fourth question. My brother just text messaged me to tell me that VS has come out with a new “PermaWet” tight white T-Shirt for big-breasted women. I hope it’s modeled by Roseanne Barr.

11:41 AM: Lieberman has finally finished his soliloquy about how wrestling was more pure back when Gorgeous George wore the spandex armor or some such bullshit like that. He’s asking Hulk Hogan if he can explain why so many good guys “go bad” and admonishing Hulk for not telling more people about the pain of his own time on the dark side. I never thought I’d agree with the Kos Kidz, but Lieberman might actually be suffering from dementia.

11:45 AM: The Hulkster didn’t get much time to answer before Waxman asked about possible EEOC implications of McMahon’s “Kiss My Ass” club and forcing people to join it. Specter jumped all over that one too, saying that Wrestling is a right-to-work endeavor and that Congress has no right to restrict McMahon’s employee policies.

11:47 AM: I’m gonna have to get a transcript, because even after rewinding this thing like ten times I can’t tell if Waxman, in a question about whether McMahon had more or less power than a typical sports commissioner, just referred to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell as a Kleagle or a Weiner. It’s gotta be the latter, though, because Democrats never stoop to using racial epithets.

11:48: Fireworks just before lunch, as Pelosi is telling McMahon that wrestling is a monopoly and has abused its power and thus needs to be controlled. McMahon’s protesting he’s an entertainer, but nobody’s listening to him anymore. Specter is saying other wrestling corporations have existed in the past and will exist in the future and is railing about free markets.

11:50 AM: BAM! Pelosi gaveled Specter to silence: “I sincerely hope that the assorted representatives will begin taking their roles seriously and do the people’s business!” Specter is not happy about that!

11:58 AM: Took a quick break to vomit, try to hang myself. Unfortunately I couldn’t find enough rope to get the job done. I got another text message from my brother: “Crotchless Panties are in This Season!” Bastard. I hope all the models have crabs.

12:05 PM: Okay, I admit I fast forwarded through some shit, and now Lieberman’s sitting on the other side of the room next to Specter. And there’s a buxom young blonde standing behind Kennedy now and whispering in his ear. I hope she brought a swimsuit, because when you hang out with Kennedy you need to be ready to go swimming at a moment’s notice.

12:08 PM: They just held the first vote, on whether to grant immunity to witnesses, and Lieberman voted with the Republicans. Pelosi is seriously pissed off now, and she bangs the gavel down like she'd rather be slamming it into Lieberman's skull. At least this is more entertaining than hearing Vince McMahon try to dodge questions about steroids.

12:10 PM: Kennedy and Craig are in an argument now. They’re both on their feet staring each other down, and suddenly the woman (who Kennedy introduced as his campaign manager, Honey Thize) has ripped off her conservative business suit to reveal a sequined bunny outfit and is cavorting behind Kennedy, trying to distract Craig! It’s not working.

12:13 PM: I’ve gotta repeat this exchange word for word, with Kennedy’s accent in full bloom:

Kennedy: You, er, ah, want, ah, that Wrestling is, erm, teaching ah children that cheating is, ah, wrong?
Craig: I’ve always taken the position that-
Kennedy: We know all about your, erm, wide stances!
Craig: Drunken murderer!
Kennedy: Cahk hunting dee-vee-ant!

12:14 PM: I guess Kennedy won, since Craig sat down first. Then Kennedy kind of listed and had to have help from Honey to sit. It reminded me of the way the Titanic sank in the movie. Speaking of which, you know what the difference is between Ted Kennedy and the Titanic? When the Titanic went down people helped each other get out of the water.

12:25 PM: Ten minutes of my life I’ll never get back: hearing Henry Waxman excoriate Vince McMahon for the Floyd Mayweather/Big Show fight, where Mayweather won by using brass knuckles. I think Waxman said “scurrilous” thirty times.

