(Note: Living as I do near the Hadron Collider, I expected strange things to occur once they'd fired that thing up. And lo and behold, I have started receiving e-mail updates of news from the future, just like that show Early Edition except with a lot bigger audience. So I'm going to pass along to you my news updates from the future.)
Bailout Czar Biden Buys Detroit Lions
Vice President and Bailout Czar Joe Biden today instructed the Treasury Department to purchase the Detroit Lions from the Ford family, which has seen its fortune dissipate with the bankruptcy of their automotive company. The government purchased a 51% stake in the ownership of the team, which just set an NFL record for worst season at 0-16 last year, for $628 million.
"This one's a guaranteed winner," Biden told reporters at his daily State of the Bailout news conference. "The NFL is the number one sports franchise in America, and now the US taxpayer has a piece of that pie. This is one investment that Americans can be sure will pay off in the long run!"
Biden has been criticized in recent weeks for a string of investments that have quickly lost almost all of their value, including an ice-cream delivery service targeting remote Inuit seal hunters and a speculative real estate investment in a beachfront condominium resort located on the Kansas-Nebraska border. In both instances the Treasury department has had to write off the entire bailout investment as a loss.
"We're gonna move 'em to DC, too. With the boom going on, the administration felt we needed another sports franchise," Biden told reporters, alluding to the 250% population explosion that has been seen in recent months as the applicants have flooded Washington to snap up nearly 100,000 federal jobs created by the Obama administration.
For the near future the team will share facilities with the other Washington NFL franchise, the Washington First Americans of Noble Mien. Americans owner Daniel Snyder said that he was "excited to be part of this great new experiment at sharing and getting along" and pledged full cooperation with the new NFL franchise, which will be rechristened the Washington Hope.
Now that the government has a controlling interest in an NFL team, President Obama announced that he is "vigorously pursuing the appointment of a Football Czar to help bring NFL standards and practices into line with this country's values and traditions."
The president specifically mentioned concerns over injuries and long-term benefits for NFL retirees, an increase in the number of minority coaches, GMS, and owners, and granting cheerleaders greater access to labor organization.
Showing posts with label Future News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Future News. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
News from the Future
(Note: Living as I do near the Hadron Collider, I expected strange things to occur once they'd fired that thing up. And lo and behold, I have started receiving e-mail updates of news from the future, just like that show Early Edition except with a lot bigger audience. So I'm going to pass along to you my news updates from the future.)
Two Arrested in Blockbuster Sting
Police in Brooklyn Heights stormed a Blockbuster Video last night, arresting the owner and two clerks on charges of distributing insensitive and harmful materials in violation of the 2009 Racial Reconciliation and Respect Act. Officers seized all DVD and videotape copies of four films, each of which was on the RRRA list of Socially Unacceptable Films.
The seized videos included the notorious Any Which Way but Loose, the Clint Eastwood comedy whose 30th anniversary re-release sparked riots due to its unflattering portrait of minorities.
Also taken in the raid were both the 1933 and 2007 versions of King Kong, as well as the Diane Fossey biopic Gorillas in the Mist. At the Cannes film festival earlier this year, director Peter Jackson apologized for his 2007 remake, calling it "a movie that in many ways is equally as vile as Birth of a Nation."
The search warrant also called for seizure of the 1976 King Kong remake starring Jessica Lange, but store records indicated that the no customer had ever rented the movie and any remaining copies of it were unable to be located.
Illinois Senator Al Sharpton, one of the authors of the RRRA, praised the action for coming "at a critical time for these United States as we attempt to heal the divisive wounds of racism by becoming more sensitive, more trusting, and ever more responsive to calls for censorship and blandidity in the name of harmony and unhurt feelings."
Two Arrested in Blockbuster Sting
Police in Brooklyn Heights stormed a Blockbuster Video last night, arresting the owner and two clerks on charges of distributing insensitive and harmful materials in violation of the 2009 Racial Reconciliation and Respect Act. Officers seized all DVD and videotape copies of four films, each of which was on the RRRA list of Socially Unacceptable Films.
The seized videos included the notorious Any Which Way but Loose, the Clint Eastwood comedy whose 30th anniversary re-release sparked riots due to its unflattering portrait of minorities.
Also taken in the raid were both the 1933 and 2007 versions of King Kong, as well as the Diane Fossey biopic Gorillas in the Mist. At the Cannes film festival earlier this year, director Peter Jackson apologized for his 2007 remake, calling it "a movie that in many ways is equally as vile as Birth of a Nation."
The search warrant also called for seizure of the 1976 King Kong remake starring Jessica Lange, but store records indicated that the no customer had ever rented the movie and any remaining copies of it were unable to be located.
Illinois Senator Al Sharpton, one of the authors of the RRRA, praised the action for coming "at a critical time for these United States as we attempt to heal the divisive wounds of racism by becoming more sensitive, more trusting, and ever more responsive to calls for censorship and blandidity in the name of harmony and unhurt feelings."
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
News from the Future
(Note: Living as I do near the Hadron Collider, I expected strange things to occur once they'd fired that thing up. And lo and behold, I have started receiving e-mail updates of news from the future, just like that show Early Edition except with a lot bigger audience. So I'm going to pass along to you my news updates from the future.)
Ford to Declare Bankruptcy
Ford Motor Company, the only automaker that is not part of the US Government Automobile Fabrication Corporation, announced today that its 2009 losses have driven it into bankruptcy and that it will likely have to lay off up to 40% of its workforce and may eventually sell all assets.
