As you know, my goal is to climb the blog evolutionary ladder from my current level of Insignificant Microbe all the way up to Higher Being. It’s kind of like Pokémon, only with less violence and I’m not nearly as cute.
So today I checked my status on TTLB Ecosystem, the resource for Internet blog popularity. Of the 60,428 blogs in the ecosystem, I am at number 47,133. I’m quite proud of myself: I’m already higher than over 20% of the blogs in the ecosystem! Let’s just see who my neighbors are, shall we?
At 47,134 we have Armchair Activism, run by a self-proclaimed adult ADD sufferer undergoing a pre-midlife crisis given to rambling incoherence, whose last posted over a year ago and labels his site as “under construction”. So I’ve edged out that guy, but just barely. Not a good sign.
At 47,132 we have The Daily Tubber, a site dedicated to claw tub repair and wholesale coupons, which last posted a map of celebrity homes on January 10. I’m losing out to a claw tub repair/free coupon site run by some “dot org” celebrity stalker? Excuse me while I go drown myself in my non-claw tub now.
Far up the list, at 44,364, I saw Danica Patrick Nude Racing Hottie. How could I ever hope to pass her, the naked racing legend herself, if I can’t even get separation from a claw tub fancier and an ADD sufferer?
So please, help me out here. Throw me a few links, introduce a few friends, or something to at least get me out from between ADD and claw tubs up into the more respectable part of the ecosystem with the naked NASCAR chick.
Thank you.
Friday, April 6, 2007
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Leo Warns NASA on Mars Rover
Leonardo DiCaprio today warned NASA about its Mars rover, responding to several news stories regarding Martian global warming. His comments came at a red-carpet event in Lilles, France, where he and other jet-set celebrities had traveled for the third-annual Environmental Responsibility in Film Awards. DiCaprio was being presented a Lifetime Achievement Award for his work in promoting environmental welfare.
“It’s not enough to think just about our planet,” The boyish-faced actor, best known for his stirring work in the movie The Beach, told the assembled throng. “Right now there’s a NASA Humvee driving around Mars stirring up dust and adding CO2 and other pollutants into the Martian atmosphere. Did you know that the surface temperature of Mars has risen almost two degrees over the past two decades? Did you care?”
DiCaprio went on to criticize the United States for what he called forty years of interstellar pollution. “The moon landing, if it happened, is a good example of our environmental insustainability. Three or four Americans go up to the moon, emit a bunch of CO2, dump garbage everywhere, and then leave. I saw the Wallace Gromit documentary on moon pollution and it showed old stoves and other junk that had been left up there. It’s a national disgrace.”
His most critical remarks, however, were pointed at NASA scientists over their Mars rover. “Here’s this group of geeks tearing up Mars in their nuclear SUVs, making their canals run dry, melting their polar ice caps, and using our tax dollars to do it! They could have at least landed a Prius on Mars to show them that we really cared about their environment.”
“It’s not enough to think just about our planet,” The boyish-faced actor, best known for his stirring work in the movie The Beach, told the assembled throng. “Right now there’s a NASA Humvee driving around Mars stirring up dust and adding CO2 and other pollutants into the Martian atmosphere. Did you know that the surface temperature of Mars has risen almost two degrees over the past two decades? Did you care?”
DiCaprio went on to criticize the United States for what he called forty years of interstellar pollution. “The moon landing, if it happened, is a good example of our environmental insustainability. Three or four Americans go up to the moon, emit a bunch of CO2, dump garbage everywhere, and then leave. I saw the Wallace Gromit documentary on moon pollution and it showed old stoves and other junk that had been left up there. It’s a national disgrace.”
His most critical remarks, however, were pointed at NASA scientists over their Mars rover. “Here’s this group of geeks tearing up Mars in their nuclear SUVs, making their canals run dry, melting their polar ice caps, and using our tax dollars to do it! They could have at least landed a Prius on Mars to show them that we really cared about their environment.”
Students Shot During Yale Sympathy Protest
Two Houston University students were injured this afternoon during a solidarity protest over the arrest of three Yale students yesterday for burning the American flag. The students were shot by an area homeowner while on in his back yard trying to light a pair of American flag boxers on fire, which had been left to dry on the clothesline.
“I was in my den watching the late news when I heard some rustling out back,” said homeowner Sam Crockett. “I figured it was burglars or something, so I grabbed my gun and saw those two fiddling around with my laundry. So I shot ‘em.”
No damage was reported to the boxers, which were still wet. The students were reported in stable condition at Houston Baptist Hospital. Police expected to file charges against them for trespass and attempted arson.