12:28 PM: Finally, some action! Specter kept telling McMahon he didn’t have to answer, since the integrity of wrestling isn’t in question, until finally Pelosi gaveled him out of order. He was so mad he made a big show of getting up and leaving the hearing, strolling down the aisle like he was just daring anyone to say anything. I didn't realize Arlen Specter had a pimp stroll. Waxman then tried to make some kind of point about how wrestling was corrupting other sports, for some reason bringing up Pacman Jones. Lieberman tried to make a joke about boxing being the only "pristine" sport left, but Pelosi was having none of it. I think maybe he's dead to her, she wouldn't even say his name, just "the Senator".

12:35 PM: Pelosi takes a turn now, totally ignoring Larry Craig. She bores in on McMahon about wrestlers using hidden weapons in violation of "league rules" (her words - does wrestling even count as a "league"?) She asks the Rock about that, and you can tell he's trying to distance himself from all this as much as possible. He tries to make a joke about how his arms are lethal weapons, and Pelosi dresses him down for making light of the potential for serious injury. Then, and I swear this is true, she shows a montage of wrestlers using "weapons". Mostly folding chairs but a few chains, some brass knuckles, and one truly awesome scene where Ric Flair goes to town on some guy with a cheese grater. (I kid you not). Afterwards Pelosi demands of Flair to know how long the guy was in the hospital. He tries to tell her he didn't really hurt the guy, but Pelosi is all "What about the blood"?

12:42 PM: As a side note, watching Pelosi question Ric Flair on splitscreen was like watching Granny berating Jed on The Beverly Hillbillies.

12:45 PM: Okay, now this is getting weird: Arlen Specter is back, and he’s wearing a ski mask like he’s going to rob a bank. He’s slammed down a nameplate that says “Phil A. Buster” in front of him and is sitting there with his arms crossed, leaning back, just daring anybody to speak to him. I think they’re afraid to make eye contact, personally.

12:48 PM: I think Senator Buster’s getting pissed that Pelosi won’t recognize him. She won’t even look at him. This is high comedy. I don’t even care that my brother just sent me a text message that the models are now circulating in the crowd so that the journalists can experience their new line of Nipple Perfume.

12:50 PM: Waxman starts talking about health care coverage for injured wrestlers when his mike goes dead. Senator Buster has jumped up on the table with a bullhorn and is now raving at the crowd about how Wrestling is an American tradition, how George Washington would have been the first Heavyweight champion, and the Democrats are trying to ruin a piece of America because they’re not patriotic. He says if anybody stands against them, they’re going to get hit by the Flying Subpoena.

12:55 PM: Pelosi’s had enough and she calls in the guards to take Senator Buster away. There’s a scuffle, and Specter holds up pretty well against three guys. They wrestle him down, though, and Pelosi tells them to “reveal who the Masked Senator really is!” They do and

12:56 PM: OH MY GOD! That’s not Arlen Specter! It’s NFL washout Heath Shuler. WTF?! I can’t believe it! What is a Blue Dog Democrat doing in league with Arlen Specter? Has the world gone mad?

12:57 PM: Suddenly here’s Arlen Specter and Trent Lott and Ted Stevens, all rushing the stage. They’re grabbing for the gavel and shouting at Pelosi, and POW! She drops Stevens with a gavel right between the eyes. I don’t like Nancy Pelosi, but she just lived every American’s dream.

12:59 PM: Jack Murtha just came out of the crowd and knocked over Trent Lott! Specter’s got the gavel, but he’s also got a big cut across his forehead. Pelosi’s nowhere to be seen. The crowd is really going crazy, hooting like the audience at a bad new Fox comedy.

1:01 PM: Honey Thize and Larry Craig are going at it, and she’s ripped his shirt off and I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! LARRY CRAIG WEARS A PINK CORSET WITH PURPLE BOWS ON IT! I’m speechless. I’d say that no one will ever respect Larry Craig again, but that day had probably already come and gone.

