Obviously, the Golden Compass doesn't point the way to riches, because weekend ticket sales were not good.
Don't believe me? GC brought in $2500 per screen. While it stomped the facile Fred Claus ($808 per screen) and beat Enchanted ($1800 per screen), it only just barely beat the re-release of the most boring SF movie ever, Blade Runner ($2400 per screen). When you're not killing a movie that's 25 years old, there is a problem.
Of course, all of these movies lost out to Santa versus the Snowmen, with a robust $2950 per screen. I presume it's some sort of sequel to Santa conquers the Martians.
Remember that GC cost 180 million. At the rate it's going, it should be profitable on its 25th anniversary release. Of course, it'll lose out to the sixteen-hour super-secret Producer's Cut of Blade Runner coming out for its 50th anniversary, with holodisk commentary by Harrison Ford's nephew's barber, complete with free caffeine pills to keep you awake through the monotonous skyscraper shots and inscrutably dark background scenery.
Personally, I think releasing a movie with a thinly-disguised story about killing God right next to Christmas is maybe not the best business strategy. Just because it takes place at the North Pole doesn't mean that it's a Christmas movie, guys.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Please make it stop!
I read with horror a brief synopsis of the upcoming bomb GI Joe: The Movie. I make no secret of the fact that I'm a big fan of the franchise. Here's what the article says about the new Joe team:
I guess the biggest problem they'll be tackling is that COBRA has stolen their testicles.
I mean, honestly: Brussels? Geez, you could conquer Brussels with one of the lamer Joes, like Breaker or Shipwreck. I bet Snake-Eyes alone could conquer most of Europe. What are they doing in Brussels, trolling for discount marijuana? Signing the EU charter? Helping form a government?
I've got an idea: in an era with million-dollar anti-war flops, why not go totally contrarian and make a super-patriotic, totally serious, US Agents kick terrorist ass film? You might make enough money that you could afford to make ten Redacteds and blow off the 500-million dollar loss!
What's next, an eco-terrorist Captain America?
This latest version has G.I. JOE, which stands for Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity, as an international force of operatives set in Brussels.
I guess the biggest problem they'll be tackling is that COBRA has stolen their testicles.
I mean, honestly: Brussels? Geez, you could conquer Brussels with one of the lamer Joes, like Breaker or Shipwreck. I bet Snake-Eyes alone could conquer most of Europe. What are they doing in Brussels, trolling for discount marijuana? Signing the EU charter? Helping form a government?
I've got an idea: in an era with million-dollar anti-war flops, why not go totally contrarian and make a super-patriotic, totally serious, US Agents kick terrorist ass film? You might make enough money that you could afford to make ten Redacteds and blow off the 500-million dollar loss!
What's next, an eco-terrorist Captain America?
I sense a disturbance in the force
I predict nothing but doom and unhappiness with Bill Parcells in Miami. He's tired and has a short attention span, plus a generous mercenary streak coupled with excessive diarrhea of the mouth and the tendency to blame others for failure while taking credit for everything.
Think he'll be able to get a top-notch coach and GM to work under him with that colorful background? I doubt it.
Miami fans must have violated all ten Football Commandments to have earned such enmity from the Football Gods.
Think he'll be able to get a top-notch coach and GM to work under him with that colorful background? I doubt it.
Miami fans must have violated all ten Football Commandments to have earned such enmity from the Football Gods.
Quick: somebody call ebay!
You know what I thought when I read that Jonathan Papelbon's dog ate the world series ball from the 2004 Red Sox victory?
I wish I lived in Hattiesburg, Mississippi where the dog is so I could sell authentic World Series Baseball Doggie Doodie on e-bay. That crap's gotta be worth millions.
I wish I lived in Hattiesburg, Mississippi where the dog is so I could sell authentic World Series Baseball Doggie Doodie on e-bay. That crap's gotta be worth millions.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Some other memorable phrases
Now that he’s won “most memorable quote of 2007”, here are some other memorable phrases that Andrew Meyer, of “Don’t tase me, bro” fame, should work on memorizing to help him out in the future if he plans on disrupting speeches by Democratic luminaries like John Kerry:
“Back off, I’m friends with the Swiftboat Veterans!”
“Calgon, take me away!”
“Spare me a nickel, bro?”
“Ms. Clinton? I can’t read the card your staffer handed me. Can you get me another one?”
“Stop them before they waterboard me!”
“This is just like what happened to Mumia.”
“Would you like fries with that?”
“I said I'm not with Fox News!”
“Back off, I’m friends with the Swiftboat Veterans!”
