I have no doubt that the talk-show hosts who are paying the salaries of their workers out-of-pocket while they’re laid off are good people. Their hearts are in the right place. Were I in their place, I’d likely do the same thing.
But I ask you: is it morally required that the hosts do this? Is it even advisable?
One the one hand, the host makes the most money on the show and is ostensibly the boss. So I can understand where he would feel an ethical prerogative to pay his staff while they cannot work through no fault of their own.
On the other hand, it’s not the host’s fault that the writers went on strike either. It’s the writers who are forcing the rest of the crew to be unable to work; is the writers’ union contributing anything to these people? I doubt it.
And I would guess that most of those now laid off are union workers themselves. What is their union contributing from the strike funds to these people in a show of solidarity for the writers? Likely nothing, since unions like to collect dues but rarely part with them.
You could argue that the talk-show hosts would be better off letting their employees suffer, and using it as leverage to force the writers back. They could say “Listen, it’s not me refusing to work, it’s the writers. I’d be happy to film the show without a monologue, but the writers say that’s morally wrong. So you get laid off because the writers won’t work and won’t let me do partial work to keep you compensated and the company won’t pay you just to sit around. If the writers agree, we can work without scripts and still turn out a show, but they want you to be out of work.”
That kind of robs the writers of their ethical high horse, doesn’t it?
Of course, it would never get covered like that. The tone of the coverage is that any host who doesn’t pay the salaries of his employees, from his own pocket, is some kind of scrooge or an ogre who is tossing his loyal employees to the curb at Holiday-time. I think that’s kind of unfair, personally, and reflects the entrenched union mentality of the newspaper business (which bleeds over into online coverage of the strike).
I can’t see how the host is any more obligated to support these people than the writers are. And I would be willing to listen to arguments that he has no moral obligation to support them at all.
Showing posts with label television. Show all posts
Showing posts with label television. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Monday, December 3, 2007
The Simpson’s Vanishing Point
I used to love the Simpsons. I can quote large parts of dialogue and routinely defeat all comers at Simpsons trivia. But I must admit: I haven’t watched The Simpsons in several years, and what little I’ve seen has acted like methadone to keep me from needing a Simpsons fix any more.
Why is that? I’ll tell you why: because The Simpsons sucks now. Really, really sucks. It’s just not funny. Before you argue, I submit three pieces of evidence that the Simpsons sucks:
1) Celebrities voice themselves
It’s one thing to use a guest voice because you like its sound (Dustin Hoffman as Lisa’s substitute), or because it fits into the story (Michael Jackson as the voice for a fat mental patient who thinks he’s Michael Jackson ). It’s quite another to use a celebrity voice because you want to use a celebrity (The Who, Michelle Pfeiffer, Alec Baldwin, George Clooney, et al).
Now it’s like a revolving door of getting famous ‘names’ and having them appear on the Simpsons as themselves, meaning that they have to come up with ever-more-elaborate reasons to have Homer and the gang meet a celebrity. And of course, the celebrities want to plunk for their favorite cause, so we have to suffer through interminable “message” shows. The Simpsons of the early 90’s would never have stooped so low; of the late aughts they can’t get enough of this tired premise.
When did the Flintstones start to suck? When they stuck “-rock” after every celebrities’ name and paraded them through Bedrock. When did The Beverly Hillbillies start to suck? When they started to parade celebrity after celebrity through the mansion.
It’s an old sign of the suckness disease, and the Simpsons have got a rash of it all over.
2) Ceaseless repetition of uninteresting characters
In early Simpsons, we had the main characters, and then a group of people around Springfiled who either showed up a lot (Lionel Hutz, Moe the Bartender, etc) or very rarely when their particular niche was called for (the sea captain, the judge, Fat Tony, etc). Their use was always funny, and rarely did the story absolutely hinge on them.
Now they’re shoving second-tier characters down our throats constantly as a makeup for the lack of clever gags and social commentary. And they’re terrible, one-shot, pathetic characters, like the stupid Krusty look-alike boy from the wharf, or loser Gil (funny once; after that a lot less funny), or Frank Grimes and his son Frank Grimes Jr, neither of whom should ever have appeared in a show of The Simpsons’ caliber.
Lionel Hutz wasn’t used because they needed to fill time, he was used because they needed a lawyer and he was their caricature of a lawyer. Gil is used because they need to fill thirty seconds at the car dealership, so they stick in a “loser” gag. And it’s not funny.
And please don’t get me started on Disco Stu, who should have been limited to his singular appearance at Homer’s yard sale (okay, two with Disco Stu’s disco record sales franchise).
3) Whole shows built around one gag
Lately it seems that at writer’s meetings (if the Simpsons still has writers), they sit around and when they think they have a good joke, they cobble an entire episode around it just to get to the gag. The joke is typically not funny, but they can’t tell anymore.
Best example? The incredibly poor “The Blunder Years” episode, where the entire poorly-carried-off and unfunny episode (a sort of parody of Stand By Me, only less funny than the original) is structured for the following joke:
Mr. Burns: I’m sorry I told you your father was killed by Amazon women. I hope it didn’t scar you for life.
Smithers: I’m sure it didn’t.
A-ha-ha. Nothing like a tortured joke about Smithers’ questionable sexuality to validate an otherwise poor episode!
Why is that? I’ll tell you why: because The Simpsons sucks now. Really, really sucks. It’s just not funny. Before you argue, I submit three pieces of evidence that the Simpsons sucks:
1) Celebrities voice themselves
It’s one thing to use a guest voice because you like its sound (Dustin Hoffman as Lisa’s substitute), or because it fits into the story (Michael Jackson as the voice for a fat mental patient who thinks he’s Michael Jackson ). It’s quite another to use a celebrity voice because you want to use a celebrity (The Who, Michelle Pfeiffer, Alec Baldwin, George Clooney, et al).
Now it’s like a revolving door of getting famous ‘names’ and having them appear on the Simpsons as themselves, meaning that they have to come up with ever-more-elaborate reasons to have Homer and the gang meet a celebrity. And of course, the celebrities want to plunk for their favorite cause, so we have to suffer through interminable “message” shows. The Simpsons of the early 90’s would never have stooped so low; of the late aughts they can’t get enough of this tired premise.
When did the Flintstones start to suck? When they stuck “-rock” after every celebrities’ name and paraded them through Bedrock. When did The Beverly Hillbillies start to suck? When they started to parade celebrity after celebrity through the mansion.
It’s an old sign of the suckness disease, and the Simpsons have got a rash of it all over.
2) Ceaseless repetition of uninteresting characters
In early Simpsons, we had the main characters, and then a group of people around Springfiled who either showed up a lot (Lionel Hutz, Moe the Bartender, etc) or very rarely when their particular niche was called for (the sea captain, the judge, Fat Tony, etc). Their use was always funny, and rarely did the story absolutely hinge on them.
Now they’re shoving second-tier characters down our throats constantly as a makeup for the lack of clever gags and social commentary. And they’re terrible, one-shot, pathetic characters, like the stupid Krusty look-alike boy from the wharf, or loser Gil (funny once; after that a lot less funny), or Frank Grimes and his son Frank Grimes Jr, neither of whom should ever have appeared in a show of The Simpsons’ caliber.