1:02 PM: There is a God, because my brother just texted me saying that VS is also debuting their new line of transvestite nipple jewelry at the show, the Hairy Pit Collection. Advantage: Plebian!

1:04 PM: Waxman has pulled off Lott’s hairpiece and is trying to make him eat it. Pelosi is at the edge of the room, guarded by about four or five other representatives, and is saying that this fight isn’t finished. She’s calling for her supporters to come back over but

1:05 PM: OH MY GOD! LIEBERMAN JUST HIT TED KENNEDY WITH A FOLDING CHAIR!!!!! THE WHALE IS BEACHED! REAPEAT: THE WHALE IS BEACHED!

1:07 PM: Specter’s up on the table with the mic ranting about how “Now is the time for a new world order! We are the Master Debaters! All will serve us! Republicans and Democrats are no more! We are the Master….Debaters!” He screams the last part in a high-pitched voice while Heath Shuler is flexing down at his feet, the veins on his neck straining to burst.

1:08 PM: The screen just went black. Wow. Are all Congressional hearings that good?

Environmentalists: Zanns in a Janna world

You know what occurred to me the other day? Environmentalists are all just like the Wondertwin Zann. You remember him, the dickhead who was always sure that the key to defeating the giant alien monster was to transform into a bucket of water? Only numb-nuts never actually brought the bucket; he had to rely on Gleep to have one to catch his sorry ass before he went down the drain?

Similarly, environmentalists love to write these stories about how water levels will rise and we’ll all die in a giant tidal wave of doom unless we activate some utterly unworkable solution of dubious merit, like eradicating the world economy and forcing a massive human die-off.

Um, dipshits? Even if you’re correct (which I doubt), the water’s not going to come tomorrow. And as it comes, we’ll fix it. For example, there’s this fantastic new device called a dike that can be used to REPEL WATER!

I’ll grant you that it’s a technology in its infancy, having only been used about four centuries in the Netherlands, but using advanced computer models and giant government subsidies I’m sure we’ll come up with some stopgap applications to keep us all from drowning.

See, I’m a Janna at heart: I don’t care what the threat is, I figure if I transform into a Zorgonian Forty-Ton Laser Rhinoceros, I can at least severely wound it, if not outright kill it. If my dipshit tagalong thinks that a giant popsicle is the way to go; well, good luck with that, but don’t count on me transforming into a Pitonian Humming Beetle just because you suggested it.

The worst is the politicians, who are all Gleeps at heart: always causing trouble and helping dumbass Zann with his half-cocked schemes by carrying the bucket, or sticking their noses in to help him transform into something utterly useless.

The least you could all do is just get out of the way and let us Jannas go to work. If there’s a problem, we’ll fix it.

Or at least severely wound it.

ESPN looks up, finds nadir

In a piece for ESPN the Magazine on Barry Bonds, Bill Simmons drops this little boy in an aside:

the Smithsonian doesn't ignore nadirs in this country's history like slavery, Hiroshima or Vanilla Ice.

Cheers for using the word “nadir.” I would have guessed that no ESPN writers even knew what the world meant, much less that they could correctly use it in a sentence.

Jeers for his choice of nadirs beyond slavery. Did none of the editors (if there are any) at ESPN.com think to point out that maybe Hiroshima was not considered by a plurality of Americans to be a nadir? Or is this groupthing at its finest? 200+ years, and he comes up with Hiroshima?

If he wanted a bombing, couldn’t he have at least picked Nagasaki? As the descendant of someone who fought in the Pacific in World War 2, I’m kind of glad that we didn’t lose hundreds of thousands more soldiers in the island hopping campaign, perhaps including my grandfather, which perhaps means I wouldn’t have been born.

And Vanilla Ice? He broke the rap color barrier and allowed white rappers to flourish, like Eminem and, uh, all those other guys. Where we would we be today without him? In a much poorer place.

Leatherhead Writers Demand Credit

The screenwriters for box-office turd Leatherheads filed a petition with the Writers Guild of America today demanding that the credits be updated to show the contributions of everyone involved.