Local assistant district attorney Roy Bean said he didn’t expect to bring any charges against Crockett. “Listen, in Connecticut they might let ignorant teenagers set the front of their house on fire, but down here in Texas we don’t stand for that sort of thing. You think I care if a couple of hippies get winged trying to burn Old Glory? Even on skivvies that's a sacred symbol.”
“I was in my den watching the late news when I heard some rustling out back,” said homeowner Sam Crockett. “I figured it was burglars or something, so I grabbed my gun and saw those two fiddling around with my laundry. So I shot ‘em.”
No damage was reported to the boxers, which were still wet. The students were reported in stable condition at Houston Baptist Hospital. Police expected to file charges against them for trespass and attempted arson.
Local assistant district attorney Roy Bean said he didn’t expect to bring any charges against Crockett. “Listen, in Connecticut they might let ignorant teenagers set the front of their house on fire, but down here in Texas we don’t stand for that sort of thing. You think I care if a couple of hippies get winged trying to burn Old Glory? Even on skivvies that's a sacred symbol.”
Disgraced Intern: My Life Has Not Gone as Planned
40-year-old former National Archives intern Denning McTague said today from prison that “my life has not gone as I planned” and admitted to making “a few errors in judgment.”
An upcoming Barbara Walters special will air an interview of McTague, where he is expected to cry and explain that his own incompetence led to stealing several pieces of Civil War memorabilia and selling them on E-Bay.
“I think the biggest sign that I have misspent my life is that I’m a forty-year-old unpaid intern.” He admitted to Walters. “Over twenty years of adult life, and all I could do was get a job designed for either a sixteen-year-old or somebody sentenced to community service? It’s pathetic.”
Walters asked him what he regretted the most: “It has to be that I sold the items on E-Bay. What was I thinking? I should have used Yahoo! Auction. Nobody ever goes there, so I’d never have been found out.”
The interview is part of a Barbara Walters special report titled “Interns Gone Wild: How Our Government’s Lowest-Paid Employees are Ruining America.”
An upcoming Barbara Walters special will air an interview of McTague, where he is expected to cry and explain that his own incompetence led to stealing several pieces of Civil War memorabilia and selling them on E-Bay.
“I think the biggest sign that I have misspent my life is that I’m a forty-year-old unpaid intern.” He admitted to Walters. “Over twenty years of adult life, and all I could do was get a job designed for either a sixteen-year-old or somebody sentenced to community service? It’s pathetic.”
Walters asked him what he regretted the most: “It has to be that I sold the items on E-Bay. What was I thinking? I should have used Yahoo! Auction. Nobody ever goes there, so I’d never have been found out.”
The interview is part of a Barbara Walters special report titled “Interns Gone Wild: How Our Government’s Lowest-Paid Employees are Ruining America.”
FBI Priority List
We live in dangerous times, but fortunately the FBI is there to protect us. Judging from recent headlines and events, we can conclude that the FBI’s top 10 priority list looks something like this:
1) Searching for Jimmy Hoffa
2) Violate the Patriot act
3) Assist England in Princess Diana death probe
4) Discredit the Bush administration
5) Devise new and interesting ways to help the Department of Homeland Security humiliate passengers
6) Listening in on congressional page wiretaps
7) Write up uniform guidelines on which groups are acceptable terrorist proxies in school drills
8) 24-hour surveillance on Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton
9) Leak classified information to the NY Times
10) Find the Lindburgh Baby
1) Searching for Jimmy Hoffa
2) Violate the Patriot act
3) Assist England in Princess Diana death probe
4) Discredit the Bush administration
5) Devise new and interesting ways to help the Department of Homeland Security humiliate passengers
6) Listening in on congressional page wiretaps
7) Write up uniform guidelines on which groups are acceptable terrorist proxies in school drills
8) 24-hour surveillance on Brittany Spears and Paris Hilton
9) Leak classified information to the NY Times
10) Find the Lindburgh Baby
Mathematician Predicts Yankees Win 110 Games, Kerry Wood Injury
I see that a mathematician has predicted 110 victories for the Yankees. In addition, he forecasts the following predictions for the rest of the major leagues:
- AL East: New York Yankees
- AL Central: Cleveland IndiansAL West: Los Angeles Angels
- AL wildcard: either the Boston Red Sox, the Toronto Blue Jays or the Minnesota Twins
- NL East: New York Mets
- NL Central: close race between the Houston Astros and the St. Louis Cardinals
- NL West: San Diego Padres
- NL wildcard: Philadelphia Phillies
As proof, he says that his predictions have been “more right than wrong over five years,” and backs it up by presenting absolutely nothing at all. Wouldn’t you love to be able to say that you were “more right than wrong” and leave it at that? That sort of reasoning will stand you well in almost any situation.