Lionel Hutz wasn’t used because they needed to fill time, he was used because they needed a lawyer and he was their caricature of a lawyer. Gil is used because they need to fill thirty seconds at the car dealership, so they stick in a “loser” gag. And it’s not funny.
And please don’t get me started on Disco Stu, who should have been limited to his singular appearance at Homer’s yard sale (okay, two with Disco Stu’s disco record sales franchise).
3) Whole shows built around one gag
Lately it seems that at writer’s meetings (if the Simpsons still has writers), they sit around and when they think they have a good joke, they cobble an entire episode around it just to get to the gag. The joke is typically not funny, but they can’t tell anymore.
Best example? The incredibly poor “The Blunder Years” episode, where the entire poorly-carried-off and unfunny episode (a sort of parody of Stand By Me, only less funny than the original) is structured for the following joke:
Mr. Burns: I’m sorry I told you your father was killed by Amazon women. I hope it didn’t scar you for life.
Smithers: I’m sure it didn’t.
A-ha-ha. Nothing like a tortured joke about Smithers’ questionable sexuality to validate an otherwise poor episode!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Just Add Musical Guest
I’m sure that you’re all starved for those late-night monologue jokes that spew forth from Jay, Dave, and the rest. So here are a few of them just to get you through the day, as a free service from your Daily Dollop.
Just add drum shots, eyebrow waggles, bad accent, and incredibly large chins as necessary to make these work:
‘The new Batman movie filming in Hong Kong had to cancel shooting the other day because the harbor was too polluted for Christian Bale to jump into. They were afraid that he was gonna get sick. See, the night before Britney Spears had been skinny dipping there, and they didn’t know might still be crawling around in the water.”
“A lot of talk over the weekend about Katie Holmes running in the New York marathon, then appearing hours later in high heels with Tom Cruise. It was really amazing. Did you see the picture of the two of them? I’ll tell you what's impressive: I didn’t realize any woman alive could wear high heels and not tower over Cruise. But what's even more impressive is that after running for 5 hours in the marathon she didn't fall asleep in Lions for Lambs. That's better than anybody else who's seen it could do.”
“Have you seen pictures of this little girl in India who was born with 8 limbs? Doctors say that she’s got a conjoined twin attached to her, and they’re doing operations now to separate the two in hopes that she can live a normal life. Some people are angry about that, because they think she’s a reincarnation of the Hindu goddess Kali. Security around the hospital is really tight, not because of the angry Hindus, but because they’re afraid that Madonna is going to try to come adopt her.”
“Anybody going to go see the new movie Beowulf, or did you get enough of that in High School English class? What if I told you that Angelina Jolie will appear naked in it, covered only with gold paint? It’s just a computer-animated version of her, but apparently they ‘body-mapped’ her and used that to generate a lifelike animation of her. I should have been a cartographer. Anyways, Jolie said she was pretty shy about appearing naked in the movie, since she doesn’t have much experience with nude scenes. I mean, other than her appearances in Foxfire, Pushing Tin, Gia, and Original Sin. Other than that she’s practically a virgin. Evidently, she’s much more comfortable French-kissing her brother in public and wearing vials of blood than having a computer replica of herself appear naked on screen. I can understand that”
“Good news for ‘Dog’ the bounty hunter: he isn’t going to be extradited to Mexico for kidnapping charges after all. But now the bad news: his show got cancelled after his son sold a tape to the Enquirer where Dog used a racial slur to describe the son’s girlfriend. Should be a great holiday season in the Dog house, huh?”
“Bizarre incident a couple of days ago involve Shia LeBeouf, who is costarring with Harrison Ford in the new Indiana Jones movie. He was arrested for trespassing after refusing to leave a drug store. It’s another sad story where a child actor has gotten hooked on drugs by the adult performers on set. Apparently, he was sneaking some of Ford’s Geritol, and now that shooting is over he has been patrolling Walgreens looking for his fix of Selenium.”
“Some happy celebrity news, as Christina Aguilera finally confirmed that she’s pregnant. I’ll give her two pieces of advice: don’t ask Britney Spears for child-raising tips, and don’t ask Milla Jovovich about possible baby names. Ever.”
“Big news from MSNBC, where Rosie O’Donnell is in negotiations to appear on her own talk show. Apparently they don’t lose enough money on Keith Olbermann, so they want to bring in a less eloquent, stupider, female version of him to lose money in another time slot also.”
“Today’s election day in a few states, and two really interesting races are in Mississippi and Kentucky. In Mississippi the two guys are quoting scripture at each other trying to prove they’re more biblical than the other guy. Apparently they’ve confused Mississippi for Iran. In Kentucky, the governor has posted the ten commandments in the state Capitol the day before the election in a bid to overcome a corruption scandal. It’s a little weird, though, because instead of ‘Thou shalt not steal’ it says ‘Thou shalt not vote Democrat.’ I don’t remember that one from Sunday school, though.”
Up next, we’ve got an interview with an empty-headed star pimping their latest terrible movie. Stay tuned!
Just add drum shots, eyebrow waggles, bad accent, and incredibly large chins as necessary to make these work:
‘The new Batman movie filming in Hong Kong had to cancel shooting the other day because the harbor was too polluted for Christian Bale to jump into. They were afraid that he was gonna get sick. See, the night before Britney Spears had been skinny dipping there, and they didn’t know might still be crawling around in the water.”
“A lot of talk over the weekend about Katie Holmes running in the New York marathon, then appearing hours later in high heels with Tom Cruise. It was really amazing. Did you see the picture of the two of them? I’ll tell you what's impressive: I didn’t realize any woman alive could wear high heels and not tower over Cruise. But what's even more impressive is that after running for 5 hours in the marathon she didn't fall asleep in Lions for Lambs. That's better than anybody else who's seen it could do.”
“Have you seen pictures of this little girl in India who was born with 8 limbs? Doctors say that she’s got a conjoined twin attached to her, and they’re doing operations now to separate the two in hopes that she can live a normal life. Some people are angry about that, because they think she’s a reincarnation of the Hindu goddess Kali. Security around the hospital is really tight, not because of the angry Hindus, but because they’re afraid that Madonna is going to try to come adopt her.”
“Anybody going to go see the new movie Beowulf, or did you get enough of that in High School English class? What if I told you that Angelina Jolie will appear naked in it, covered only with gold paint? It’s just a computer-animated version of her, but apparently they ‘body-mapped’ her and used that to generate a lifelike animation of her. I should have been a cartographer. Anyways, Jolie said she was pretty shy about appearing naked in the movie, since she doesn’t have much experience with nude scenes. I mean, other than her appearances in Foxfire, Pushing Tin, Gia, and Original Sin. Other than that she’s practically a virgin. Evidently, she’s much more comfortable French-kissing her brother in public and wearing vials of blood than having a computer replica of herself appear naked on screen. I can understand that”
“Good news for ‘Dog’ the bounty hunter: he isn’t going to be extradited to Mexico for kidnapping charges after all. But now the bad news: his show got cancelled after his son sold a tape to the Enquirer where Dog used a racial slur to describe the son’s girlfriend. Should be a great holiday season in the Dog house, huh?”