“If you saw Leatherhead today you’d think it was written by Duncan Brantley and Rick Reilly,” an attorney for the two said in a statement in Variety. “But in reality George Clooney wrote this piece of dreck. All he kept from my clients was the title and character names. Everything else is all his, and they want that to be reflected.”

While the WGA considers the case, the two have taken the rare step of requesting that the film’s distributor, Universal, change the writing credit for the screenplay to Alan Smithee in solidarity with Clooney.

“It’s unacceptable that he’s not getting top billing,” said a statement. “In fact, he should get sole billing for this unique movie. We don’t want any of the credit at all. None. The more we think about it, the more sure we are that we didn’t write it, either. We think probably our names got put on it by mistake. Yeah, that’s the ticket!”

MLB Forecast

Good news, gambling derelicts everywhere! I have figured out how the MLB season will end. That’s right, it’s time for a RIDICULOUSLY EARLY SEASON FORECAST!

AL East
Even though the Orioles are currently in first place, they will tank in the second half of the season like they always do. So this Baltimore team, like so many others before them, is a mirage. You know, they ought to change their name to the Baltimore Mirage. Or does that sound like a seedy strip club? They are owned by Peter Angelos, who is a lot like that weird guy in the back of the strip club who never tips the dancers and keeps his hands in his pockets the whole night…

This division will be won by the Red Sox, with the Yankees in second place taking a Wild Card bid, just as God, ESPN, and the cosmos demand.

AL Central
Stick a fork in the Tigers, they’re done. You don’t lose six games in a row and come back to win it all, that’s for sure. It’ll be a two-way death match between the White Sox and the Indians to see who gets to lose to the Red Sox in the first round of the playoffs.

I’m aware that Kansas is 4-2. With some luck they might just double that win total by July 4th.

AL West
There’s only one team (Los Angeles of Anaheim) with a winning record in this putrid division of stinking, festering, garbage-heap teams. So you can forget about them for the rest of the year.

If these teams were any good they’d play east of the Mississippi. Whoever wins here will end up losing to the all-mighty Yankees in the Playoffs, setting up the inevitable Red Sox-Yankees showdown for THE FATE OF THE ENTIRE BASEBALL UNIVERSE!!!

You will be riveted to your televisions, pursuant to Federal Law.

NL East
The Mets are just laying low, lulling the other teams into a sense of false security before they roar ahead midyear, make several foolish acquisitions just before the deadline, and then fade from the top in late September. Just like every year!

But Florida’s hovering at 3-3, a sure sign that a surprise World Series win/team dismemberment is on the horizon.

NL Central
No longer does the stench of failure and stale beer haunt Milwaukee, my friends: that 5-1 record is the sign of success! This team will surely roll to a first-round playoff loss and all the fan joy that such a failure entails.

Accompanying them as Wild Card will be the nigh-unstoppable Chicago Cubs, since Bud Selig will rig the season and the playoffs to eliminate the last “curse” from his sport. Rampant steroids and out of control spending? Much less important than making Chicago fans feel better about themselves. Much less important, indeed.

NL West
Here’s an idea: why not take every “West” team and spin them off into their own baseball league, called The League of Suck? All these teams suck, right? Don’t let those gaudy records in Arizona and Los Angeles fool you; once they have to play real teams in New York, they’ll start folding like a Laundromat.

I’m sure the Giants, led by slugger Barry Bonds, will come back to capture this division. What’s that, you say? Bonds doesn’t play for the Giants? Not yet, he doesn’t.

[Update: Fred at Real Debate points out that my earlier gag on the Brewers doesn't work because they went to the series in 82. So I had to change it. Now this post is dead to me!]

Enough is Enough

It is time for us to stop pretending that we’re not at war and get serious about ending the most dangerous threat ever to face our great nation. We’ve shrugged off attack after attack on our military and our civilian infrastructure, and the only thing our tolerance has brought us is more hatred.