Boss: “Your mistake cost us six hundred million dollars.”
Employee: “To be fair, I was more right than wrong.”
Boss: “Oh, then that’s okay.”
I have a prediction of my own: he will be totally incorrect and his predictions laughably inaccurate.
Why do scientists continue to do this? Why does the press continue to report on it? At the Olympics two years ago we were offered up a similar smorgasboard of medal predictions, all with predictably terrible results. I dredged up the study, found here (if you scroll down), that illustrates the folly of trying to predict sporting events.
The two closest ones were way off for everybody except the US and Russia. Pricewaterhouse embarrassed themselves by claiming that their advanced model took into factors too numerous to count, then were way off on almost every country. SI did okay but not great. All of them would have done better by simply forecasting that the same medal totals from Sydney would occur in Athens. I guess sometimes past results do predict future performance.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Congressional Duck Wins Bipartisan Approval
The city is still abuzz with talk of a medal-winning duck that has spent the last few weeks sitting on a makeshift nest in front of the treasury department. The duck arrived during the night, laid her eggs, and has since become a must-see destination for tourists and lawmakers alike. Several members of congress and visiting heads of state have visited the duck, which is described as being very congenial and not at all ‘gamey’ by tourists.
It was widely reported that the duck thwarted an assassination attempt against the sub-assistant to the vice-president of the Meat Advisory Council when it bit one attacker on the thumb and kicked the gun from the hand of another, but this report later turned out to be untrue, as medical reviews showed no duck bites on either assailant. Still, people have marveled at the duck’s courage and fortitude as it sat in the temperature-controlled, glass-covered opening adjacent to the Treasury building.
The so-called ‘congressional duck’ has already been awarded a Congressional Medal of Honor, and plans are in the works for a monument honoring this brave mallard. Rep. Mick Blabberbutt (D-Idaho) said “The courage and fortitude of this duck, sitting on a nest of eggs built on top of a steaming pile of compost, has really shown what Washington is all about.” Senator Ned Hamhock (R-Wyoming) said “Sometimes I lose my faith in humanity, but then I think about the bravery of that duck, and I remember why I spent six and a half million dollars to win the election last year.”
What’s next for this heroic migratory bird? Probably a long flight south. “When it gets cold again, she’ll probably leave.” Said one teary-eyed official. “And this city will lose a little part of itself.”
It was widely reported that the duck thwarted an assassination attempt against the sub-assistant to the vice-president of the Meat Advisory Council when it bit one attacker on the thumb and kicked the gun from the hand of another, but this report later turned out to be untrue, as medical reviews showed no duck bites on either assailant. Still, people have marveled at the duck’s courage and fortitude as it sat in the temperature-controlled, glass-covered opening adjacent to the Treasury building.
The so-called ‘congressional duck’ has already been awarded a Congressional Medal of Honor, and plans are in the works for a monument honoring this brave mallard. Rep. Mick Blabberbutt (D-Idaho) said “The courage and fortitude of this duck, sitting on a nest of eggs built on top of a steaming pile of compost, has really shown what Washington is all about.” Senator Ned Hamhock (R-Wyoming) said “Sometimes I lose my faith in humanity, but then I think about the bravery of that duck, and I remember why I spent six and a half million dollars to win the election last year.”
What’s next for this heroic migratory bird? Probably a long flight south. “When it gets cold again, she’ll probably leave.” Said one teary-eyed official. “And this city will lose a little part of itself.”
Madame Rita's Discount Horoscope
Aries (3/21-4/19): One word for you: caramel. You know what I’m talking about, you pervert.
Taurus (4/20-5/20): Trouble with underwear awaits you far from your loved ones.
Gemini (5/21-6/21): For a change this month, don’t be a raving asshole to everyone you meet, Ken.
Cancer (6/22-7/22): I’m sorry, but the diagnosis was positive. I mean negative. I mean, whichever one you didn’t want, yours is that. The one you don’t want, I mean. Not the other one. I mean, if you were testing for something, and positive meant you had it, then your test was positive. If you were talking about ‘is the prognosis positive or negative’ and negative meant bad, then you got negative. So whatever test it is that you had that you’re going to get the result of, you’re going to get the result that you didn’t want to get, not the other result. Do you understand what I mean? Anyway, you’re going to die. Your luck number is 14.