“Bizarre incident a couple of days ago involve Shia LeBeouf, who is costarring with Harrison Ford in the new Indiana Jones movie. He was arrested for trespassing after refusing to leave a drug store. It’s another sad story where a child actor has gotten hooked on drugs by the adult performers on set. Apparently, he was sneaking some of Ford’s Geritol, and now that shooting is over he has been patrolling Walgreens looking for his fix of Selenium.”
“Some happy celebrity news, as Christina Aguilera finally confirmed that she’s pregnant. I’ll give her two pieces of advice: don’t ask Britney Spears for child-raising tips, and don’t ask Milla Jovovich about possible baby names. Ever.”
“Big news from MSNBC, where Rosie O’Donnell is in negotiations to appear on her own talk show. Apparently they don’t lose enough money on Keith Olbermann, so they want to bring in a less eloquent, stupider, female version of him to lose money in another time slot also.”
“Today’s election day in a few states, and two really interesting races are in Mississippi and Kentucky. In Mississippi the two guys are quoting scripture at each other trying to prove they’re more biblical than the other guy. Apparently they’ve confused Mississippi for Iran. In Kentucky, the governor has posted the ten commandments in the state Capitol the day before the election in a bid to overcome a corruption scandal. It’s a little weird, though, because instead of ‘Thou shalt not steal’ it says ‘Thou shalt not vote Democrat.’ I don’t remember that one from Sunday school, though.”
Up next, we’ve got an interview with an empty-headed star pimping their latest terrible movie. Stay tuned!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
If absolute power corrupts absolutely...
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, then we can be sure that petty power makes petty dictators.
How else could you explain the sad saga of Ellen Degeneres' dog and the morons at Mutts and Moms who seized the dog because it got passed off to another home?
It's behavior like this that makes people reluctant to try to adopt animals and pass judgment by this latter-day Inquisition about whether or not they're "good enough" to adopt a homeless animal.
Look at it from the animal's perspective, Mutts and Morons: either a home or being put to death. You're pushing the gas chamber why, exactly?
How else could you explain the sad saga of Ellen Degeneres' dog and the morons at Mutts and Moms who seized the dog because it got passed off to another home?
It's behavior like this that makes people reluctant to try to adopt animals and pass judgment by this latter-day Inquisition about whether or not they're "good enough" to adopt a homeless animal.
Look at it from the animal's perspective, Mutts and Morons: either a home or being put to death. You're pushing the gas chamber why, exactly?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Penal Reform
Ed Driscoll's recent post about Hollywood's dearth of good ideas got me thinking, and I believe I’ve had a brilliant idea to save television, perpetuate the cult of celebrity, and totally reform the penal process all at the same time. I call it the Narcissus Memorial Celebrity Prison and TV Complex.
What I envision is this: a maximum-security complex full of the latest high-tech recording devices to incarcerate celebrity felons. We can mix both the dastardly (Phil Spector) with the demented (OJ Simpson) and the dumb (Paris Hilton).
Every week producers will put together a highlight show, called “Celebrity Prison Break”, and throughout the series voters will regularly be able to vote for “Parole” for those celebrity inmates who are eligible. All proceeds from the show will be used to fund our nation’s prisons.
A special internet version will also be available to watch “live updates” of the day’s action, not unlike Big Brother.
Why will people tune in? The real question is, how could they not?
Can you imagine the high comedy of OJ Simpson sharing a cell with Pacman Jones, both of them lamenting how the NFL has discriminated against them?
What about the weekly prison AA meeting, where Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton both try to out-vamp each other to the camera in order to get paroled early? It’ll be the most panty-less rehab program you’ve ever seen!
Imagine Arlen Specter trying to fabricate a shiv so he can get revenge against some perceived slight by a female inmate, only to discover that she can kick his ass?
What about the rapper posse (Li’l Wayne, Sug Knight, Snoop Dog, et al) roaming the prison and pushing everybody else around because they’re the only ones with “street cred”?
And guest-starring as our official Prison Lawyer: disgraced former DA Mike Nifong!
It’s reality TV at its best: unscripted, desperate people struggling for both freedom and a return to fame. It’d be like watching Kathy Griffin mud-wrestle Rosie O’Donnell for 10 minutes of air time, only with more attractive women who aren’t nearly as insane.
You could even have special celebrity wardens! Who wouldn’t like to see R. Lee Ermey berating David Faustino (Married with Children) and Jason Wahler (Laguna Beach) until they both were reduced to blubbering morons? What about a special counseling session by Dr. Phil?
And imagine the rock groups that could do prison reunions, where one or two members come visit the rest serving drug, weapon, or tax evasion charges.
This show would have it all: Survivor meets Oz meets Prison Break meets Real Life meets Big Brother.
What I envision is this: a maximum-security complex full of the latest high-tech recording devices to incarcerate celebrity felons. We can mix both the dastardly (Phil Spector) with the demented (OJ Simpson) and the dumb (Paris Hilton).
Every week producers will put together a highlight show, called “Celebrity Prison Break”, and throughout the series voters will regularly be able to vote for “Parole” for those celebrity inmates who are eligible. All proceeds from the show will be used to fund our nation’s prisons.
A special internet version will also be available to watch “live updates” of the day’s action, not unlike Big Brother.
Why will people tune in? The real question is, how could they not?
Can you imagine the high comedy of OJ Simpson sharing a cell with Pacman Jones, both of them lamenting how the NFL has discriminated against them?
What about the weekly prison AA meeting, where Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton both try to out-vamp each other to the camera in order to get paroled early? It’ll be the most panty-less rehab program you’ve ever seen!
Imagine Arlen Specter trying to fabricate a shiv so he can get revenge against some perceived slight by a female inmate, only to discover that she can kick his ass?
What about the rapper posse (Li’l Wayne, Sug Knight, Snoop Dog, et al) roaming the prison and pushing everybody else around because they’re the only ones with “street cred”?
And guest-starring as our official Prison Lawyer: disgraced former DA Mike Nifong!
It’s reality TV at its best: unscripted, desperate people struggling for both freedom and a return to fame. It’d be like watching Kathy Griffin mud-wrestle Rosie O’Donnell for 10 minutes of air time, only with more attractive women who aren’t nearly as insane.
You could even have special celebrity wardens! Who wouldn’t like to see R. Lee Ermey berating David Faustino (Married with Children) and Jason Wahler (Laguna Beach) until they both were reduced to blubbering morons? What about a special counseling session by Dr. Phil?
And imagine the rock groups that could do prison reunions, where one or two members come visit the rest serving drug, weapon, or tax evasion charges.
This show would have it all: Survivor meets Oz meets Prison Break meets Real Life meets Big Brother.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Schadenfreude: It Does a Body Good
If coffee is the fuel of business, then schadenfreude must be the fuel that drives Hollywood. Case in point: Britney Spears. How else can we explain the inexplicably joyous tone to so many of the rundowns of her disastrous comeback at the VMA? What else could explain the jubilant tone of critics who are waiting for the next Britney disaster? Are their lives so hollow they have to kick her when she’s down?
One need look no farther than the charming host of the MTV music awards, Sarah Silverman, to find this more perfectly illuminated. When we last saw Ms. Silverman at the MTV Movie Awards, she was telling Paris Hilton about “special arrangements” that the prison had made for her. Everybody got a big laugh, except for Paris herself (who was in the audience).