That’s right: it’s time to destroy all the animals. We can no longer turn the other cheek and listen to the mealy-mouthed liberals who want to let them take our way of life from us.

We’ve known this day was coming since the day that a deranged rabbit tried to kill President Carter. I don’t care how incompetent the president is, I don’t want some scraggly-assed savage taking shots at him without experiencing extreme retribution.

Fortunately Carter managed to escape the bucktoothed agent of death, but can we take a chance that our other elected officials will be so lucky? In India, the deputy mayor of Delhi was killed by wild monkeys. Our clear impotence at their outrageous attacks on our key allies only emboldens them further.

Worse, some traitors in the US try to foist upon us that these animals are peaceful, or even worse, scarce! In a recent holiday, rabbits were portrayed as pink, fluffy, candy-leaving agents of world peace. In reality, they are hissing, buck-toothed assassins who want to tear your throat out and eat your children.

These savages know no bounds or decency: in Boston a schoolgirl is savagely attacked by an angry hawk, which tried to pull her brain out of her head in front of horrified classmates. And it is not only the children who are at risk: just last year a beaver attacked an elderly grandmother who was swimming with her children, probably for impropriety.

How long will we ignore polar bear attacks on our submarine fleets, squirrels disrupting the mail system, and crocodiles stopped only by alert citizen intervention?

It has come down to us against them, their teeth gnashing for our blood. And Ted Turner is already on their side!

Some might tell you that this is a problem that can be solved by law and order; well, I remind you that the guards are often the first victim, as jailers in San Francisco and China found out recently.

We need to get serious about this and vote to secure our great nation from these dangerous animals. If congress would just divert 1% of the funding from their secret project to develop a mind control chemical to add to Coco-Puffs, then we could develop a bomb that preferentially destroys animals but leaves structures and humans intact.

That would go a long way towards cleaning out the real hell holes around the world, like Yellowstone National Park, where ordinary people can’t walk in the open for fear of being trampled to death by arrogant, smelly buffalo who don’t even bother to learn the rules of the road and end up smashing your car for $2,500 in damage that your insurance won’t cover just because you had a few drinks at the lodge.

So this November, while other parties fret about overseas wars and illegal aliens, vote for the candidate who best understands the challenges that face us here in America right now:

Vote Fudd: He'll Get those Wascally Wabbits

Superdelegates Close to Revolt

Several Democratic Superdelegates are in near-revolt today and have told chairman Howard Dean that they are not happy with the way the convention is shaping up.

“We were expecting a couple of days of partying and goofing off,” said one. “Instead we’ve got all this pressure to choose the next president. And Eliot Spitzer promised to take us on a fact-finding mission in Denver’s red-light district, but now that’s not going to happen.”

Several superdelegates were also concerned about the recent arrest of Tom Athans. “My wife wasn’t going to be coming along to the convention, and I was looking forward to meeting some of Tom’s Big Beaver friends,” said one horny superdelegate. “What am I going to do now?”

Many superdelegates had hoped that they would be serving in a purely ceremonial role and are nervous about finding themselves center stage and charting the future of the Democratic party.

“I have an invitation to go on a tour of national parks at 11 PM from one of the campaigns,” said a Superdelegate. “I don’t know what the hell that is all about, but it doesn’t sound good. If these two are both still campaigning in August, I’m fleeing the country.”

Thus Spake Zarathustra

As it turns out, I have a connection to a powerful political oracle. He’s also my brother, but he’s been positively Delphic in his predictions this campaign season, his most recent triumph being accurately forecasting Clinton’s phoenix-like rise from the ashes of the Texas/Ohio primaries.