“Calgon, take me away!”
“Spare me a nickel, bro?”
“Ms. Clinton? I can’t read the card your staffer handed me. Can you get me another one?”
“Stop them before they waterboard me!”
“This is just like what happened to Mumia.”
“Would you like fries with that?”
“I said I'm not with Fox News!”
Monday, December 17, 2007
Carbon Righteousness
Besides the boom in business for private airstrips, luxury hotels, and discount brothels, one of the best tools to come out of the Bali Conference on Global Warming has got to be this little nugget from the breakout session called "Defining 21st Century Righteousness." So without further ado, I present to you the:
All-Purpose Carbon Righteousness Scale
The following lifestyles are rated from 0 (Earth Murderer) to 100 (Eco-Saint). Simply find which case most closely matches your own, and you will know the degree of carbon righteousness which you possess. In order to improve your righteousness, all you have to do is make some small lifestyle adjustments.
0) Divorced living separately with college-aged children, all have cars, both parents working, all members enjoy hot showers
10) Married living together with children of any age
20) Divorced, but now living with new paramours, never had any children
30) Married living together without children and with no plans to have children, preferably sterilized
31) Anybody who has ever had children can't be higher than 31 because they're killing the planet slowly by spreading their seed
40) Recycle everything from bottles to used condoms, never eat GM food, use public transportation no more than twice a week (otherwise foot-power), work for a socially responsible corporation, does not have indoor plumbing
50) Group love-fest with no commitments, freaky sexual exploration, and Planned Parenthood on speed-dial
60) Actor, director, or politician who risks being ostracized by taking the dangerous stance that "we've got to wake up and do something about climate change", regardless of actual personal behavior or comportment
70) Humorless natural-fabric wearing scold who eats locally grown food from a co-op and takes only cold showers every other month
80) Local co-op grower who adopts orphans, raises them not to reproduce, drives a bio-diesel car, pocket mulches, and chains himself naked to something every other month in order to keep the military/industrial complex from destroying the planet
85) The Chinese get to be here automatically because they're still keeping the communist dream alive
90) Should-be president touring world speaking out against climate change via private jet maintaining several palatial mansions
100) Unwashed sterilized lesbian vegan commune living in a cave
All-Purpose Carbon Righteousness Scale
The following lifestyles are rated from 0 (Earth Murderer) to 100 (Eco-Saint). Simply find which case most closely matches your own, and you will know the degree of carbon righteousness which you possess. In order to improve your righteousness, all you have to do is make some small lifestyle adjustments.
0) Divorced living separately with college-aged children, all have cars, both parents working, all members enjoy hot showers
10) Married living together with children of any age
20) Divorced, but now living with new paramours, never had any children
30) Married living together without children and with no plans to have children, preferably sterilized
31) Anybody who has ever had children can't be higher than 31 because they're killing the planet slowly by spreading their seed
40) Recycle everything from bottles to used condoms, never eat GM food, use public transportation no more than twice a week (otherwise foot-power), work for a socially responsible corporation, does not have indoor plumbing
50) Group love-fest with no commitments, freaky sexual exploration, and Planned Parenthood on speed-dial
60) Actor, director, or politician who risks being ostracized by taking the dangerous stance that "we've got to wake up and do something about climate change", regardless of actual personal behavior or comportment
70) Humorless natural-fabric wearing scold who eats locally grown food from a co-op and takes only cold showers every other month
80) Local co-op grower who adopts orphans, raises them not to reproduce, drives a bio-diesel car, pocket mulches, and chains himself naked to something every other month in order to keep the military/industrial complex from destroying the planet
85) The Chinese get to be here automatically because they're still keeping the communist dream alive
90) Should-be president touring world speaking out against climate change via private jet maintaining several palatial mansions
100) Unwashed sterilized lesbian vegan commune living in a cave
Friday, December 14, 2007
Scientists: is there anything they can't do?
It's a miracle: scientists in South Korea have finally cloned glow-in-the-dark cats!Sensible cat owners have known for years that they take a risk every night of their cat slashing out their jugular and then laughing as their owner expires, drowned by their own femoral blood. But with a glow-in-the-dark cat, that fear is completely eliminated: now you see the vile feline as it creeps up on you and you have time to retrieve your gun under the pillow and put six or seven rounds into it.
It also totally negates a cat's ability (and, indeed, predilection) to try to trip you in the dark during power outages to make you fall downstairs and break open your head, thus allowing it to feast on the goo inside. Now you can just kick the cat out of the way, as God intended!