Last night, after Spears’ performance at the VMA, Silverman got big yuks with:
(Side note: Silverman’s career in Hollywood isn’t much to brag about so far: fired from SNL, several bit parts in various comedies, her own show that’ll get cancelled next year, and of course her current role as Jimmy Kimmel’s mattress. Who knows from whence her venom drips, except to chalk it up to jealousy or a personal failing on her part.)
I don’t understand the daggers-out mentality that seems to pervade show-business performers. It’s one thing for night-show hosts to be cracking wise about Hollywood disaster cases; that’s what they’re paid for, after all. It’s quite another to be ridiculing them to their face and have an auditorium full of their peers chortling right along with you. Have these people no sense of decency?
I’ve never spectacularly failed in front of millions before, but I’d hope that if I did one of my co-workers (or at least one of my so-called friends) might try to help me out instead of taking the opportunity to get a few digs in. I guess as long as Britney was making out with Madonna and stripping with snakes, she was cool. Once that’s over, it’s time to throw tomatoes. Are these clods so un-self-aware that they don’t see their own fate writ large in Britney Spears?
Can they be so dense?
So for those of you out there who lust after fame and fortune in Hollywood, I would caution you that despite their claims at being somehow better than the rest of us, it seems that “outsiders” aren’t exactly welcome there and your first stumble may be your last. Just keep that in mind.
And if you run into Sarah Silverman, spit on her once for me.
One need look no farther than the charming host of the MTV music awards, Sarah Silverman, to find this more perfectly illuminated. When we last saw Ms. Silverman at the MTV Movie Awards, she was telling Paris Hilton about “special arrangements” that the prison had made for her. Everybody got a big laugh, except for Paris herself (who was in the audience).
Last night, after Spears’ performance at the VMA, Silverman got big yuks with:
“Wasn’t that incredible? Britney Spears, everyone. Wow. She is amazing. She is 25-years-old and she’s already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life. It’s mind blowing.”Can you feel the love tonight? But it gets better! Not content to have her go at Spears, Silverman took a jab at Spears’ children:
“Have you seen Britney’s kids? Oh my god, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see! They are as cute as the hairless vagina they came out of.”Was Silverman hoping to coax Spears into hanging herself in her dressing room? I know this is MTV, but that’s a little much even for them.
(Side note: Silverman’s career in Hollywood isn’t much to brag about so far: fired from SNL, several bit parts in various comedies, her own show that’ll get cancelled next year, and of course her current role as Jimmy Kimmel’s mattress. Who knows from whence her venom drips, except to chalk it up to jealousy or a personal failing on her part.)
I don’t understand the daggers-out mentality that seems to pervade show-business performers. It’s one thing for night-show hosts to be cracking wise about Hollywood disaster cases; that’s what they’re paid for, after all. It’s quite another to be ridiculing them to their face and have an auditorium full of their peers chortling right along with you. Have these people no sense of decency?
I’ve never spectacularly failed in front of millions before, but I’d hope that if I did one of my co-workers (or at least one of my so-called friends) might try to help me out instead of taking the opportunity to get a few digs in. I guess as long as Britney was making out with Madonna and stripping with snakes, she was cool. Once that’s over, it’s time to throw tomatoes. Are these clods so un-self-aware that they don’t see their own fate writ large in Britney Spears?
Can they be so dense?
So for those of you out there who lust after fame and fortune in Hollywood, I would caution you that despite their claims at being somehow better than the rest of us, it seems that “outsiders” aren’t exactly welcome there and your first stumble may be your last. Just keep that in mind.
And if you run into Sarah Silverman, spit on her once for me.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Why not child brothels, too?
I had a crazy friend once who explained to me that every pro sport was rigged by mobsters in Vegas and they controlled games to make money on their gambling operations. That’s why he was a hockey fan, because the money there was too low for it to be interesting for Vegas and it was the only “pure” sport.
He also used to predict that soon the US would legalize child porn. In short, he was nuts, and I used to tell him that. Nice guy so long as you didn’t discuss sports, politics, or pornography.
But then I read CBS corporate jackass Nina Tassler’s comments about Kid Nation:
Child labor and welfare laws were born out of the desire to end child prostitution. The end of child miners and garment workers was just a happy side effect of this practice. Ultimately, our entire system of child welfare revolves around the idea that children may not be exploited regardless of what the parents and the children want!!
And now idiots like CBS and head piece-of-shit Nina Tassler want to “stir public debate” so they can “change the landscape of television” because it’s “good that we’re talking.”
I’ll tell you what, Nina Asshole: you go live in a country where child sex slavery is a hot topic of discussion. Me, I think I’ll pass.
He also used to predict that soon the US would legalize child porn. In short, he was nuts, and I used to tell him that. Nice guy so long as you didn’t discuss sports, politics, or pornography.
But then I read CBS corporate jackass Nina Tassler’s comments about Kid Nation:
"To really get out there and change the landscape of television, you have to sort of stir public debate," Tassler told the assembled press. "We know we're going to create some controversy. We know people are going to be talking, (and) it's good that we're talking."Talking about what, exactly? Child-labor laws? Exploitation? What is it that she’s pushing for, exactly? It’s this kind of thinking that eventually leads us to child prostitutes. No, really, I’m serious.
Child labor and welfare laws were born out of the desire to end child prostitution. The end of child miners and garment workers was just a happy side effect of this practice. Ultimately, our entire system of child welfare revolves around the idea that children may not be exploited regardless of what the parents and the children want!!
And now idiots like CBS and head piece-of-shit Nina Tassler want to “stir public debate” so they can “change the landscape of television” because it’s “good that we’re talking.”
I’ll tell you what, Nina Asshole: you go live in a country where child sex slavery is a hot topic of discussion. Me, I think I’ll pass.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Can’t-Miss TV: Survivor: China
It’s sure to be nothing but action and excitement this season as an all-new Survivor debuts, ten times more dangerous that any before! It’s all the action and intrigue that you’ve come to love from Survivor, with an added twist of long-term personal danger!
In addition to the typical dangers from exposure, exhaustion, and all manner of stinging bugs and strange plants, this season’s Survivor will have some twists that highlight the mysteries and wonders of China:
In addition to the typical dangers from exposure, exhaustion, and all manner of stinging bugs and strange plants, this season’s Survivor will have some twists that highlight the mysteries and wonders of China:
- In the Toy Factory Job challenge two teams will be forced to work in a modern, high-tech Chinese toy factory. They’ll have to pick up the intricacies of using a tiny paintbrush and lead-based paint to detail Polly Pocket jackets quickly, though, because the team that turns out the fewest toys will have to sleep in the asbestos-laden factory, which will still be humming with 10-to-12-year-olds cranking out other Fisher-Price favorites all night long.
- A special “luxury item” will be a plastic-sealed fork manufactured in Portland, Oregon. Other contestants will be eating with recycled chopsticks like Chinese diners.
- In a deal with the Chinese Dental Association, contestants this season will make and use their own toothbrushes with Chinese toothpaste’s revolutionary secret ingredient (methylethyldeath) to demonstrate its incredible efficiency at literally melting away tooth decay.