Leo (7/23-8/22): Don’t go to the zoo this month. You don’t want to know why; let’s just say it has to do with panda mating season and a weak door hinge.
Virgo (8/23-9/22): This might finally be the month that you manage to go all the way.
Libra (9/23-10/22): Everything else being equal, it’d balance. That, and stay away from rectangles and irregular dodecahedrons.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21): That monkey meat you ate yesterday had a parasitic egg in it that’s gonna make you sick for 24 to 48 hours. You say you didn’t eat monkey meat? That’s what you think.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21): She doesn’t really love you, that guy is her boyfriend and not her brother, she did steal that money, that’s a VD mark and not a birthmark, that wasn’t really your baby, it’s going to burn when you pee until you see a doctor, and your lucky number is 22.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19): Storm clouds are on the horizon when a loved one admits that they have genital herpes. Don’t eat anything purple.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18): Bikini wax is not your friend this month. Try shaving instead. Knuckle hair is in your future.
Pisces (2/19-3/20): That smell is not coming from your star sign. Try washing with soap next time.
Taurus (4/20-5/20): Trouble with underwear awaits you far from your loved ones.
Gemini (5/21-6/21): For a change this month, don’t be a raving asshole to everyone you meet, Ken.
Cancer (6/22-7/22): I’m sorry, but the diagnosis was positive. I mean negative. I mean, whichever one you didn’t want, yours is that. The one you don’t want, I mean. Not the other one. I mean, if you were testing for something, and positive meant you had it, then your test was positive. If you were talking about ‘is the prognosis positive or negative’ and negative meant bad, then you got negative. So whatever test it is that you had that you’re going to get the result of, you’re going to get the result that you didn’t want to get, not the other result. Do you understand what I mean? Anyway, you’re going to die. Your luck number is 14.
Leo (7/23-8/22): Don’t go to the zoo this month. You don’t want to know why; let’s just say it has to do with panda mating season and a weak door hinge.
Virgo (8/23-9/22): This might finally be the month that you manage to go all the way.
Libra (9/23-10/22): Everything else being equal, it’d balance. That, and stay away from rectangles and irregular dodecahedrons.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21): That monkey meat you ate yesterday had a parasitic egg in it that’s gonna make you sick for 24 to 48 hours. You say you didn’t eat monkey meat? That’s what you think.
Sagittarius (11/22-12/21): She doesn’t really love you, that guy is her boyfriend and not her brother, she did steal that money, that’s a VD mark and not a birthmark, that wasn’t really your baby, it’s going to burn when you pee until you see a doctor, and your lucky number is 22.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19): Storm clouds are on the horizon when a loved one admits that they have genital herpes. Don’t eat anything purple.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18): Bikini wax is not your friend this month. Try shaving instead. Knuckle hair is in your future.
Pisces (2/19-3/20): That smell is not coming from your star sign. Try washing with soap next time.
Dictionary Publisher Apologizes, Recalls Tainted Work
PeoplePowerPress today recalled millions of copies of its “Standard Thesaurus and Universal People’s Dictionary”, announcing that problems in editing the innovative new reference book had led to scores of errors, libels, and omissions in the work, the most famous of which were a photograph of the 110th congress next to the entry for the word “Incompetent” and a photograph of President Bush next to the word “Asshole”.
The company said through a press release that “We tried to launch something that was new, innovative, and creative in the way that it applied language as people actually speak it, instead of the way that dictionary publishers wish that we spoke it. Unfortunately, due to some pranks and less-than-ethical behavior by our editors, we were stung by the ‘Wikipedia Effect.’ We will correct these errors and have the book on the shelves by the time the new school year starts up this Fall.”
The dictionary was hailed in late 2005 as a triumph of ‘Reverse Engineering’ from what Internet sites like Wikipedia do, where scores of online editors review the thousands of articles and snippets added by users of content. PeoplePowerPresss, or PPP, had used a similar approach, asking for open submissions of word definitions that would then be verified and edited by a select team of professionals.
Unfortunately the company that PPP hired to do the editing, Tollingham-Rodgers Omnimedia Limited Liability Services, outsourced the work to college freshmen who did the bulk of reading and verifying the entries. The workforce, composed mostly of English majors and other liberal arts degrees, was blamed by Tollingham-Rodgers for the raft of misspellings and inflammatory statements.