Advantage: Man!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Hey, Pearlman: Try Using Numbers!
Something about this ESPN Page 2 article by Jeff Pearlman annoyed me, and for a while I couldn't put my finger on it. It's about how Pearlman alleges Mets fans are irked at a perceived Latin bias by their GM, Omar Minaya (the only Latin GM in the majors).
I don't follow Mets fans, so I can't speak to the assertion. I'll accept it as true, but it annoys me that Pearlman doesn't source any of his quotes. That's not just sloppy; in this era it looks wrong. You should always link your source quote.
Was it the condescending tone of it? Well, it is Pearlman, so condescention is typically the order of the day. That's not it, although it rubs me the wrong way. I know what "El Equipo de Latinos" means; you don't have to translate it for me.
What irks me, I think, is this: it's numerically sloppy.
Geez, Mr. Pearlman, grab a calculator and crunch some freaking numbers. You'll find an interesting story (I certainly think so, anyways):
Using the most recent rosters on Yahoo! sports, by birthplace the Mets are 49% Latin.
Compare this to the Yankees (35%), Red Sox (26%), Braves (24%), White Sox (21%), and Dodgers (16%): that number is high. Very high. Statistically significantly high, I would venture to guess.
Is that odd? Or is it explicable? Isn't this germane to the overall narrative of small-minded Mets fans versus great baseball GM Omar Minaya? Or is it just useless statistical noise?
I don't know. I'm just a dumbass blogger. You should know, Mr. Pearlman. You're a sportswriter. Instead of giving us sociological claptrap, why not try to explain sports or something? Is that too much to ask?
I don't follow Mets fans, so I can't speak to the assertion. I'll accept it as true, but it annoys me that Pearlman doesn't source any of his quotes. That's not just sloppy; in this era it looks wrong. You should always link your source quote.
Was it the condescending tone of it? Well, it is Pearlman, so condescention is typically the order of the day. That's not it, although it rubs me the wrong way. I know what "El Equipo de Latinos" means; you don't have to translate it for me.
What irks me, I think, is this: it's numerically sloppy.
Geez, Mr. Pearlman, grab a calculator and crunch some freaking numbers. You'll find an interesting story (I certainly think so, anyways):
Using the most recent rosters on Yahoo! sports, by birthplace the Mets are 49% Latin.
Compare this to the Yankees (35%), Red Sox (26%), Braves (24%), White Sox (21%), and Dodgers (16%): that number is high. Very high. Statistically significantly high, I would venture to guess.
Is that odd? Or is it explicable? Isn't this germane to the overall narrative of small-minded Mets fans versus great baseball GM Omar Minaya? Or is it just useless statistical noise?
I don't know. I'm just a dumbass blogger. You should know, Mr. Pearlman. You're a sportswriter. Instead of giving us sociological claptrap, why not try to explain sports or something? Is that too much to ask?
The Seven Stages of Campaign Implosion
Everybody knows the seven stages of grieving, but less well-known are the seven stages of campaign collapse. However, we can see that Team Clinton has managed to cruise through the first three stages, and is poised to enter Stage 4 any day now:
1 - Polling Denial
In this stage, the campaign simple refuses to believe the latest impartial polling results. They can’t accept that they’ve lost 20% in Iowa, or they’re neck-and-neck in New Hampshire. They say things like “Our internal polling shows there’s nothing to worry about”, meaning that they have no idea what’s going on.
2 - Negative Rage
Here a campaign goes negative as it slowly comes to the realization that the polls are correct and there’s a problem. This can take many forms, from the exceedingly nasty (re:Willie Horton) to the sublimely incompetent (Obama’s kindergarten essays). Often this leads to massive self-inflicted damage, like when some geeky kid insists that he’s a stud because he’s got a nympho girlfriend in Canada.
3 - Changing Strategies
Some campaigns change managers, some campaigns change direction, and some do both. But it doesn’t change anything, because campaigns never change candidates, and that’s typically what the problem is. If you run a glacial ice queen viewed as riding her husband’s coattails, then bringing the husband in to run things doesn’t particularly change this image.
4 - Pandering
Who wants a tax break? Government funded health care? Required union coverage for employers with more than ten employees? Talking monkeys? A campaign in this stage is willing to promise anything for your vote. The stink of desperation is strongest at this stage, just like when the geek shows a photoshopped picture of Tera Patrick wearing a Maple Leaves cap on standing next to him along with a postcard that he signed left-handed that says “To my footlong hoagie lover-boy.”
5 - Lashing Out
“Those stupid Iowa hicks just don’t appreciate how wonderful I am.”