- Unlike previous editions of Survivor, the castaways will not have to hunt for every meal. Instead, traditional Chinese delicacies such as mercury-laden Tuna and slightly poisonous meat paste will be on offer. Out-of-date vegetables will be a staple of stronger-stomached contestants.
- For the losers of some challenges, only pesticide-laced pet food will be available for them to eat. Authorities ensure them that death is unlikely but kidney damage is probable if they consume it. Do they dare?
- Sleeping beds and tents will be made from the revolutionary Chinese “Spontaneously Combusting Children’s Pajama Costumes.” Contestants will have to sew them together themselves with tetanus-laced needles.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Kid Nation: I told you so
Way back in May, I said this about the CBS show Kid Nation:
Today, we find out that some of the parents are suing CBS and the show did, apparently, violate child labor laws. Once again your Daily Dollop proves its mettle as the premiere source of uninformed news and opinion.
Bottom line to the stupid parents: it's your freaking job to protect your children from child exploiters, not to complain about the terms the exploiters offer you. If a creepy guy in a raincoat shows up and asks to spend a few hours alone with your son or daughter in exchange for a hundred bucks, you don't haggle. You throw the bastard out on his ear, preferably after removing some dangling appendages.
Why must this be explained to some people? Someone thought letting their 8-year-old go off into the desert with no adult supervision was a good idea?
Reality Shows Demonstrating Poor Judgment:
Kid Nation: I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that they found at least 40 families willing to let their 8 to 15-year-olds be exploited on-camera for 40 days to help boost CBS’ ratings. Is this unsettling to anybody else? Are there no child labor laws in New Mexico? Does anybody really believe these kids are left "alone" in a New Mexico ghost town? If this show isn’t phony, then it’s probably illegal, and beyond both of those it shows unbelievably bad judgment. I’ve got no problem with adults humiliating themselves for their 15 minutes, but could we leave the 8-year-olds out of it, please?
Today, we find out that some of the parents are suing CBS and the show did, apparently, violate child labor laws. Once again your Daily Dollop proves its mettle as the premiere source of uninformed news and opinion.
Bottom line to the stupid parents: it's your freaking job to protect your children from child exploiters, not to complain about the terms the exploiters offer you. If a creepy guy in a raincoat shows up and asks to spend a few hours alone with your son or daughter in exchange for a hundred bucks, you don't haggle. You throw the bastard out on his ear, preferably after removing some dangling appendages.
Why must this be explained to some people? Someone thought letting their 8-year-old go off into the desert with no adult supervision was a good idea?
Thursday, August 16, 2007
I Hate the Geico Caveman
I mean, I really hate him. It’s a deeply-rooted, visceral hatred that causes pinpoints of rage to blossom in the back of my cerebrum whenever I see him. I want to hurl a brick through my television every time one of those stupid ads comes on. Not only will I never get Geico insurance, but I urge my friends and family not to get Geico either just in hopes that the company will run out of money to produce another one of these monuments to moronity.
But you can’t escape him. He’s made the crossover into pop culture, and I have no idea why. I know he’ll be passé soon, but that only means that he’s biding his time until he’s kitsch and comes roaring back with a vengeance, like The Brady Bunch or Yoko Ono.
I hate the Geico caveman. No, I despise the Geico caveman. No, I loathe the Geico caveman. No, every molecule of every cell of my entire being cries out for the end of the Geico caveman throughout all time and space and in all future and possible alternate worlds and universes.
I apologize for the rant, and now return you to your regular programming.
Ps: I hate the Geico caveman.
But you can’t escape him. He’s made the crossover into pop culture, and I have no idea why. I know he’ll be passé soon, but that only means that he’s biding his time until he’s kitsch and comes roaring back with a vengeance, like The Brady Bunch or Yoko Ono.
I hate the Geico caveman. No, I despise the Geico caveman. No, I loathe the Geico caveman. No, every molecule of every cell of my entire being cries out for the end of the Geico caveman throughout all time and space and in all future and possible alternate worlds and universes.
I apologize for the rant, and now return you to your regular programming.
Ps: I hate the Geico caveman.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Ten Shows Not in the Lineup
Here are ten TV shows that aren’t in the fall lineup, but really ought to be:
Are you Smarter than Chuck Schumer? (Game Show): This show pits randomly selected 8th-grade Civics students against the powerful DC congressman to see who has a superior understanding of how government is supposed to work. A special college edition of “Can you drink more than Ted Kennedy?” will air during sweeps week.
Shocking Behavior (Reality): Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Brittney Spears are each fitted out with a shock collar and followed by camera crews as they tour hot LA nightspots to see which can best resist temptation. The frequency and intensity of the shocks will be controlled by a panel including Dr. Phil, Miss Manners, and an online audience vote. The starlet who absorbs the least voltage will receive free legal counseling for one year, a $500,000 value.
Pardon Me? (Comedy): The original prison odd couple, “American Taliban” John Walker Lindh and former White House aide “Scooter” Libby, try to get along in this wacky comedy set in a newly opened federal prison for high-profile detainees. Special guest stars include Arlen Specter and Michael Vick.
Real History (Educational): Professor Ward Churchill presents history “the way it really happened, not in a way that glorifies dead white guys.” Up first is “Barbarians on the Throne”, focusing on US presidents who were also war criminals, from George Washington and Andrew Jackson up to Dwight Eisenhower and George Bush.
Attack of the Werewolf Vampire Frankensteins (SF Drama): In this dark futuristic drama set in San Francisco, a small group of humans protects themselves against the attacks of werewolf vampire frankensteins, led by a powerful mummy sorceress created by the CIA in the closing days of the Bush administration.
Cartoon FBI Babe Superheroes, MD (Comedy): This Fox show will seek to capture on the popularity of other shows, but once again prove that the network is at its worst when it copies and at its best when it is original.
Hit Machine (Music): This new MTV show will focus on hot artists whose musical careers continue to amaze their legions of fans. Up first: Tupac Shakur, whose records continue to be best-sellers despite the fact that he’s been dead for ten years. A second installment will focus on Biggie Smalls, whose more recent death appears to have slowed his new record sales somewhat.
Fat Guy and Hot Wife (Comedy): In yet another interminable iteration of the standard formula, a fat comedian will be paired with a hot wife and encounter wacky situations designed to amuse and entertain. Costarring a crotchety elderly person as an aged relative who gives witty insights delivered with impeccable timing.
Quentin Tarantino Presents: Ludicrous Violence Disguised as Art (Reality): The famed Hollywood director works with ten aspiring film directors to help them develop violence as a crutch for poor screenwriting, acting, and directing. Each week the studio audience will vote to see which director is expelled from the show by hurling them into a garbage truck full of pig snouts. The winner will be allowed to work as a gofer on Tarantino’s next film, Bum Fights on the Moons of Ka, a love story.
Table Turns (News): Called the show that “allows celebrities to fight back!” this looks to be the smash hit of the summer. In the pilot episode, Democratic presidential hopefuls will be allowed to interview some of the retarded morons that badgered them with nonsensical questions in the online debate so that the reprobates can understand what it feels like to have their time wasted. In the second show, celebrities will stalk paparazzi with cameras and paintball guns in an attempt to wound and embarrass them.