In addition to omitting all words beginning with Q or R in the dictionary, everything for the letters M and T appeared to have been directly photocopied from a different dictionary. Other tampered entries highlighted by PPP include:
automaton: someone who works in the automobile industry
cacofonus: any music made before 1995
solder: somebody too stupid to go to college and too smart to be a criminal
utopia: Canada, where medicine is free, drugs are plentiful, and girls are easy
zebra: those guys who screw up every football game
The two sides are currently in the beginning of what promises to be a lengthy litigation, with each side blaming the other for ultimately releasing the troubled work. Fifty thousand of the dictionaries were sold, and are likely to become valuable collector’s items.
The company said through a press release that “We tried to launch something that was new, innovative, and creative in the way that it applied language as people actually speak it, instead of the way that dictionary publishers wish that we spoke it. Unfortunately, due to some pranks and less-than-ethical behavior by our editors, we were stung by the ‘Wikipedia Effect.’ We will correct these errors and have the book on the shelves by the time the new school year starts up this Fall.”
The dictionary was hailed in late 2005 as a triumph of ‘Reverse Engineering’ from what Internet sites like Wikipedia do, where scores of online editors review the thousands of articles and snippets added by users of content. PeoplePowerPresss, or PPP, had used a similar approach, asking for open submissions of word definitions that would then be verified and edited by a select team of professionals.
Unfortunately the company that PPP hired to do the editing, Tollingham-Rodgers Omnimedia Limited Liability Services, outsourced the work to college freshmen who did the bulk of reading and verifying the entries. The workforce, composed mostly of English majors and other liberal arts degrees, was blamed by Tollingham-Rodgers for the raft of misspellings and inflammatory statements.
In addition to omitting all words beginning with Q or R in the dictionary, everything for the letters M and T appeared to have been directly photocopied from a different dictionary. Other tampered entries highlighted by PPP include:
automaton: someone who works in the automobile industry
cacofonus: any music made before 1995
solder: somebody too stupid to go to college and too smart to be a criminal
utopia: Canada, where medicine is free, drugs are plentiful, and girls are easy
zebra: those guys who screw up every football game
The two sides are currently in the beginning of what promises to be a lengthy litigation, with each side blaming the other for ultimately releasing the troubled work. Fifty thousand of the dictionaries were sold, and are likely to become valuable collector’s items.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Fun with Math, sports salary edition
According to this report on Bud Selig's salary, he pulled down 14.5 million in salary and benefits, out of a total payroll for MLB of 77.3 million dollars.
What's interesting is they list top salaries of other high-ranking MLB employees, and also state the number of MLB employees as 231. They list the numbers for the NFL also (payroll of 41.5 million to 839 employees). Let's do some math:
MLB Average: 334,632 per employee
MLB without honchos: 52 million between 225 employees: 231,111 per employee
Okay, MLB has umpires, and they make a decent amount of money. Typically, you read that your cash salary is half of your what the company pays for you, so we can say that the average MLB employee makes 115,000 per year cash, with MLB paying another 115,000 in benefits, etc.
Now onto the NFL Average: 49,463 per employee
Can this be right? The average pay is something like 25,000 cash? If we presume that the NFL pays a similar percentage of its base salary to its chief officers (so 67% of salary split among 97% of the employees) then the total compensation is a paltry 34,200 per employee. Take-home pay is around 17,000 per head, then. The average US Salary is something like 25,000. Can this possibly be correct? Does the NFL really pay so little? What exactly do they hire these people to do, and why don't they go do it elsewhere for more money?
The NFL: Top-notch entertainment at rock bottom prices!
What's interesting is they list top salaries of other high-ranking MLB employees, and also state the number of MLB employees as 231. They list the numbers for the NFL also (payroll of 41.5 million to 839 employees). Let's do some math:
MLB Average: 334,632 per employee
MLB without honchos: 52 million between 225 employees: 231,111 per employee
Okay, MLB has umpires, and they make a decent amount of money. Typically, you read that your cash salary is half of your what the company pays for you, so we can say that the average MLB employee makes 115,000 per year cash, with MLB paying another 115,000 in benefits, etc.
Now onto the NFL Average: 49,463 per employee
Can this be right? The average pay is something like 25,000 cash? If we presume that the NFL pays a similar percentage of its base salary to its chief officers (so 67% of salary split among 97% of the employees) then the total compensation is a paltry 34,200 per employee. Take-home pay is around 17,000 per head, then. The average US Salary is something like 25,000. Can this possibly be correct? Does the NFL really pay so little? What exactly do they hire these people to do, and why don't they go do it elsewhere for more money?
The NFL: Top-notch entertainment at rock bottom prices!
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