The move comes a week after GM unveiled its newest car, the Michelle, a sporty 3-seater made of 98% recycled parts. As all other models have been declared redundant, the Michelle is considered to be "the new standard" for GM and represents a conversion to all-green technology, getting 38 miles per gallon and capable of reaching highway speeds in excess of 48 miles per hour in non-headwind driving. Although the base cost is $36,000 per unit, after government rebates, dealer incentives, and buyer subsidies the cost is $1200, which after the New Car Stimulus Act of 2009 means that the consumer must only pay 1/3 of the sticker price, or $400.
Ford's truck line had already collapsed after the other member of the USGAFC, Chrysler, introduced the Kenyan, a sturdy two-seater with almost one and a half tons of pure towing power and a bed just over twenty square feet. The Kenyan gets eleven miles per gallon of 100% ethanol, whose $19.50 per gallon cost at the pump is reduced for consumers by 75% after the Renewable Fuels Subsidy Act of 2009. Though some have criticized its unique 3-axle design, its $750 price tag (after rebates and subsidies shave off some of the $62,000-per-unit cost from the factories) have had consumers lining up to purchase the unique vehicle.
In unrelated news, both companies have petitioned the government for an addition $62 billion, nine weeks after receiving an addition $78 billion from the government. The moves are necessary, say industry experts, because the stalemate in negotiations between Unions and Management are entering their fourteenth month. At issue is the desire of management to trim pensions for workers with less than ten years seniority by 1%, which according to a UAW spokesma "is tantamount to selling out future generations of workers forever."
Meanwhile sales of Ford's newest flagship automobile, the Daisy, have sagged after a promising start. The seven-seat "green" minivan has suffered from its excessive cost of $24,000 and criticism from environment groups, who say that its 45 MPG is unacceptably low for a vehicle that doesn't run on 100% ethanol blends. Also exacerbating the problem is the $4,000 penalty consumers must pay for the Daisy's excessive carbon footprint, as well as a $2,500 "sourcing fee" for buying outside of the USGAFC approved dealer network.
Ford has indefinitely postponed the release of the 2010 Hayek, which was designed to compete with the Michelle. The five-seat sedan would have been made of 99% recycled parts and in tests was capable of up to 70 MPH with an efficiency of 45 MPG, but its forecasted $18,000-per-unit cost was deemed "untenable" in the current market.
Former Vice President, Nobel Laureate, Oscar winner, and Pulitzer Prize author Al Gore said that the announcement showed that capitalism and environmentalism can work together to create a vibrant market. "Ford is paying for its decision to remain outside the USGAFC, and consumers are responding by choosing vehicles with a more environmentally sensitive production process. Once again the free market, guided by the benevolent hand of government experts, has proven to be the most efficient engine for effective social and environmental change."
Ford to Declare Bankruptcy
Ford Motor Company, the only automaker that is not part of the US Government Automobile Fabrication Corporation, announced today that its 2009 losses have driven it into bankruptcy and that it will likely have to lay off up to 40% of its workforce and may eventually sell all assets.
The move comes a week after GM unveiled its newest car, the Michelle, a sporty 3-seater made of 98% recycled parts. As all other models have been declared redundant, the Michelle is considered to be "the new standard" for GM and represents a conversion to all-green technology, getting 38 miles per gallon and capable of reaching highway speeds in excess of 48 miles per hour in non-headwind driving. Although the base cost is $36,000 per unit, after government rebates, dealer incentives, and buyer subsidies the cost is $1200, which after the New Car Stimulus Act of 2009 means that the consumer must only pay 1/3 of the sticker price, or $400.
Ford's truck line had already collapsed after the other member of the USGAFC, Chrysler, introduced the Kenyan, a sturdy two-seater with almost one and a half tons of pure towing power and a bed just over twenty square feet. The Kenyan gets eleven miles per gallon of 100% ethanol, whose $19.50 per gallon cost at the pump is reduced for consumers by 75% after the Renewable Fuels Subsidy Act of 2009. Though some have criticized its unique 3-axle design, its $750 price tag (after rebates and subsidies shave off some of the $62,000-per-unit cost from the factories) have had consumers lining up to purchase the unique vehicle.
In unrelated news, both companies have petitioned the government for an addition $62 billion, nine weeks after receiving an addition $78 billion from the government. The moves are necessary, say industry experts, because the stalemate in negotiations between Unions and Management are entering their fourteenth month. At issue is the desire of management to trim pensions for workers with less than ten years seniority by 1%, which according to a UAW spokesma "is tantamount to selling out future generations of workers forever."
Meanwhile sales of Ford's newest flagship automobile, the Daisy, have sagged after a promising start. The seven-seat "green" minivan has suffered from its excessive cost of $24,000 and criticism from environment groups, who say that its 45 MPG is unacceptably low for a vehicle that doesn't run on 100% ethanol blends. Also exacerbating the problem is the $4,000 penalty consumers must pay for the Daisy's excessive carbon footprint, as well as a $2,500 "sourcing fee" for buying outside of the USGAFC approved dealer network.
Ford has indefinitely postponed the release of the 2010 Hayek, which was designed to compete with the Michelle. The five-seat sedan would have been made of 99% recycled parts and in tests was capable of up to 70 MPH with an efficiency of 45 MPG, but its forecasted $18,000-per-unit cost was deemed "untenable" in the current market.
Former Vice President, Nobel Laureate, Oscar winner, and Pulitzer Prize author Al Gore said that the announcement showed that capitalism and environmentalism can work together to create a vibrant market. "Ford is paying for its decision to remain outside the USGAFC, and consumers are responding by choosing vehicles with a more environmentally sensitive production process. Once again the free market, guided by the benevolent hand of government experts, has proven to be the most efficient engine for effective social and environmental change."
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