Are you Smarter than Chuck Schumer? (Game Show): This show pits randomly selected 8th-grade Civics students against the powerful DC congressman to see who has a superior understanding of how government is supposed to work. A special college edition of “Can you drink more than Ted Kennedy?” will air during sweeps week.
Shocking Behavior (Reality): Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Brittney Spears are each fitted out with a shock collar and followed by camera crews as they tour hot LA nightspots to see which can best resist temptation. The frequency and intensity of the shocks will be controlled by a panel including Dr. Phil, Miss Manners, and an online audience vote. The starlet who absorbs the least voltage will receive free legal counseling for one year, a $500,000 value.
Pardon Me? (Comedy): The original prison odd couple, “American Taliban” John Walker Lindh and former White House aide “Scooter” Libby, try to get along in this wacky comedy set in a newly opened federal prison for high-profile detainees. Special guest stars include Arlen Specter and Michael Vick.
Real History (Educational): Professor Ward Churchill presents history “the way it really happened, not in a way that glorifies dead white guys.” Up first is “Barbarians on the Throne”, focusing on US presidents who were also war criminals, from George Washington and Andrew Jackson up to Dwight Eisenhower and George Bush.
Attack of the Werewolf Vampire Frankensteins (SF Drama): In this dark futuristic drama set in San Francisco, a small group of humans protects themselves against the attacks of werewolf vampire frankensteins, led by a powerful mummy sorceress created by the CIA in the closing days of the Bush administration.
Cartoon FBI Babe Superheroes, MD (Comedy): This Fox show will seek to capture on the popularity of other shows, but once again prove that the network is at its worst when it copies and at its best when it is original.
Hit Machine (Music): This new MTV show will focus on hot artists whose musical careers continue to amaze their legions of fans. Up first: Tupac Shakur, whose records continue to be best-sellers despite the fact that he’s been dead for ten years. A second installment will focus on Biggie Smalls, whose more recent death appears to have slowed his new record sales somewhat.
Fat Guy and Hot Wife (Comedy): In yet another interminable iteration of the standard formula, a fat comedian will be paired with a hot wife and encounter wacky situations designed to amuse and entertain. Costarring a crotchety elderly person as an aged relative who gives witty insights delivered with impeccable timing.
Quentin Tarantino Presents: Ludicrous Violence Disguised as Art (Reality): The famed Hollywood director works with ten aspiring film directors to help them develop violence as a crutch for poor screenwriting, acting, and directing. Each week the studio audience will vote to see which director is expelled from the show by hurling them into a garbage truck full of pig snouts. The winner will be allowed to work as a gofer on Tarantino’s next film, Bum Fights on the Moons of Ka, a love story.
Table Turns (News): Called the show that “allows celebrities to fight back!” this looks to be the smash hit of the summer. In the pilot episode, Democratic presidential hopefuls will be allowed to interview some of the retarded morons that badgered them with nonsensical questions in the online debate so that the reprobates can understand what it feels like to have their time wasted. In the second show, celebrities will stalk paparazzi with cameras and paintball guns in an attempt to wound and embarrass them.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Fall TV Preview
Yesterday I previewed the upcoming summer TV shows, and so now I’m doing the same for the shows premiering this fall. As always, I have made sure not to watch them nor to acquire any actual knowledge, thus keeping my opinions pristine.
I’m not the only person in cyberspace to have an opinion not backed up by experience or facts, but I’m certainly one of the most honest about it. Once again grouped by category, this fall’s shows are specially designed to help people catch up on their reading:
Reality Shows Demonstrating Poor Judgment
Kid Nation: I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that they found at least 40 families willing to let their 8 to 15-year-olds be exploited on-camera for 40 days to help boost CBS’ ratings. Is this unsettling to anybody else? Are there no child labor laws in New Mexico? Does anybody really believe these kids are left "alone" in a New Mexico ghost town? If this show isn’t phony, then it’s probably illegal, and beyond both of those it shows unbelievably bad judgment. I’ve got no problem with adults humiliating themselves for their 15 minutes, but could we leave the 8-year-olds out of it, please?
Network TV Attempt at "The Sopranos"
Dirty Sexy Money: This show chronicles the lawyer for a “powerful and amoral NY family.” You know how it feels when you have a stapler open and accidentally staple yourself in the pad of your finger? I imagine that’s what your soul feels like if you watch this show. Claims to have the acting debut of Dan Rather, but if you watched him protest that the fake memos were real you already saw him turn in an Emmy-worthy performance.
Cane: Afraid to portray Hispanics as criminal (that honor is reserved for whites, blacks, and Italians in present-day television), Jimmy Smits headlines as the head of a powerful Cuban-American family trading in sugar and rum. Probably long on love for the old homeland and short on reality, this will be jam-packed with every Hispanic-sounding actor CBS can find. But if you take the criminal out of the Sopranos, will you have a show worth watching? My prediction: muy mal.
Obligatory Police Show
K-Ville: This is so formulaic just reading the setup made my head hurt: two policemen, one buttoned-down and the other "less than orthodox", are partnered to patrol the mean streets of New Orleans. The straight one harbors a dark secret. If their chief threatens to take their badge and one of them is close to retirement, they’ll have used every cliché in the “Police Show” genre. No word yet on which partner gets to be the one that rides on the hood of the perp's car.
Obligatory Doctor Show
Private Practice: This is a spinoff of Grey’s Anatomy, which I’ve never seen. Let’s hope it does better than Joanie Loves Chachi, but honestly, it doesn’t look quite as good. And she’s working in a private practice, where doctor shows go to die. If Bob Newhart couldn’t make it work, what hope Kate Walsh have?
Way Too Many Sci-Fi Shows
Pushing Daisies: This show promised to add “a bittersweet flavor to the worn-out procedural recipe” in its blurb. I read the hook, and seemed more like the flavor of burnt metal that you get if you over-microwave popcorn. Apparently ABC’s motto this season is “we’ll greenlight anything!!”
Bionic Woman: I remember this show as a kid, and it sucked then, too. At least Wonder Woman had her costume going for her. All the Bionic Woman has is that “sproing-sproing-sproing” sound when she jumps.
The Reaper: I liked this idea better when they made a movie called Spawn out of it. But to each his own, I guess.
Journeyman: I also liked this show better when it was called Quantum Leap.
The Sarah Connor Chronicles: First of all, calling Sarah Connor “unforgettable” is a bit of a stretch. Ripley was unforgettable. Sarah Connor was eminently forgettable. Second of all, having her son feature in the show is a mistake. Who wasn’t rooting for the terminator to pick him off in T2? Looks awful, and likely to be the first one cancelled.
Moonlight: The current Hollywood adage right now appears to be “When in doubt, go vampire.” Since they don’t have any other sci-fi offering, CBS gives us this dreadful rip-off of Angel from the writer/producer that did Beauty and the Beast. I have no idea if they mean the show or the movie, and quite frankly, the concept is so bad it hardy seems to matter.
Two Shows from One Writer with no Point
Chuck: Using the word “geek” two times in the description of the show, NBC makes sure that you understand their opinion of you as they lay out the premise. It’s directed by McG, infamous cousin of the now-banned MSG.