“Those hard-headed New Hampshire yahoos just don’t appreciate how wonderful I am.”
“Those South Carolina racist rednecks just don’t appreciate how wonderful I am.”
This stage can also take the form of a prolonged howl of anguish, like Inigo Montoya’s Call of Ultimate Suffering.
6 - Wild Allegations
Here paranoia reigns supreme as a candidate alleges all sorts of dirty tricks: plants from the other campaigns, vast right-wing conspiracies, voters being dissatisfied for unrelated reasons, and other terrible innuendos to explain their plummeting numbers. Yeah, sure, and the girlfriend in Canada swallows.
7 - Reduced Expectations
Finally the candidate laughs off their failed attempt at office by restating their primary goal: they only wanted to draw attention to some critical issue, they just wanted to energize voters, or they were just practicing for the “real” election in 2012. Or, it was their plan to lose the first three primaries all along, and then sweep to victory in the coastal states.
Yeah, sure, and this nympho girlfriend in Canada is a supermodel who can’t find a better boyfriend than you.
1 - Polling Denial
In this stage, the campaign simple refuses to believe the latest impartial polling results. They can’t accept that they’ve lost 20% in Iowa, or they’re neck-and-neck in New Hampshire. They say things like “Our internal polling shows there’s nothing to worry about”, meaning that they have no idea what’s going on.
2 - Negative Rage
Here a campaign goes negative as it slowly comes to the realization that the polls are correct and there’s a problem. This can take many forms, from the exceedingly nasty (re:Willie Horton) to the sublimely incompetent (Obama’s kindergarten essays). Often this leads to massive self-inflicted damage, like when some geeky kid insists that he’s a stud because he’s got a nympho girlfriend in Canada.
3 - Changing Strategies
Some campaigns change managers, some campaigns change direction, and some do both. But it doesn’t change anything, because campaigns never change candidates, and that’s typically what the problem is. If you run a glacial ice queen viewed as riding her husband’s coattails, then bringing the husband in to run things doesn’t particularly change this image.
4 - Pandering
Who wants a tax break? Government funded health care? Required union coverage for employers with more than ten employees? Talking monkeys? A campaign in this stage is willing to promise anything for your vote. The stink of desperation is strongest at this stage, just like when the geek shows a photoshopped picture of Tera Patrick wearing a Maple Leaves cap on standing next to him along with a postcard that he signed left-handed that says “To my footlong hoagie lover-boy.”
5 - Lashing Out
“Those stupid Iowa hicks just don’t appreciate how wonderful I am.”
“Those hard-headed New Hampshire yahoos just don’t appreciate how wonderful I am.”
“Those South Carolina racist rednecks just don’t appreciate how wonderful I am.”
This stage can also take the form of a prolonged howl of anguish, like Inigo Montoya’s Call of Ultimate Suffering.
6 - Wild Allegations
Here paranoia reigns supreme as a candidate alleges all sorts of dirty tricks: plants from the other campaigns, vast right-wing conspiracies, voters being dissatisfied for unrelated reasons, and other terrible innuendos to explain their plummeting numbers. Yeah, sure, and the girlfriend in Canada swallows.
7 - Reduced Expectations
Finally the candidate laughs off their failed attempt at office by restating their primary goal: they only wanted to draw attention to some critical issue, they just wanted to energize voters, or they were just practicing for the “real” election in 2012. Or, it was their plan to lose the first three primaries all along, and then sweep to victory in the coastal states.
Yeah, sure, and this nympho girlfriend in Canada is a supermodel who can’t find a better boyfriend than you.
Hucakbee’s New Campaign Slogan
Not to be outdone by Mike Huckabee’s new campaign slogan, Energy Free by 2017, the other presidential candidates have launched their own new campaign slogans in what is quickly becoming a motto arms race. Here they are:
REPUBLICANS
Rudy Giuliani: More conservative than the other RINOs in the race
Duncan Hunter: Can you believe I'm still here?
John McCain: Get the hell off my lawn, you goddamn kids!
Ron Paul: The truth is out there
Mitt Romney: All objective observers agree: far and away the best candidate
Tom Tancredo: Somewhere an illegal immigrant is planning to seduce your wife and murder you
Fred Thompson: I’m awake!
DEMOCRATS
Joe Biden: Still ‘Biden’ my time
Hillary Clinton: Bill free by 2013
Chris Dodd: Don’t you forget about me
John Edwards: Only his stylist knows for sure
Barack Obama: Not unraveling like a cheap sweater
Bill Richardson: Still the only competent Democratic nominee
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