So without any hesitation at all I post his thoughts on the future of the Democratic bloodbath:

-Hillary will only leave the race when she’s sure she can’t win, regardless of how many emasculated party elders call on her to go (this means you, Howard Dean)

-Hillary wins big in Pennsylvania

-Of the 10 remaining contests, Clinton wins between 5 and 7 of them; Obama wins no more than 3, and there are between 0 and 3 more-or-less ties

-Superdelgates are sweating in their shorts and being intimidated by both camps. Direct quote: “Who do we think is better at intimidation and bullying? The Audacious Hope or Our Lady of Perpetual Scheming?”

-If it’s close after the primaries, expect Hillary to pull out her trump card: the Florida and Michigan delegations. Again I’ll quote the oracle directly: “Surely she can beat up Howard Dean until he comes up with a "compromise" that seeks to avoid "disenfranchising" voters and just so happens to give her more delegates than Obama. Maybe even just enough to put her over the top.”

He ends with this nugget of wisdom, which quite frankly seems prescient to me:

“That's my current analysis. Everything could change tomorrow, naturally, with another pastor problem for Obama or more delusions of snipers from Hillary. Which is of course the reason Hillary should definitely *not* drop out. If Obama flames out even worse next week and she's dropped out where would the Democrats be?”

Obama is one Dean scream or Monkey Business moment from being dead in the water, and Clinton’d be a fool to pass up the opportunity to capitalize on it by dropping out now. This is actually sterling advice from my brother, who is slightly to the right of Captain America.

Which is why the Democrats will certainly not heed it: it’s too sensible.

NY Schools to drop Journalism

The New York State Department of Education today announced that it was discontinuing its journalism at all levels, saying that further teaching of this archaic skill would “not being the best interests of our students.”

A spokeswoman for the Department of Education said in a press conference that “Continuing to teach journalism would be like having buggy whip repair courses in the twenties. It’s time to relegate journalism to museums, where it belongs, and concentrate on teaching children the three R’s: responsibility to the environment, respect for other cultures, and raunchy sex videos.”

The New York Times blasted the move in an editorial, calling it “a near-fatal blow to the dream of socialism in the United States.”

Among a poll of students, four out of five admitted that they didn’t read newspapers, although one in four did say that they had purchased a newspaper within the last year. 80% of those purchasing papers also owned pets kept in cages, with the other 20% saying that they were buying the paper for an elderly relative.

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer said “I wish they’d done away with journalism about ten years ago.”

Morons in the Mist

Recently I joined up in the ever-growing Ace of Spades army of morons (it’s like an army of Davids, only with more swearing). I am proud to be a member of this illustrious organization, which requires that you ask somebody to add you to a list in order to join.

In a nakedly transparent attempt at link-whoring, I’m going to try to study and explain this gaggle of morons, like Jane Goodall with the gorillas. Only I expect to get a little more poo flung at me than she did.

Today I start by examining the reading level of this moron army. On this site, you can find the reading level of your blog. I tapped in the URLs of the 75 AoS morons as of March 30th and found the following statistics:

1) The average reading level is between Junior High and High School.

2) Generalissimo Ace has a Junior High rating. In many countries this would mean he’s ready to seize power in a bloody coup: Junior-High education, lots of moronic followers, and tons of unrequited rage. Here in America, though, he’s forced to stoop to hobo hunting and swilling down Valu-Rite vodka to dull his white-hot rage at disenfranchisement.

3) There are three idiot-savant blogs among us rated as Geniuses, who may or may not need their moron cards now revoked:

Atheistica
ConChrist
D Equals S

Which brings to mind this age-old question: if an atheist and a Christian got in a fight, who would win? Well, if there was pudding and bikinis involved, we all would.

4) We are also joined by 14 Elementary School level blogs. One of those is Steamboat McGoo, which has the delightful habit of linking to porn at the end of each post.

I don’t know what Elementary School the widget is thinking of, but porn wasn’t a staple of my education until well into High School. Except that time in sixth grade when a friend of mine swiped the Sears catalog and we spent all day looking at the bra ads.

Ah, good times.

I forget; what was the point of this post again?

Oh, yeah: I’m a moron.