Gossip Girl: Just what every adolescent girl needs: a drama showcasing “the surprisingly sinful world of the over-privileged teenagers living on New York’s Upper East Side.” They may as well start following this with ads for methadone clinics and anorexia rehab centers just to hit the sweet spot with the target audience. I wonder if Shannen Doherty is available?
Hollywood Goes with what It Knows
Lipstick Jungle: It’s from the same woman that did Sex and the City, so it’s gotta be good, right? Only it’s less demeaning to women than Sex because it focuses on powerful women. So it’s sure to be a draw, unless all those female fans of the other show liked the fact that they could relate to the women there, in which case it’ll struggle. But hey, at least it focuses on everyday, average women: a movie executive, a fashion designer, and editor of a fashion magazine. Excuse me while I go get my arc welder…
Obligatory “What the hell were they thinking?” Show
Viva Laughlin: I swear, this sounds like an SNL parody of CBS, not an actual show. Did they actually think to themselves, “you know, there’s a real shortage of musical television these days.” Perhaps this is cause and effect, gentlemen. What are they thinking at CBS? What’s next, a variety show featuring Britney Spears and K-Fed?
Cheech and Change: Cheech Marin stars as the operator of a check-loan place who is inundated by alien radiation and discovers he has super powers, so he begins fighting crime at night and helping the desperate people who come into his store. Okay, I made this one up, but I say it still sounds better than half the stuff on this list.
Lone Comedy Starring Former Successes
Back to You: It’s got Kelsey Grammar! It’s got Raymond’s wife (Patricia Heaton)! It’s got Fred Willard! It looks terrible!
I’m not the only person in cyberspace to have an opinion not backed up by experience or facts, but I’m certainly one of the most honest about it. Once again grouped by category, this fall’s shows are specially designed to help people catch up on their reading:
Reality Shows Demonstrating Poor Judgment
Kid Nation: I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that they found at least 40 families willing to let their 8 to 15-year-olds be exploited on-camera for 40 days to help boost CBS’ ratings. Is this unsettling to anybody else? Are there no child labor laws in New Mexico? Does anybody really believe these kids are left "alone" in a New Mexico ghost town? If this show isn’t phony, then it’s probably illegal, and beyond both of those it shows unbelievably bad judgment. I’ve got no problem with adults humiliating themselves for their 15 minutes, but could we leave the 8-year-olds out of it, please?
Network TV Attempt at "The Sopranos"
Dirty Sexy Money: This show chronicles the lawyer for a “powerful and amoral NY family.” You know how it feels when you have a stapler open and accidentally staple yourself in the pad of your finger? I imagine that’s what your soul feels like if you watch this show. Claims to have the acting debut of Dan Rather, but if you watched him protest that the fake memos were real you already saw him turn in an Emmy-worthy performance.
Cane: Afraid to portray Hispanics as criminal (that honor is reserved for whites, blacks, and Italians in present-day television), Jimmy Smits headlines as the head of a powerful Cuban-American family trading in sugar and rum. Probably long on love for the old homeland and short on reality, this will be jam-packed with every Hispanic-sounding actor CBS can find. But if you take the criminal out of the Sopranos, will you have a show worth watching? My prediction: muy mal.
Obligatory Police Show
K-Ville: This is so formulaic just reading the setup made my head hurt: two policemen, one buttoned-down and the other "less than orthodox", are partnered to patrol the mean streets of New Orleans. The straight one harbors a dark secret. If their chief threatens to take their badge and one of them is close to retirement, they’ll have used every cliché in the “Police Show” genre. No word yet on which partner gets to be the one that rides on the hood of the perp's car.
Obligatory Doctor Show
Private Practice: This is a spinoff of Grey’s Anatomy, which I’ve never seen. Let’s hope it does better than Joanie Loves Chachi, but honestly, it doesn’t look quite as good. And she’s working in a private practice, where doctor shows go to die. If Bob Newhart couldn’t make it work, what hope Kate Walsh have?
Way Too Many Sci-Fi Shows
Pushing Daisies: This show promised to add “a bittersweet flavor to the worn-out procedural recipe” in its blurb. I read the hook, and seemed more like the flavor of burnt metal that you get if you over-microwave popcorn. Apparently ABC’s motto this season is “we’ll greenlight anything!!”
Bionic Woman: I remember this show as a kid, and it sucked then, too. At least Wonder Woman had her costume going for her. All the Bionic Woman has is that “sproing-sproing-sproing” sound when she jumps.
The Reaper: I liked this idea better when they made a movie called Spawn out of it. But to each his own, I guess.
Journeyman: I also liked this show better when it was called Quantum Leap.
The Sarah Connor Chronicles: First of all, calling Sarah Connor “unforgettable” is a bit of a stretch. Ripley was unforgettable. Sarah Connor was eminently forgettable. Second of all, having her son feature in the show is a mistake. Who wasn’t rooting for the terminator to pick him off in T2? Looks awful, and likely to be the first one cancelled.
Moonlight: The current Hollywood adage right now appears to be “When in doubt, go vampire.” Since they don’t have any other sci-fi offering, CBS gives us this dreadful rip-off of Angel from the writer/producer that did Beauty and the Beast. I have no idea if they mean the show or the movie, and quite frankly, the concept is so bad it hardy seems to matter.
Two Shows from One Writer with no Point
Chuck: Using the word “geek” two times in the description of the show, NBC makes sure that you understand their opinion of you as they lay out the premise. It’s directed by McG, infamous cousin of the now-banned MSG.
Gossip Girl: Just what every adolescent girl needs: a drama showcasing “the surprisingly sinful world of the over-privileged teenagers living on New York’s Upper East Side.” They may as well start following this with ads for methadone clinics and anorexia rehab centers just to hit the sweet spot with the target audience. I wonder if Shannen Doherty is available?
Hollywood Goes with what It Knows
Lipstick Jungle: It’s from the same woman that did Sex and the City, so it’s gotta be good, right? Only it’s less demeaning to women than Sex because it focuses on powerful women. So it’s sure to be a draw, unless all those female fans of the other show liked the fact that they could relate to the women there, in which case it’ll struggle. But hey, at least it focuses on everyday, average women: a movie executive, a fashion designer, and editor of a fashion magazine. Excuse me while I go get my arc welder…
Obligatory “What the hell were they thinking?” Show
Viva Laughlin: I swear, this sounds like an SNL parody of CBS, not an actual show. Did they actually think to themselves, “you know, there’s a real shortage of musical television these days.” Perhaps this is cause and effect, gentlemen. What are they thinking at CBS? What’s next, a variety show featuring Britney Spears and K-Fed?
Cheech and Change: Cheech Marin stars as the operator of a check-loan place who is inundated by alien radiation and discovers he has super powers, so he begins fighting crime at night and helping the desperate people who come into his store. Okay, I made this one up, but I say it still sounds better than half the stuff on this list.
Lone Comedy Starring Former Successes
Back to You: It’s got Kelsey Grammar! It’s got Raymond’s wife (Patricia Heaton)! It’s got Fred Willard! It looks terrible!
Monday, May 21, 2007
Coming Attractions
I’ve decided as a public service that I’m going to review the upcoming summer television shows, as explained in an article that I found here. I haven’t actually seen any of these shows, so you can be sure that my reviews are untroubled by any complicated knowledge of the subject at hand. And I don’t have any advertisements from anybody, so my judgment is honest.
I’ve grouped the shows by their genres:
Derivative Reality Shows:
On the Lot: Since they claim this is a global search, I’m sure we’ll see plenty of Bollywood directors and some good French noir filmmakers. Or maybe not, since that would inevitably lead to problems with translation and focus; they’ll probably find an Indian immigrant who hopes someday to make Bollywood films. They propose to split the groups “into teams” to direct films, since all the great directors are partnerships or teams. After poisoning any chance for them to succeed individually, they’ll have some Hollywood “celebrities” drop by; I’m sure their advice will be uniformly awful and unsuited to the task at hand. Then they’ll force the public to watch their drivel and rig the votes to generate public interest. Do I sound excited yet?
Pirate Master: Unless they make everybody wear puffy shirts and end their sentences with “arrr, matey” this is one of the lamest ripoffs I’ve ever heard of. No, scratch that: even with puffy shirts this is a lame idea. It’s like Survivor on a boat, surely conceived to keep production costs down. And they even have a Pirate’s Court, but no word yet on whether or not Judge Wapner was available to be chief.
Obligatory Game Show Entry:
National Bingo Night: Ever since Golden Girls and Matlock were cancelled seniors have been demanding a show made “just for them.” Now they get it, in the form of interactive Bingo. Doesn’t this already exist? It’s called Lotto in some places, I understand. Is this the best game show ABC could green-light? Why not just revive Password? Is Chuck Woolery on long-term contract with Lingo?
Dramas with Beach Babes
Hidden Palms: Think of it as Beverly Hills 90210 meets Twin Peaks, but more vapid than the former and more obtuse than the latter. My money is that this is sure to be this fall’s most quickly-cancelled show, unless one with a breakdancing robot debuts that I don’t know about. Plus, it advertises “science girl Lizzy” so you know it’s going to strive hard to break stereotypes.
Dramas without Beach Babes
Army Wives: To me, this looks like it might be ‘Desperate Housewives’ meets ‘Platoon’, only without any killing or nudity. It’s on Lifetime, so it’s presumably targeted at women, so for all I know it’ll be a hit and women will love it. I’m not a woman, so it seems like a soap opera with a military hook and little else going for it. Let’s move on, shall we?
Shows of Unclear Focus
The Starter Wife: I can’t tell if this is a comedy or a drama or both. At any rate, it looks terrible. Why is it that when the entertainment industry goes looking for inspiration, they rarely get farther than the entertainment industry? How about a show centered around, say, somebody who works as an arc welder? It’s a dangerous job, and arc welders can fool around on their wives just as well as anybody else, right? Plus you can easily work in fire and explosions. Where’s my arc welder show?
Animated Shows Hoping for some Simpsons Magic
Creature Comforts: Fortunately for you, I’ve seen the original show on which this is based, so I can give you firsthand knowledge of what to be prepared for: the most horribly insipid, painful television viewing experience not involving electrocution that you could ever hope to be subjected to. However, when the tagline says “you’ll laugh, cry, and think” they’re right: you’ll laugh at anybody who likes this show, you’ll cry if you’re related to them, and you’ll think about your own death if you watch it.
Lil’ Bush: Depends on how they go with this. It could be hilarious, it could be terrible. This is the sole show that I look at and think “yeah, that could be a success.” Comedy Central wants you to think of this as a second coming of “South Park”, but it remains to be seen if it’ll be a bare-knuckled scattershot criticism like that or a more narrowly-focused critique of Bush like the unlamented “That’s My Bush!” show from several years ago. My bet is on the latter, and it gets cancelled in a few months and left-wing outlets howl about the vast right-wing conspiracy that controls Comedy Central.
I’ve grouped the shows by their genres:
Derivative Reality Shows:
On the Lot: Since they claim this is a global search, I’m sure we’ll see plenty of Bollywood directors and some good French noir filmmakers. Or maybe not, since that would inevitably lead to problems with translation and focus; they’ll probably find an Indian immigrant who hopes someday to make Bollywood films. They propose to split the groups “into teams” to direct films, since all the great directors are partnerships or teams. After poisoning any chance for them to succeed individually, they’ll have some Hollywood “celebrities” drop by; I’m sure their advice will be uniformly awful and unsuited to the task at hand. Then they’ll force the public to watch their drivel and rig the votes to generate public interest. Do I sound excited yet?
Pirate Master: Unless they make everybody wear puffy shirts and end their sentences with “arrr, matey” this is one of the lamest ripoffs I’ve ever heard of. No, scratch that: even with puffy shirts this is a lame idea. It’s like Survivor on a boat, surely conceived to keep production costs down. And they even have a Pirate’s Court, but no word yet on whether or not Judge Wapner was available to be chief.
Obligatory Game Show Entry:
National Bingo Night: Ever since Golden Girls and Matlock were cancelled seniors have been demanding a show made “just for them.” Now they get it, in the form of interactive Bingo. Doesn’t this already exist? It’s called Lotto in some places, I understand. Is this the best game show ABC could green-light? Why not just revive Password? Is Chuck Woolery on long-term contract with Lingo?
Dramas with Beach Babes
Hidden Palms: Think of it as Beverly Hills 90210 meets Twin Peaks, but more vapid than the former and more obtuse than the latter. My money is that this is sure to be this fall’s most quickly-cancelled show, unless one with a breakdancing robot debuts that I don’t know about. Plus, it advertises “science girl Lizzy” so you know it’s going to strive hard to break stereotypes.
Dramas without Beach Babes
Army Wives: To me, this looks like it might be ‘Desperate Housewives’ meets ‘Platoon’, only without any killing or nudity. It’s on Lifetime, so it’s presumably targeted at women, so for all I know it’ll be a hit and women will love it. I’m not a woman, so it seems like a soap opera with a military hook and little else going for it. Let’s move on, shall we?
Shows of Unclear Focus
The Starter Wife: I can’t tell if this is a comedy or a drama or both. At any rate, it looks terrible. Why is it that when the entertainment industry goes looking for inspiration, they rarely get farther than the entertainment industry? How about a show centered around, say, somebody who works as an arc welder? It’s a dangerous job, and arc welders can fool around on their wives just as well as anybody else, right? Plus you can easily work in fire and explosions. Where’s my arc welder show?
Animated Shows Hoping for some Simpsons Magic
Creature Comforts: Fortunately for you, I’ve seen the original show on which this is based, so I can give you firsthand knowledge of what to be prepared for: the most horribly insipid, painful television viewing experience not involving electrocution that you could ever hope to be subjected to. However, when the tagline says “you’ll laugh, cry, and think” they’re right: you’ll laugh at anybody who likes this show, you’ll cry if you’re related to them, and you’ll think about your own death if you watch it.
Lil’ Bush: Depends on how they go with this. It could be hilarious, it could be terrible. This is the sole show that I look at and think “yeah, that could be a success.” Comedy Central wants you to think of this as a second coming of “South Park”, but it remains to be seen if it’ll be a bare-knuckled scattershot criticism like that or a more narrowly-focused critique of Bush like the unlamented “That’s My Bush!” show from several years ago. My bet is on the latter, and it gets cancelled in a few months and left-wing outlets howl about the vast right-wing conspiracy that controls Comedy Central.
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